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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For this to feel like a smack in the teeth?

41 replies

FireGivesWarmth · 29/06/2022 15:18

Pic of exh popped up on my fb, mutual friend put it up. Local news report. He's been given an award for his support for local hospital. He's got cancer.
The pic made me jump. He's was violent to me and eldest. And also raped me twice during the relationship.

Just wanting to vent really. No one knows what a twat he really is, apart from me and eldest. Makes me sick.

OP posts:
Mamette · 29/06/2022 15:30

You’re away from him now. He can’t affect you.

People who think he is a good person are wrong. That’s their problem not yours.

Personally I do not do FB as I don’t want to see (or be seen by) certain people.

Original poster
FireGivesWarmth · 29/06/2022 15:33

Yeah, I think I'll take a break from it for a while. I've already 'unfollowed' said friend.

If only she knew...

OP posts:
10HailMarys · 29/06/2022 16:11

A very violent, coercive and financially abusive ex of mine died a few years ago. I hadn't seen him years and years but I found out because a mutual acquaintance (who knows he was violent because he actually witnessed it) posted a heartfelt RIP message under someone's post about it. Was weird seeing various people all posting about how sad it was and a great, happy-go-lucky, salt-of-the-earth guy he was, what a diamond he was, etc. The man was an absolute monster.

Although in a way I'm glad I saw the post because it did slightly cheer me up that he'd died.

Original poster
FireGivesWarmth · 29/06/2022 16:19

@10HailMarys this fills me with cheer! I believe the cancer is karmic!

OP posts:
Mally100 · 29/06/2022 16:26

FireGivesWarmth · 29/06/2022 15:33

Yeah, I think I'll take a break from it for a while. I've already 'unfollowed' said friend.

If only she knew...

Why are you blaming her for something she didn't know about?

Original poster
FireGivesWarmth · 29/06/2022 16:28

I guess I'm just cross that people don't know.

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 29/06/2022 16:31

I suppose it must be annoying to see him being hailed as a hero but I'd find comfort in the fact that he has a serious health issue.

Cir · 29/06/2022 16:36

Something similar happened to me. My ex was in all the local papers for his charity work. When we dated he was a controlling, abusive, violent arsehole.

I just made all the efforts to keep away from the story. When people talked about his charity work, I'd say "It looks like he's done some good work". When people would try to talk to me about what a fantastic human he was, I'd just say "That wasn't always my experience but we dated a long time ago".

What I mean is that I refused to go along with the rhetoric that he was some kind of saint. I had enough about me to know not to go slagging off a local hero, but I refused to buy into the narrative which didn't chime with my experience.

Sorry this is happening, OP, its horrible.

Itwasntmeright · 29/06/2022 16:37

That must’ve given you a shock Op. I know how shaken I was when my abuser popped up somewhere unexpected, nobody seem to understand why it triggered immediate panic in me.

he is away from you now so you are safe, and if he’s done a small bit of good in his horrible little life then all the better. You don’t have to praise him, he’s still a scumbag, but you don’t have to do anything at all because he’s out of your life. You don’t have to save the world from him. Anyone who needs to know about him will doubtless find out. That’s terrible for them but it’s not your responsibility. The important thing is that you got yourself and your child away.

loopycurtains · 29/06/2022 16:42

I totally get this. My abuser is now my ex but continues to control me through the children. It upsets me hugely that he comes across as such a harmless, gentle person to those that don't know him behind closed doors. Even people I'm close to. They nod in sympathy when I've explained it but they don't really believe it because they can't see it. It's not their fault, I don't hold it against them. But it hurts. Flowers

TeapotTitties · 29/06/2022 16:47

Mamette · 29/06/2022 15:30

You’re away from him now. He can’t affect you.

People who think he is a good person are wrong. That’s their problem not yours.

Personally I do not do FB as I don’t want to see (or be seen by) certain people.

You’re away from him now. He can’t affect you.

I know you mean well but that's not true. He can't harm her but he can affect her as is evidenced by what the OP is saying here Flowers

Sorry this has happened OP, it's shit that no-one else knows.

Penguinevere · 29/06/2022 17:06

Some of the biggest bastards have great PR don’t they.

Original poster
FireGivesWarmth · 29/06/2022 18:11

They certainly do @Penguinevere !

Yes, I'm away, and mostly doing well in life, but it was just a bit of a jolt.

OP posts:
Original poster
FireGivesWarmth · 05/07/2022 14:02

Christ, he's popped up again today, another mutual friendshared the article. . I think I'm going to hide from fb for a while. His existence makes me want to puke. Wanker.

OP posts:
MsMcGonagall · 05/07/2022 14:07

yanbu OP a friend in a similar situation described to me how her gut reaction in a similar piece of Facebook news has literally been a gut reaction- triggering feeling ill

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 05/07/2022 14:13

FireGivesWarmth · 29/06/2022 16:19

@10HailMarys this fills me with cheer! I believe the cancer is karmic!

Sorry your ex is a dick and your friends don't see it. But this is a shitty comment.

Junipercrumble · 05/07/2022 14:31

Icanstillrecallourlastsummer · 05/07/2022 14:13

Sorry your ex is a dick and your friends don't see it. But this is a shitty comment.

Show quote history

Agree with this.

Original poster
FireGivesWarmth · 05/07/2022 20:24

He's a rapist. I can't even begin to care.

OP posts:
Lalosalamanca · 05/07/2022 20:28

The first thought I had was well at least the cancer is good news for you OP.

Sending you hugs.

berksandbeyond · 05/07/2022 20:29

FireGivesWarmth · 29/06/2022 16:19

@10HailMarys this fills me with cheer! I believe the cancer is karmic!

What a fucked up thing to say / think

Lalosalamanca · 05/07/2022 20:30

People who have been raped can think "shitty" thoughts about their rapist and shouldn't be told off and preached at by strangers on the Internet who obviously have been lucky enough not to have been raped and or abused. STFU @Junipercrumble and @Icanstillrecallourlastsummer

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 05/07/2022 20:30

My exh slated me to anyone who would listen.. They must surely wonder why our dc went nc with him and not me.?

berksandbeyond · 05/07/2022 20:31

I wouldn't give a shit about him having cancer but saying it's karmic ... don't you think that's a dick thing to say considering how many amazing people suffer and die from cancer?

I wouldn't be so sure your karma will be great either with thoughts like that 😞

Lalosalamanca · 05/07/2022 20:31

See above @berksandbeyond

Lalosalamanca · 05/07/2022 20:33

She wasn't thinking everybody who gets cancer deserves it and that it is their cancer.

It was in reference to her ex who got away with raping and abusing her. Don't make.it into something it isn't