How to handle this with my step son..::

[frezs]

Hello all,

But if background, my step son is turning 9 next week. I've been in his life since he was 20 months old. I have a lovely close bond with him and treat him as my own. I have 2 dcs from my ex and me and Dh have a child together. Our kids are all so close, they love eachother. We've always classed ourselves very lucky as far as blended families go.

Just to add - I was not part of Dh and his ex separation, they were seperated for a year before we got together and it was a good 10 months of a relationship before I met his child.

Anyway, the relationship with his mother has always been strained. Dh can never do right. It's either we're doing too much with DS or not enough. She starts an argument over the smallest things (not bringing him jok in the correct t shirt for example) and then it escalates to he is a bad father etc etc....

A couple of weeks ago, DH received a text from dss saying that he didn't want to do anything for the rest of us for his birthday, he just wanted time with his dad. Dh replied and said that was absolutely fine. This was actually around Father's Day - dss should of been with us on Father's Day but his Mum decided to book a holiday and take him away for a week on dhs time instead. It's not the first time she's done this, he's got another weekend away coming up on dhs weekend and she just books it without asking if it's ok or if we have plans.

Anyway fast forward to last weekend, dss was with me and asked me if we could plan his birthday so he knew what we were doing. I asked dss what he wanted to do and he replied with 'I don't mind, I just want all of us there'. Dh also asked him and he was adamant he wanted his whole family with him for his birthday.

We have then planned a lovely weekend away with all of us for his birthday which he was very excited about.

He's gone home and told his mum this. She's gone ballistic and sent Dh a message to ask why we are not doing what dss asked for which is just time with his dad. Dh replied and said this is not what dss asked for when we spoke to him. She admitted in a string of texts that she asks dss lots of questions when he gets home from us - basically I'm guessing to check what's happened. Looking for clues that I'm the 'evil step mum' etc. anything she can get to use against us.

As far as we can see, there's 2 things going on here. Either his mother is putting ideas into dss head or dss is going home to his mum and saying things that aren't true.

Has anyone experienced this? Any advice on how Dh should go about this? It's gone on long enough now, we are just portrayed as this 'bad' family by the ex and we are far from it. She refers to me and my dc constantly as 'a bunch of people' and cannot see that we are a family so my guess is it's her putting ideas into dss head?

Dh wants to have a private chat with dss this week before his birthday celebrations start but he's worried about saying the wrong thing. He doesn't want to put any pressure on dss

Forgot to add - Also should he even say anything in the first place? If he's getting bombarded with questions from his mum, the last thing Dh wants to do is do the same the minute he gets to us.

Should he hang fire until next weekend? After his birthday?

Not say anything at all?

Dh just needs to know what's going on as this is really affecting dss now and also himself as a father

I'd say the poor boy is just telling his mother what he knows she wants to hear.
To keep her happy. It's so sad when children feel the need to do that.

I wouldn't ask him any questions. He gets enough of that from her.

Leave him to it and just keep treating him as you do.
Kids dont need to be questioned all the time or even know problems are going on between adults.

Dh just needs to know what's going on as this is really affecting dss now and also himself as a father

He needs to talk to his ex. It's not right to try to gauge what's going on from a child. Adults only.

This reminds me of my childhood.

i had to people please ALL the time. Telling my mum what she wanted to hear otherwise she would twist things or slag off my Dad. It was horrible.

I’ve needed therapy for low self esteem and people pleasing. And it stems directly from appeasing both parents (all I ever wanted was to be with my dad as he wasn’t toxic at all)

I love my step mum so much but my mum used to slag her off so much, and if I didn’t agree then my mum was nasty / guilt tripping to me & punished me.

I am 36 now & still suffering. My mum STILL does it.

