AIBU to be upset by the way DH speaks to me?

[Dreamingoftraveling]

I’m going to try and be as open and honest here as I can.

Background is that DH and I both work and I am also a student, doing about 20 hours of studying a week. I struggle to find time to take care of the housework because working, studying and taking care of the kids takes up every waking minute. DH defo pulls his weight. He’s great with cleaning, cooking etc. When it comes to organising the kids belongings and toys etc, that comes down to me.

Anyway, I’m off work today and things have got a bit disorganised around the house. This morning, DH said, can you make sure you tidy the house today. I said “I’ll do as much as I can”. This upset him and he said “why can you never just say yes?”. I explained that I’ll tidy as much as I can whilst taking care of the kids and also working on my uni assignment. He got more upset and asked me why i can’t just tidy the house and then do my uni work. I said “listen, I’ve told you I’ll get as much done as I can, can we just leave it at that. I’m not a child!” He got mad, saying that whenever I say that, I never end up getting anything done. This is not true! Don’t get me wrong, some days are more productive than others. The kids are 8 and 5 and so I still spend a large chunk of time dealing with them. He ended the conversation by saying “forget it!!” and walking off.

DH has just got home from work. I’ve been clearing out various rooms in the house and been on my feet for hours. He started telling me a story about something that happened today. I suggested we sit in the lounge because my legs were throbbing a bit. He then said he was doing the dishes. I said, okay I’ll sit up here, and was going to sit on the kitchen counter. He said, “can you not?” I said, okay I’ll sit here, and went to sit on the floor. He shouted at me. Something to do with me never listening to him or about me always having some sort of problem. And then said “forget I was even talking to you!!”. I’ve walked off upstairs. This one happened in front of our two girls.

I just don’t think there’s any excuse for him shouting at me. I know I’m not perfect, and probably annoy him from time to time, but I’m not prepared to be spoken to like this. History tells me that he’ll probably apologise tonight or tomorrow and then I’ll forgive him and then it’ll happen again in a week or two.

I’m fully aware of how petty this all sounds. But what do I do? Is there any way I can handle this so it doesn’t just happen again.

We have been married for over a decade. He would never have shouted at me years ago.

Any help is much appreciated.

Get the kids to tidy their own toys? They’re also old enough to put their clothes and stuff away.

Sounds like you’re both exhausted.

How many hours do you work, and how many hours does he work?

Does he do equal amounts of looking after the DC?

It sounds like there’s a couple of things going on.

1. he has a high tidiness standard and things being disorganised bother him more than they bother you. (He’s feeling you don’t respect this is an area he finds important.)

2. he feels you don’t listen to/prioritise him because you’re always studying/sorting kids etc (this is likely linked to above feeling you don’t respect his feelings).

I’m not saying he’s right - it doesn’t sound like you feel you have equal leisure time so you are feeling under a lot of pressure and his expectations might not be reasonable. But you need to communicate about the underlying stuff.

The kids do tidy up after themselves but they also accumulate stuff on a daily basis. Junk models, drawings, sticks from their walk in the woods, Lego models that I won’t instantly break up and return to the box etc. Not all of these things have a home and so some times we need a clear out. And it’s one of those occasions where I haven’t been as on top of that side of things for a little while because I’ve been working overtime and it’s been full on.

As predicted, DH has come to apologise. Apparently he was in pain (he does have a medical issue at the moment) and that’s why he lashed out. I said that he had upset me this morning though too. His response was this “I’m going to say something that you’re not going to like. If I don’t tell you to do it, then there’s a good chance nothing will get done.” This has really upset me. I told him before me starting my degree that we’d need a cleaner. He said no, he said that he would be happy to do the bulk of that. I have continued to push for us getting a cleaner because I feel like he uses this against me. It’s really tough trying to work, study and do the lions share of the parenting. I just don’t have any spare time. I don’t watch TV, I don’t read, I’m literally working, parenting or studying.

I told him that I’m upset he said that. He said we should just drop it then. I just know he doesn’t see anything wrong in what he’s said. It just makes me feel useless! 😞

“I’m going to say something that you’re not going to like. If I don’t tell you to do it, then there’s a good chance nothing will get done.”

I'd never bloody do it again after that nugget.

*His response was this "i'm going to say something that you're not going to like;If I don't tell you to do it; then there's a good chance nothing will get done"
*
My DH would be told to duck off if he said this to me;it's really disrespectful.He's not your father or your keeper.

I'm assuming he doesn't do an additional 20 hours of university a week either.He knew you'd be pushed for time once you started your degree;does he resent you doing something to further your career here/personal development?

Does he have a degree?

Can you afford a cleaner?;if the answer is yes then organise one;you don't need his permission.

He's clearly a rude, stroppy, superior, condescending twat. I think you need to be a bit more forceful in telling him that you will not tolerate being spoken to like an inferior or a child. And that he may have his own idea of how much can be done around the house while looking after children and doing university work, but that doesn't mean his reckoning is the correct one.

Like a pp, I'd also be interested to know if he has a degree and whether there's maybe a bit of resentment that you're doing one.

What are you studying? Did you discuss in advance that this would mean extra family/household tasks for him?

Personally I think he sounds like an absolute arsehole who is treating you like an employee that he has to manage. I have very little tolerance for arsehole men though.

Why would you even go to sit on the FLOOR because some dipstick man is ordering you about? I mean, seriously?

I clearly read this totally differently because I would find your attitude highly irritating! Sitting on the floor like a child in a strop because he asked you not to sit on the counter is a bit petty.

