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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let your partner drink if you’re drinking

33 replies

xxcatcatcatxx · 30/06/2022 07:38

We have a DS who is coming up to 4 months and I’ve been wanted a couple of glasses of Jammy Red Roo ever since I got pregnant a year ago. I’m such a lightweight though.

DP usually has a few beers after work, he’s never wasted but I wouldn’t say sober either. I can join him for one beer or a couple of G&Ts and be fine but wine is a different ball game. So I asked him last night if he could be the one who doesn’t drink so I can have a couple of glasses.

We’ve been disputing ever since if this is fair or not. I made him get 0.0% beers, poor guy, which on reflection I’m sure he could have had one large bottle but I just didn’t want us both to be under the influence.

AIBU? Just if something happened to baby, even if he was asleep. Hopefully it doesn’t sound like we’re complete alcoholics 😂 xxx

OP posts:
MrszClaus · 30/06/2022 07:40

I'd be more concerned that he's having a few beers after work (five days a week??) to the point he's not sober but not wasted.

IMO it shouldn't even be an issue for you to ask that, he should have agreed without a second thought. It makes me think he has an alcohol problem if asking him not to drink after work one night is considered "unfair"

GreatCrash · 30/06/2022 07:44

You're not being unreasonable. It does sound like he's drinking too much.

On the other hand I don't think it's necessary for one of you to always stay sober if you're just staying at home for the evening.

SavoirFlair · 30/06/2022 07:46

Had to Google Jammy Red Roo !

Original poster
xxcatcatcatxx · 30/06/2022 07:47

Omg I know, we do have this “discussion” a lot 😑 I don’t know why he can’t just have a cup of tea or something xxx

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/06/2022 07:49

GreatCrash · 30/06/2022 07:44

You're not being unreasonable. It does sound like he's drinking too much.

On the other hand I don't think it's necessary for one of you to always stay sober if you're just staying at home for the evening.

Her baby is only three months old! Of course one of them needs to stay sober.

Themidnightcat · 30/06/2022 07:49

GreatCrash · 30/06/2022 07:44

You're not being unreasonable. It does sound like he's drinking too much.

On the other hand I don't think it's necessary for one of you to always stay sober if you're just staying at home for the evening.

They have a small baby at home so one of them needs to stay sober

motogirl · 30/06/2022 07:50

Until the kids were secondary school age, one of us was always sober, perhaps not to drive but to be responsible in an emergency. Only once they were teens did we ever both let ourselves very occasionally both drink a little too much

UmbilicusProfundus · 30/06/2022 07:54

I am very capable of looking after children after a few drinks. People are affected by alcohol in different ways, some function normally, others less so. But clearly he is drinking too much and it’s concerning that he can’t have one night off

Momicrone · 30/06/2022 07:56

You can have a couple glasses of wine and still look after a sleeping baby

Quartz2208 · 30/06/2022 07:56

I think you are downplaying the fact that he cannot miss a "few" beers after work that he has to the point where he isnt sober - what most evenings?

It does sound like he has an alcohol issue - you seem sympathetic and call him poor guy because one evening he is drinking 0%

And he has a 4 month old

PurpleDaisies · 30/06/2022 07:57

If you’re not staying totally sober when he’s drinking, I can see he thinks it’s not fair that he has to when you are.

The issue of whether he’s drinking too much in general is a different thing. How many beers is he getting through in a typical week?

Hont1986 · 30/06/2022 07:58

Hopefully it doesn’t sound like we’re complete alcoholics

Well, it doesn't sound like you're an alcoholic...

LittleBearPad · 30/06/2022 07:59

Momicrone · 30/06/2022 07:56

You can have a couple glasses of wine and still look after a sleeping baby

You can have a couple of glasses of wine and look after an awake baby too

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/06/2022 07:59

There seems to be so much angst over parenting these days. We had a couple of glasses of wine a few times a week when ours were tiny. It doesn’t mean shit faced and unable to function.

