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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my daughter's birthday party?

34 replies

izzybobsmum · 16/01/2008 12:21

Our house is small and we are struggling for space as we are decorating etc. So, for dd's 2nd birthday, I simply invited both sets of grandparents over for a sandwich, a piece of cake and a cup of tea.

I didn't invite my bil and sil and their two kids as we'd struggle for space and I wanted to spend the day with my dd, rather than spend all day in the kitchen preparing food and hostessing.

My mil and fil now say that if we don't invite bil and sil, they don't want to come.

For reasons stated above, I am inclined to just accept this, and spend a nice day at home, ourselves and my parents, rather than be blackmailed into inviting people I then have to accommodate (both physically and in terms of dd will eat this but not that, ds will eat this but not that etc...)

So.......AIBU?

I'm prepared.....

OP posts:
BroodyBaby · 16/01/2008 12:23

no no no ! its you DDs day do it your way, perhaps arrange to go to a soft play with them after the day x

Hassled · 16/01/2008 12:23

I find it staggering that your PIL are spoiling for a fight over a 2nd birthday do. I should ring the BIL/SIL, apologise, explain about the lack of space and very firmly say you'd love to see them some other time. Stick to your guns!

MightySquonk · 16/01/2008 12:24

YANBU.

Tis your house and if you are not equipped for lots of people visiting at the same time, don't.

If you wanted to find a compromise, you could arrange to meet your bil and sil with their kids at a soft play centre for an hour or so at a weekend.

mairseydotes · 16/01/2008 12:25

You are quite right, don't invite them....families should support each other not make life difficult for each other...
I had a big family party for my DS's 2nd birthday and DS turned to me and said "too many people mummy" and ran from the room!

Saturn74 · 16/01/2008 12:25

Your plans sound very reasonable.
I expect you've explained the space problem to your BIL and SIL?
Maybe they could pop over some other time for the cousins to play and to give your DD her present?
It's not up to your PILs to dictate who is and isn't invited.
If they are prepared to miss their GCs birthday over this, that is really sad.
And you are right not to give in to their emotional blackmail.
Unless they want to stump up for the hire of a hall.

TreadmillMom · 16/01/2008 12:27

What is it with 'people in general' and celebrations these days?
Why the hell are we never allowed to do what we want with our own children, time, money and space without other people inteferring and making you feel mean and horrible.
I get this type of thing every bloody birthday and Xmas.
One of these days I'm gonna shout, 'Which one of you gave birth to this child?'
I would suggest that your in-laws hold the 'dream' birthday celebration at their own home if they're not happy, which I did once over DS1s 2nd b'day and MIL did, it was great and stress free for me.

Tommy · 16/01/2008 12:27

YANBU

My mum is like this - she always wants everyone to be there which is a bit hard work when I have 4 siblings and 10 nephews and nieces.

You have to put your foot down (or get your DH to - it's his family )

candypandy · 16/01/2008 12:27

YANBU at all

Hulababy · 16/01/2008 12:30

YANBU and I would stick to your plans. If your PILs want to punish their grandchild with their unreasonable attitude, then it says way more about them than it does about you.

I'd say something aong the lines that "Sorry but this time we would prefer it to be just grandparents. I know that DD would love to see you on her birthday. But it is up to you what you decide to do."

And leave them to decide.

sweetkitty · 16/01/2008 12:32

DD2 is 2 next week and we are not having a party for her this year.

Usually we have about 10 people here (grandparents) SIL and cousins how are 17 and 14 and my brother.

Every time we have them up all the GPs do is stand outside and smoke, no one offers to even take some food through from the kitchen they just sit there and watch the DDs play, if the DDs need something they will shout DP or I rather than help them out themselves.

I am fed up cleaning the house from top to bottom, buying and preparing all the food, then spending the entire time making countless cups of tea whilst looking after the DDs and doing the food/tidying up etc DP feels the exact same way.

So this year we are going for lunch then soft play just the 4 of us I'm sure the GPs will want to come up but we will have them at different times.

So YANBU you are not saying BIL and SIL cannot come over etc just that you don't have enough room for everyone at once.

