AIBU to be upset by the way DH speaks to me?

[Dreamingoftraveling]

I’m going to try and be as open and honest here as I can.

Background is that DH and I both work and I am also a student, doing about 20 hours of studying a week. I struggle to find time to take care of the housework because working, studying and taking care of the kids takes up every waking minute. DH defo pulls his weight. He’s great with cleaning, cooking etc. When it comes to organising the kids belongings and toys etc, that comes down to me.

Anyway, I’m off work today and things have got a bit disorganised around the house. This morning, DH said, can you make sure you tidy the house today. I said “I’ll do as much as I can”. This upset him and he said “why can you never just say yes?”. I explained that I’ll tidy as much as I can whilst taking care of the kids and also working on my uni assignment. He got more upset and asked me why i can’t just tidy the house and then do my uni work. I said “listen, I’ve told you I’ll get as much done as I can, can we just leave it at that. I’m not a child!” He got mad, saying that whenever I say that, I never end up getting anything done. This is not true! Don’t get me wrong, some days are more productive than others. The kids are 8 and 5 and so I still spend a large chunk of time dealing with them. He ended the conversation by saying “forget it!!” and walking off.

DH has just got home from work. I’ve been clearing out various rooms in the house and been on my feet for hours. He started telling me a story about something that happened today. I suggested we sit in the lounge because my legs were throbbing a bit. He then said he was doing the dishes. I said, okay I’ll sit up here, and was going to sit on the kitchen counter. He said, “can you not?” I said, okay I’ll sit here, and went to sit on the floor. He shouted at me. Something to do with me never listening to him or about me always having some sort of problem. And then said “forget I was even talking to you!!”. I’ve walked off upstairs. This one happened in front of our two girls.

I just don’t think there’s any excuse for him shouting at me. I know I’m not perfect, and probably annoy him from time to time, but I’m not prepared to be spoken to like this. History tells me that he’ll probably apologise tonight or tomorrow and then I’ll forgive him and then it’ll happen again in a week or two.

I’m fully aware of how petty this all sounds. But what do I do? Is there any way I can handle this so it doesn’t just happen again.

We have been married for over a decade. He would never have shouted at me years ago.

Any help is much appreciated.

Same here. I found it really annoying just reading it. Behaving like an annoying child.

And I mean, any pile of anything anywhere causes him to be stressed and I feel that it’s unreasonable.

I'm like him. He doesn't have a choice in how he feels. It may indeed be impossible for you to solve this, or unreasonable for you to solve it. In which case he's just going to be miserable for however many years your marriage lasts.

I've recently separated. I try not to think about the fact that I've wasted 25 years of my adult life on a relationship that made me as miserable as it did. (There were various factors that made it difficult for me to leave.)

Your marriage is in very serious trouble.

This morning, DH said, can you make sure you tidy the house today. I said “I’ll do as much as I can”. This upset him and he said “why can you never just say yes?”.

I really identify with him here. I had this conversation so many times in my marriage. Me: I am in pain, you are the cause of my pain, please will you fix it. Her: something other than "yes", which always translates to "no, and I give so few fucks about you I'm not even going to be honest about it, because then you would know where you stand, and that would be worse for me."

Having said that, the difference might be that I did think I had a legitimate entitlement to have the problem solved, perhaps in your case you don't think he does. So the situations may not be comparable.

A cleaner won’t tidy. You’ll have to tidy up before rye come. And I’m not sure why you decided today was the day to clear out rooms when basic decluttering needed doing. I’d have found the initial exchange you had very frustrating on his part, just say yes then do what you can surely? Why make such a big deal of repeating you might not get much done, it sounds like you were suggesting it was completely unreasonable to do much house stuff at all and were laying the groundwork for that.

Have your DC been at school today? If so you had the bulk of the day to both study and do housework.

But he shouldn’t be shouting at you, especially not in front of the DC. You both need a calm grown up conversation about splitting the load and agree to try and communicate better.

I think the problem is that your husband is obviously feeling resentful because he feels you’re not pulling your weight with the cleaning and are just continually making excuses and could do more. I can’t say whether that’s true or whether he’s being unfair and has unrealistic expectations, only you know whether he has a point or not.

