To not tolerate my sister’s treatment of my OH

[chatterbug22]

I sadly don’t get on with my sister, she displays a lot of narcissistic behaviours; ie she must always be the centre of attention, shows off, calls me boring for not drinking, etc. I raise it calmly with her, she gaslights and says I am just looking for trouble / being sensitive to the point where I almost believe it. I take a step back from her quietly and without fuss but she runs to family members deeply upset, accuses me of destroying the sister relationship and blocks me. Cycle repeats. My mum stays in the middle but often enables it and makes excuses for the way she is.

She cannot stand my partner and will ignore him and look him up and down, speak really passive aggressively more often than not when nobody else can hear, which makes him (and me) uncomfortable. He has given her no reason to do this and has always asked about her day, taken an interest in her etc. He deals with it simply and says he does not understand and wishes she was nice for my sake more than anything else.

However, it’s really bothering me, to the point where it’s keeping me up at night. She excludes him in conversation, never asks how he is- basically pretends like he’s not there. I am very happy and secure in the relationship, we’ve been together a few years and have our own home together. He is kind, loyal and hardworking, and gets on fine with other family members and particularly well my dad.

The length of our relationship coincides with me seeing my sister’s behaviours (which in truth have been ongoing for years on and off) and deciding not to accept them anymore, so I can only think she openly and outwardly blames him for it and this is the reason for her behaviour. She has a lovely partner of her own, so I doubt it’s any form of wishing what I had. More I think she maybe feels threatened by me being equal in life stage?

It’s reached the point where I’m not happy to speak to her in person because I never come away feeling great- she ‘refuses’ to have a text relationship with me and demands we communicate via voice note or phone.

AIBU to take a step back from her because of how rubbish her behaviour towards my partner makes me feel? I know not every personality in the world gets on, but people can be adults and be amicable to one another.

As someone who has spent years putting up with shitty behaviour from family and recently met someone who supports me and gives me the courage to stand up for myself and my feelings, id say do what's best for u and ur husband, family is family but not at the expense of ur happiness.
Good luck with whatever choice u make x

@Alwayscrying thank you x

@Alwayscrying also good on you for realising the pattern!

You should reduce contact not just for your partner's sake but for yours too - she can't be horrible to you if you don't see her. If she blocks you that's a bonus!

From my experience with my awful brother, my mum always wanted me to put up with him, it was pointless to discuss how he made me feel with her. If your mum is the same I'd advise not bothering to engage but change the subject or say yeah I'll give her a ring soon, then obviously don't.

Shitty siblings can make you miserable, it's very freeing when you don't have to engage anymore, don't feel you have to be the better person and put up with her so your mum can pretend she has the perfect family.

she ‘refuses’ to have a text relationship with me and demands we communicate via voice note or phone

She can refuse and demand all she likes. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO WHAT SHE SAYS.

Leave her to it. As pp said, you do not have to do what she says. How will you deal with family events?

This exactly ^^
My sister sounds similar OP and I avoid her like the plague. It's really toxic so don't feel bad for avoiding her.

I’m guessing sister is chronically single and/or known for short-lived, explosive relationships… Undoubtedly jealous and making shit up about DP to justify her behaviour. Ignore her and do/be whatever makes you happy.

I could have written this about my own sister. Parents enable it as “mental health” but it’s much more complex than that. You can have mental health struggles and still be a shitty person, which she is… I’m extremely low contact now and as PP said, just change the subject when parents try saying I need to make an effort with her and engage etc.

Its sad, but definitely for the best.

Im a firm believer that if people bring no positive aspects to your life / relationship then they have no place.

do what’s right for you OP xx

this behaviour is really shitty to your husband but it’s purely a way for her to treat you badly and not be called out on it. She has no respect for you at all.

I'd speak to close family members explain how unhappy she makes you and then go nc. It's not worth having someone in your life who causes so much pain. I'd probably avoid family events for a while until dust settles. If people bring it up be firm and say you have made your decision.

@Thirdsummerofourdiscontent thank you, my friends see it this way too.

@nonevernomore yes identical situation by the sounds of things! It’s just tough when there’s so much pressure and they can’t see it :(

@HeddaGarbled thank you, that is true

@BabyNo11989 yep! I think it must be fairly common but doesn’t make it easy when others just create excuses, as it makes you feel like a bad person

@yepmetooo thank you I do try this, their standard response is ‘you’re not without faults / responsibility in why you don’t get on’ which is then difficult.

She dropped off a big bag of presents and a moving card address to me when we moved into our new home, but didn’t put my partner’s name on the card. Really all just odd.

End the relationship with your sister and don't back down when she attempts the emotional blackmail. It's clear that she is the one who has destroyed your 'sister relationship' and tell her she has to accept that.

YANBU.
BIL and I don’t exactly like each other but we’re adults and we both love DH, so we make an effort to be civil.

Wow. I'd be cutting her out of my life for my own sake as well as my partner's. Just because she's your sister, it doesn't mean you have to keep trying - she's treating you both appallingly & sounds very unlikely to change. Life is far too short to indulge & enable selfish, mean, petty people like her. Simple. You & your partner deserve better.

You don't need to explain to anyone why you want to take a step back/go NC. You just don't ring her when she demands it. Just give a 'oh we're all very busy' or 'yes, we must catch up sometime' response, and don't bother. If you make an announcement to your mother/family, they will say you're not prefect, why can't you all get along, blah, blah, blah..
Just withdraw quietly.

I completely sympathise, OP, and plan to go torally NC with my sibling when my sister dies.

Your sister can demand a vocal relationship but you don't have to go along with it. Turn off voicemail and bock her number. When you realise she's rung message her and ask what's up. When she then tries to call message her again and say you're too busy to talk.

At family events try to avoid her as much as possible. Grey rock her when needsbe.

Just reduce contact to the absolute bare minimum. Christmas and birthday cards/present and that's it.

Have you asked her why she's like this towards him? Sorry if this has already been addressed

Cut her out of your life. Just because you're related, doesn't mean you should put up with her toxic ways.

I would go low contact. If she starts on you or your dh in company just tell her not to be such a cow to stamp it out immediately. She'll soon stop. It sounds as though too many people pussy foot around her, enabling her to treat people badly.

We make it sound easy and of course it's not. The only thing I can suggest is own your faults and agree saying. "Of course exactly why it's better if we give each other space"

You need to go NC. My brother is and was exactly the same. It's hard, especially for my mum knowing we don't speak anymore but the anxiety it was causing me meant I couldn't put up with it anymore and there are days when I feel sad about it but then I know it's not my problem :)

@BusyMum47 exactly my thoughts too, thank you.