OP - tell your DSS that your home is a safe space and that he can talk to you both without judgment. Tell him he’s loved and amazing. Teach him resilience. And never ever start an argument with his mum. Make sure he over hears you praising him (so he believes it and believes in himself)

Thank you, we do constantly. We dread Sunday evenings and what kind of messages Dh is going to get. I do agree with adults only though. It's just such a hard thing to deal with, my step son is getting dragged from pillar to post. He's never been a happy kid but right now it's just all so messy. Thank you - appreciate your comment

I don't have experience in this type of situation but from your posts it seem you're handling this very well. Your DH could just make it clear to DS that he can always tell him anything and he will never be cross ot judge what he is feeling in a negative way (in an age appropriate way). If you're all sure the weekend away is what DSs wants go ahead with it and maybe soon your DH and DSS can plan an activity for just them.

It sounds like you have a lovely blended family and ex is jealous that she is not providing the same. She is putting him in the middle and it's unfair. If i were you i would continue to rise above it. He'll remember and realise this in the future.

Thank you! Amazing advice which I will pass on. We do this anyway but we can definitely reinforce it. Dh suggested therapy for him but was just met back with 'how dare you suggest that, I know my son'....or something along those lines.

It's absolutely toxic for him. We are really spoiling him for his birthday this year - no doubt he will be over spoilt by the ex - and we're really going to try give him the best birthday.

We've said exactly the same about people pleasing. My mum also completely agrees he is just saying what his mum wants to hear.

If my dc are ever not here on a weekend, dss is gutted. They are so close. It just doesn't add up to us

It sounds as though his mother didn't want to split up with your husband. Is that right? She seems very bitter about it.

Maybe explain outright he can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants in your home. His dm isn't the boss of your house or of him. Keep making family plans. He really does need to know your home is his too.

Just to add to this, please make it very clear that if/when DSS wants to spend time just with Dad or you 1-2-1 that you are all really ok with this.
That you wouldn't be hurt, upset or angry at all and that is is ok to speak up about that.

I agree with @Woollenfox My mother literally said on her death bed that she was probably dying because my stepmother cursed her.
This was over 30 yrs after her divorce from my father - which she herself instigated whilst having an affair so my stepmother didn't even break up her marriage!
My stepmother isn't perfect but she never, ever slagged off my mother to me, whereas my mother frequently bombarded me with disgusting comments about her (and my father). I was too frightened to do anything but agree with her.
You sound great. That poor kid will be saying absolutely anything he thinks his mother wants to hear.

Poor stepson in the middle of it, trying to keep everyone happy I expect. I don’t think I would say anything to him tbh, it will just exacerbate the problem. Especially if mum is questioning him when he returns home.

I can completely understand how it must be getting you and DH down though. My mum was very toxic like this, it’s hell, we have been NC for many years.

He does and I think this is the problem. She expects us to treat him like a guest. Our home is 100% his home too. He is always so welcomed and loved however if we're just having a quiet weekend then that's not good enough to her. If we haven't taken him anywhere nice it's not good. If he's had a couple of hours on the Xbox with his step sister, that's not good enough.

He is such a good boy. He plays with my daughter and my son all weekend. They laugh so much! We are so lucky so I just struggle to understand what the issue is. If my dc have been at their dads and he hasn't seen them, that's when he goes home a bit sad purely because he's missed his family time.

Adding to that - the ex demanded that we swap weekends claiming it was due to her work. That maybe be the case and we did accommodate but that means that he doesn't see his step siblings as much.

@frezs you can do some mindfulness at home without him or his mum knowing. Colouring and drawing as a family is a really good way to bond and chill. So you all get your own colouring book, and nice pencils. Sit around a table and just chat and colour together in your individual books.

OR if he hates colouring - then build a huge marble run together.

another thing you can do is draw around his hand and write something he’s proud at / good at in each finger. Do it regularly as it may change as he grows!

Include photos of him all around the house. Make sure it’s an even split between other children.

Always have his favourite ice cream / biscuits / or whatever he loves in the cupboard just for weekends.

Even though he’s getting older - still snuggle and read him stories.

I think “togetherness” and “calm” is the route to take.

My problems started when I was 3. It peaked during my primary school years. And during my secondary school years I found my voice and started telling my mum that she was wrong / jealous / awful. Our relationship is strained (all I ever wanted was to live with my Dad but she wouldn’t allow it. She also chose awkward far away schools so it was difficult for my Dad to help with school run!)

you sound like a lovely Step Mum - like mine. Always protective and loving. Your self awareness will get you through this time and you’ll have the most amazing bond with him even when he’s an adult.