So you're saying she should have stayed standing up? Because he wanted her to? Even though her feet were hurting?

You’ve ended up with the most “shit work” bit of the house work, though. The tidying up of the clutter and the kids bits and bobs. That’s a never ending task and not at all rewarding, as it’s undone again the minute it’s done. I’d try to reassign things.

“I’m going to say something that you’re not going to like. If I don’t tell you to do it, then there’s a good chance nothing will get done.”

This is the bit that would piss me off the most . As if he’s your supervisor and has to make sure you do things. Things will get done if you deem them to be a priority, not if he decides to give you them as tasks. So condescending.

I wouldn’t really like anyone to sit on the kitchen surfaces myself but he definitely shouldn’t have stropped about you sitting on the floor!

Can't believe there are people on here going on about OP wanting to sit down be. cause she had been on her feet all day and was in pain because of a health condition! Un-fucking believable.

I do think that OP's standards and her husband's are just incompatible. And her husband's standards are basically showhome at all times, so incompatible with real life. That needs addressing.

Get a cleaner if it irks him so much

I am old, I have had 2 husbands, first one I divorced, 2nd one died. The first one had high standards of tidiness, and was always moaning even though I worked full time once the children were at school, he didn't do much in the house, he would point out dust on the picture rails, but I told him, if he could see it then he should dust it. My second husband was very untidy, but did his fair share of the housework generally, if any mess was bothering me I would just tidy it myself. The second marriage was much happier and more relaxed.

I’d be on constant tenterhooks living with someone like him. Demanding, rude and blinkered in equal measure.

Make a list of your workload. Then tell him to get bent.

Yeah, me too, I have to say.

Why was he telling her where to sit in the first place?

On the contrary, I see sorting on the floor in this conflict situation as a signed of feeling threatened or an attempt to appear submissive, either if which could have applied in this case.

OP, it does as though you DH has rather stringent views of how the house should be and how you should behave. In my DM’s marriage to my stepfather, there was a lot of “I want my dinner
on the table the moment i
walk in from work” (although DM also had a full-time management jobs in the NHS) or “Why
can’t I find my (whatever tool for DIY?)” (although he was the one who had it last and the only person who used it) which was one of the reasons the marriage was unsatisfactory and eventually ended.

Sitting in the floor!

Oops and sign of!

You have a man who uses the phrases "You always" and "You never", and storms off when things don't go his way.

Thus is a toxic pattern of speech and behaviour.

He thinks he is the commanding officer in your home. He thinks your response to an order from your superior officer should be "Yes, Sir!"

Your marriage is on the rocks.

Tell him that.

Ask him if he wants to work on it together with a counselor.

But before you do that, read a book by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and try to figure out what's going on.

It's up to him to find ways to manage his own stress over piles of stuff or whatever else sets him off.

Telling you to deal with the piles is not how an emotuonally healthy adult manages stress.

Ordering someone else around is a dysfunctional coping mechanism.

I bet he doesn't deal with his colleagues like this.

I might have read this wrong, but you tidy and he cleans? I can tell you right now that its impossible to clean properly in an untidy house. No point getting a cleaner as they clean, not tidy, so I can see why your husband said no to that idea. Im not tidy person at all but my husband is on another level of untidyness and it makes me scream. Put simply, he can't do his job until you have done yours. Dont have time for yours? Let him deal. If he bins it, so what, you will survive. Just tidy away the meaningful stuff and let him bin the rest so he can clean.

If you want to keep doing the tidying the try to have homes for everything but also have a display area for the lego etc. When a new piece is ready then break up one of the others. Pictures go on the fridge. Each child has one small plastic tub with lid to store the special keepsakes and store that on top of the wardrobe. Once a year go through and let go of some. Oh....and those twigs from walks start staying in the woods. Wildlife need them more than you, bonus point it makes your house tidier without you tidying ifswim.

Having everything tidy would make him happy, you are happy with the way things are, or at least happy to compromise to get your studying done. It is not your job to make him happy, therefore he needs to deal with the stuff that he doesn't like.
This was pointed out to me by my very very untidy, late husband. I could find no fault in his logic.