Saturn74 · 16/01/2008 12:33

Am loving TreadmillMom's
"One of these days I'm gonna shout, 'Which one of you gave birth to this child?'"

justabouttosplashoutinthesales · 16/01/2008 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baffy · 16/01/2008 12:38

YANBU

PIL have 2 choices - come and spend the day with dd as planned, just grandparents.

Or host a party at their home and invite whoever they want.

Don't back down. Your reasons are clear and sensible. If you back down this time you'll be backing down forever!

If they don't come then that is nobody's problem but their own!

Elasticwoman · 16/01/2008 12:41

Agree with Just. How very rude and manipulative to try to dictate the guest list. If they don't come because you have not invited guests of their choice, that makes them look v childish. You should not have to explain why you are inviting or not inviting any one and I would be inclined to take them at their word and just have your own parents.

hanaflower · 16/01/2008 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

susiecutiemincepies · 16/01/2008 12:45

YANBU!!!

They are being bloody outrageous!!!

Its YOUR daughter, its YOUR house, since when did anyone else, ever get to decide who envited who, and when to their home? Let alone to a 'party'

I'd just say to them, Ok fine. It will be your loss and your GD's loss. Hope you will be happy with that.

Its irrelevant as to the reasons why IMO. Its your decision to make. you do not need to justify it, to anyone!

Have a nice quiet little day for her, quality time... sod them!

clareyooo · 16/01/2008 12:51

I agree with SUsiecm. It is your house, your child. You get to do the nasty and boring bits of being a parent (poo, tantrums, discipline illness etc) so you should get to do the nice bits your way . Or not at all. (But be prepared as with most families this may not be the last of it). Also remember that as your DD gets bigger she will choose her own party guest and this is far more likely to be classmates than cousins.

Flum · 16/01/2008 12:57

How rude of them. You invite who you please to your house and they can choose to come or not to come.

I wouldn't be held over a barrel like that.

If you wanted to be nice about it you could say to the PIL - 'If you really want your BIL and SIL there too then why don't you take us all out somewhere nice instead because there really isn't room at our house'

Then they get to pay tooo harumph

wannaBe · 16/01/2008 13:03

your child, your house, your party, your decision. it makes me so when grandparents seem to think they have a say in how it should be done. My mother annoyed me last year when she informed me an hour before ds' birthday party that she and ds' cousin would be late due to her having to pick him up from school. And then when she arrived half an hour late, she had a go at me for starting the games without dn - wtf did she expect me to do? let 10 children run riot in my house while I waited for one to arrive?

Lauriefairycake · 16/01/2008 13:04

YANBU

I wish more people did this on mumsnet.

"Ok, don't come then, hope we see you soon"

Your house, house decisions.

They are idiots/foolish.

HonoriaGlossop · 16/01/2008 13:11

agree with everyone! YANBU.

And it sounds like you'd actually be doing a useful thing if you did say no to this- drawing a boundary so they will know in the future that they can't attempt to dictate the guest list.

gr1973 · 16/01/2008 13:16

I actually agree with all the posts on here and would be tempted to say, fine dont come then, however...

It could cause longer term friction in the family that could just be stressful for you and could leave your DH caught between a rock and a hard place.

I dont think you should be blackmailed into inviting people, but you could say that you would have loved to invite bil/sil & kids but really dont have the room and ask if they would mind hosting party so everyone could share in this special day?

Your pil's are being completely unreasonable though - not you!

bubblagirl · 16/01/2008 13:20

explain due to space and decorating this is impossible unless they will have party at there house

my mum put us up for my ds b day as we were in same situation

but if they want to take that attitude arrange the following day or day before dd b day for bil to come round and if mil and fil still dont want to come then its not very understanding of them as it is dd day that counts

exbatt · 16/01/2008 15:34

No, they are unreasonable. Don't get angry though, take a deep breath, smile sweetly (even if you're on the phone!) and say very nicely 'that's a shame, we would have loved you to come. Hopefully we'll see you sometime soon'

Their loss. Hopefully they'll see it that way and still come graciously and enjoy their grandchild's birthday cake!

mumeeee · 16/01/2008 16:12

YANBU. It's up to you who you invite to your DD's Birthday celebration.