When we first got together, she did send him texts saying how unfair it was that Dh was happy and she wasn't.

This has been going on for 7 years so it's sad it's still like this years later

I'm crap at maths and I'm trying to work out the dates… Did your DH and his ex split up while she was pregnant? You met DSS when he was 20 months, you had met DH 10 months earlier, and he had been separated from ex for 12 months… if so, then it's not just you she's angry with. That poor kid.

I'd also stop engaging with "D"M - she emails your husband saying how dare he do X Y or Z... Ignore. So what? It's not going to change what you do with your DSS and your DH is just feeding the troll by even discussing it with her. His time, his choice of activities. I agree with not questioning DSS. Poor boy must long for respite and he needs that at your home seeing he isn't getting it at his mother's.

We have the same thing with DSS where he reinforces what his mum wants to hear because he gets positive attention from it.
He can also now be a bit manipulative with this and started playing mum off against dad around age 12, so watch out.

Honestly it sounds like you're doing the right thing. Just keep ensuring you don't add fuel. If she messages to complain just have a standard response. Just something like 'ok no problem' and keep doing whatever you're doing.

Oh gosh she sounds just like my mum. My mum and dad have been divorced for 33 years and she is still bitter and jealous.

Yes Dh and dss actually have an activity planned on Saturday morning before we head off for our weekend away. This is the thing, we understand how important it is this that Dh and dss get time together. Last weekend, they went out together for lunch and to pick his birthday presents.

It's never a case of they don't have individual time together - they do. Sometimes if they plan something, dss will just ask if his siblings can come too.

So the ex has since had another child very quickly into a relationship. With a man that already had 6 children. They were engaged and living together straight away and within months she was pregnant. They have now split up. I did feel that she was quite desperate to give dss the same family set up as we have but unfortunately it's not worked out for her.

Dh is still very good friends with her dad and even her dad says he worries about his daughter and how he is pleased dss has some stability with us. I suppose that speaks volumes.

I just never know if we are the ones in the wrong. If we don't do enough.

I haven't worked for a few years and I always help the ex out with childcare and everything I can. I will have dss on my own for days on end when she asks for extra help.

I think I just have to accept that this is how it is.

But most importantly, we just continue to love and support dss as best we can

It could be my maths 😂

Dss born in 2013
Dh and ex broke up end of 2013 (won't say the dates), dss was a couple of months old
I met Dh in 2014 and met dss in feb/March 2015.

I think 🤪😂

But yes, I had nothing to do with the split. She actually kicked him out of a home that they had just started to rent and he had his own place by the time I met him.

Yeah I can just imagine. I know it's a long road to go get!

Thank you, it's helpful to know which way it could turn, to prepare in advance.

It's ok to say to DSS that he can answer "I don't know what's planned it's a surprise" when his mum starts quizzing him. She really won't let go will she, that's very controlling. Absolutely DSS will learn to start playing parents off against each other as he's learning there are sides to take when you are with at least one of his parents.

How you spend DSS's contact time with DH is entirely up to his Dad and NOHerB. DSS has chosen to spend it with all of you and that's a normal thing to do as your DCs are his siblings (step, half or otherwise..)

I say this as a DM myself whose DCs have a step mum and Dad, and half siblings, their Dad who barely sees them through his choice, (not mine, over the years I'd have loved some more time off!).

I wouldn't dream of interfering in their time together. What happens in my ex's house or wherever he takes them is NOMB (with the usual caveats of 'no abuse', but that's a given)

I am in the same boat!

My ex rarely sees our dc and play happy families with his current partner and her 4dc. However it's nothing to do with me, I keep out of it. When they come home I will always ask if they had a nice weekend but that's it. If they want to tell me anything then that's also fine but it's usually that something good/funny has happened.

My kids like their dads partner and her kids when they do visit and that's enough for me. However they don't see her as a step mum and they don't see her kids as their brothers/sisters purely because they don't visit enough which is also fine.