Sorry but this bit tickled me Something to do with me never listening to him or about me always having some sort of problem so you're really clear on the specifics of that conversation

cant remember if you work full time, but if so you're pulling a 55-60 hour week. He's not spending 20 hours a week cleaning so I don't think you should do any of it if you handle the kids.

He doesn’t have a degree but has been very supportive of me doing one. He’s encouraged me to do it. I just don’t think he likes how I’m now not as on top of things as I once was.

He works overseas for long spells and so it’s not as though I’m being unreasonable needing him to take on more sometimes to support my career goals.

His standards in the house are so high. He doesn’t like any clutter anywhere at all. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like clutter either but there’s a degree of clutter which is just a house being lived in. For instance, I have one drawer that’s full of random things. School name labels, envelopes, paperwork. Yes, it’s a bit of a chaotic drawer, but he can’t stand it and is constantly on at me to clear it out.

i just feel like I’m held to his ridiculous standards and it’s draining me. I don’t have the time for it, to be honest!

@Horriblewoman i wasn’t in a strop at all. I was more than happy to sit anywhere, I just needed to sit as I have circulation issues and standing for prolonged periods is painful for me. Then he just lost it with me.

@TibetanTerrah 😂😂

I’ll be honest, I switched off to what he was saying the minute he started raising his voice at me.

do the lions share of the parenting

Why is this on you and not 50-50?

Why can’t he organise the kids stuff, sort the drawer out and throw away sticks/put Lego models away?

He's a cock. And his high standards are his problem. I'd be completely ignoring anything he "told" me to do for a good while and see how he gets on.

I'd be livid if dh tried to micromanage me in the way yous did today. Especially given how hypocritical it is as he seems to fail spectacularly in the role of parent.

Pettier than ordering her not to sit on the counter with a “Can you not” then shouting and stropping away upstairs? And in front of the kids? Why does he get to be the boss of whether OP sits on the counter?

You need to tell him something he might not want to hear, he offered to pick up the slack when you started your degree, if he isn't up to it you need to hire a cleaner. The onus needs to be firmly put back on him.

@NoSquirrels

So anything to do with the kids activities, play dates, birthday parties, friends parties, gift buying, Christmas card writing, teacher gift buying etc etc, is my responsibility. I don’t mind that. It’s not his strong point and I’m okay with that. I also do all of our general admin. Sorting bills, payments, gas and electric providers, negotiating contracts and so on. Again I’m totally fine with this being my job.

When it comes to tidying the kids things, he’d just bin everything. He wouldn’t keep a single piece of art work, the lovely poetry my eldest does etc. It would all end up in the bin. For this reason, I’m happy to sort through and decide what’s kept and what’s binned. I could leave that to the kids but they’d obviously keep absolutely everything! 😅

The trouble is that his standards are just so high. He can’t handle anything not having a home. And I mean, any pile of anything anywhere causes him to be stressed and I feel that it’s unreasonable. I’m not perfect, I’m not always on top of it very single thing, but I’m doing my best.

Hang on, so the junk drawer is junk IN the drawer with the drawer closed, ie the junk hidden and tidied away – and he can’t even cope with knowing it’s there? He’s being ridiculous. If he wants things done to a zen minimalism standard, he can do them.

I don’t know about the tidying stuff - I think we all have our different standards and have to try to manage our expectations and have a certain amount of tolerance.

But I don’t understand why it is a problem for you to sit on the counter in your own kitchen?! I live with just my kids and sit on the kitchen counter all the time. When I lived with partners I have also done that, it’s how I like to sit. Why did you have to ask him permission to do that? It sounds like there is some kind of power imbalance here with his ‘rules’ about housework and expecting you to say “yes sir”. Unless you are much untidier than you’re admitting here, I think he is being controlling, bossy, and rude.

Actually - following my last response - I think he’s controlling even if you are messy, based on the fact that he tells you where you can and can’t sit! WTF.

The trouble is that his standards are just so high. He can’t handle anything not having a home. And I mean, any pile of anything anywhere causes him to be stressed and I feel that it’s unreasonable. I’m not perfect, I’m not always on top of it very single thing, but I’m doing my best.

Have you seen the YouTuber Clutterbug? She says there are different styles of organising/clutter overwhelm and has advice on how people can adapt different styles together. Basically it sounds like your DH is a ‘cricket’ in her system - wants everything perfectly organised in categories and hidden away. No visual clutter, because that stresses him out. And you’re not! (And most family homes can’t be like that either.)

Her advice is basically use lots of boxes to store the piles! Visually not stressful, contained, you can have a large nice-to-look-at basket for kids artwork until you come to sort it, or a tray to put the paperwork in so it’s not in a pile etc.

It's fine if he has high standards but... get a cleaner? Oh he said no to that. He has worked overseas in the past leaving all the parenting/housework to you, but now that you need some support so you can get your degree, he is nitpicking your housecleaning and treating you like an employee who won't do their job. So the support for career only goes one way actually. From where I sit, it sounds like he's trying to sabotage your degree without being too obvious about it (possibly he is not aware he's trying to do so). But even if he's not trying to sabotage your degree, tbf his behavior sounds controlling. Either agree to get a cleaner or stop nitpicking your work. He doesn't get to speak for your every minute of time by demanding you keep every drawer clean at the expense of your degree or your health.

Those things you listed aren’t “parenting” though - they’re kid admin related, sure, but not parenting. Does he do his share of active parenting?