PurpleDaisies · 30/06/2022 07:59

I think you are downplaying the fact that he cannot miss a "few" beers after work that he has to the point where he isnt sober - what most evenings?

I might not be that he can’t. He might think the op is unreasonable to ask him not to when she has a g ant t or a beer when he’s drinking.

He might have a problem with not being able to stop drinking but I don’t think that nailed on from what the op has said.

BuanoKubiamVej · 30/06/2022 08:00

While your baby is under a year old yanbu that one of you needs to be sober and capable at all times. I don't think this holds permanently throughout the time when you have kids at home though. But as pp all agree this really shouldn't be hard to achieve because no one can be healthy if they are drinking on a daily basis. If your DH is getting angry at the idea of not having beer a couple of days a week he is a functional alcoholic.

Friendship101 · 30/06/2022 08:00

It sounds like he has a dependency

Shoxfordian · 30/06/2022 08:02

As long as you’re not both completely incapacitated and hammered then I don’t see the issue with him having a beer or two when you have a wine

PurpleDaisies · 30/06/2022 08:04

While your baby is under a year old yanbu that one of you needs to be sober and capable at all times.

Where has this rule come from? Why only until the baby is under one?

BelleMarionette · 30/06/2022 08:07

You aren't cosleeping after drinking, are you?

It sounds like your husband has a problematic level of drinking.

On a separate note, both parents having a drink, not becoming drunk, would be fine, if driving is not required.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/06/2022 08:07

I also think the important point here is that he appears to be drinking after work every night and seems to think that not only is this totally normal but that you are being a killjoy by asking him to go without for one day.

BigFatLiar · 30/06/2022 08:08

I made him get 0.0% beers, poor guy

Why poor guy? OH can't drink alcohol these days (medication issue) he has tried alcohol free beer and alcohol free G&T, he thinks they're fine, a lot better than the low alcohol stuff from the eighties.

If you find wine gets you wasted I'd give it a miss. Suppose he did stay sober and something did happen, sure he could take care of it but when you sobered up you'd feel like shit, not just because of the hangover but because you couldn't help or were even a hindrance.

Sounds like he could do with reigning in his drinking.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 30/06/2022 08:14

I don’t think you both need to stay sober with a tiny baby at home but my DD was 5 weeks old on Christmas Day and we both had a couple of drinks over the day. When we have been away, I’ve preferred someone to stay sober because it’ll be easier to drive to a hospital/out of hours doctor but at home I know we can catch a taxi or ask the neighbour for help.

It sounds like you don’t think you both have to be sober but the glass of red affects you a bit more than G&T. Fine, we all have different tolerances for things. So you’re saying you would be slightly more tipsy than you would usually be and you don’t think that his feelings beers after work is sober enough to look after your son? How many beers is he having? Are we talking over the drink driving limit or more? Were you against him drinking the alcohol free beer or does he feel put out that he had to drink the alcohol free beer? It does sound like your partner has a dependency, especially if you’ve had this argument a few times. It also sounds like part of the problem is you want a night off, which is understandable and absolutely fine, but he isn’t willing to stay sober for one night to facilitate that.

SummerPuddings · 30/06/2022 08:20

Its fine. Just don't get pissed.
🤷🏻‍♀️

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 30/06/2022 08:25

Hont1986 · 30/06/2022 07:58

Hopefully it doesn’t sound like we’re complete alcoholics

Well, it doesn't sound like you're an alcoholic...

Yes this

He's very unreasonable

However for me as a mother drinking alcohol wasn't a priority with a small baby either.......

You need to think about this - he's an alcoholic and by default this will get worse over time and my Auntie had years of it until her husband eventually had liver failure owing to alcoholism and passed away I've seen first hand what it can do - please get him the help he needs before it's too late. If he addresses it now he stands a reasonable chance of getting it sorted out. He owes it to you and your baby.

If he refuses to get help or engage with alcohol support then you, for the sake of you and your child need to leave before you child is old enough to see this and think it's normal

I hope you get it sorted ❤️