To ask if it's unusual to have no friends or family

[LonelyPlanetGirl]

DH and I have no friends. DH is NC with his family and my parents are both dead. I don't have siblings and my aunties/uncles were all NC with my mother (my father was an only child).

I don't speak to anyone other than when I go to hospital appointments or to the shops - I haven't had a proper conversation with anyone other than DH or DD for about 10 years. DH does talk to people at work but doesn't socialise with them at all.

I'm asking whether this is unusual but really I know it is - I suppose what I'm really asking is how many other are in a similar situation?

If you’re NC with close family, then yes, you will be isolated from people. And it also suggests (I fully admit, possibly incorrectly) that there is some issue with being unable to resolve difference / agree to disagree. I can see that might be impossible if you have toxic family members. But again, some people do seem to be disproportionately affected by this, at least on here

TBF, @RenegadeMatron family dysfunction is quite hard to deal with, so it’s unkind to blame an escapee without knowing the details. “Disproportionately affected” is what you get when patterns get repeated down generations or one sane survivor marries another.

I get that, and I apologise if I have been insensitive @Sortilege

It is my observation that it is so common on here, that spending time on here makes me feel like the unusual one. But then I put the phone down and go out into the real world, where it is unheard of.

I’m sorry OP. It must be really rubbish, if part of you doesn’t want this sort of isolation. It must be even harder if you don’t want it, but your DH is quite happy never seeing or spending time with anyone else ever.

I’m in the same boat. Pretty normal life growing up, not close with family but plenty of friends. Cut contact with toxic parents, had a baby and moved towns, got a little isolated. Became ill with mobility issues and became very isolated.

Now when I feel a bit lonely and try to make friends I have nothing to talk about because my life’s boring, and I feel nervous and unsure what’s appropriate to talk about with strangers because I’m so used to not having to filter my words at home. I get really nervous and kind of choke on my words, then I get so mad at myself and end up even more nervous the next time because I failed so miserably.

I also hate seeing the same person more than a few times because I don’t want them remembering me and thinking I’m weird or that there’s something wrong with me, so I actually start going to different shops to avoid being recognised by local shopkeepers😬

I’m introverted and honestly don’t have the energy to keep up close friendships, but at the same time it would be so nice to have someone different to chat to and go for trips out. It’s just hard when it feels like everyone you see already has their own friends, and getting past that nervousness and fear of rejection.

Have you tried meetup .com? You can find things you’re interested in, and they have a lot of online meets x

My family are all scattered around the country so I tend not to see them very often but I do have a good circle of friends who I’m very close too.
But the thing is OP, it took a huge amount of effort on my part and there were times I felt very uncomfortable.

We moved to this area when my girls were little and knew no-one. I’ve lost count of the number of times I had to steal myself to walk into somewhere like a baby and toddler group or school coffee morning where I knew no-one. But I did it and I found people to chat to and I took my kids repeatedly to activities week in week out and chatted to the same people.

As my kids got older I’ve been able to go to some activities for myself and it’s the doing it repeatedly that gets you to meet people. Then coming up to Christmas you suggest a Christmas night out and everyone thinks that a great idea. And so it carries on.
I won’t say it’s easy and I have felt uncomfortable at times but I’ve done it and have a really good circle of friends.

And my eldest is now at university but she has grown up with me modelling how to do it and I was really proud of the way she waved us goodbye last September with tears in her eyes. But she told us to go at that point as she knew she had to start bonding with her new flat mates. And she’s always been quite shy.

I dare say for some people making good friends comes easily but for most of us it’s a life skill we learn along the way.

So I would echo what others have said. Find something you’re interested in and sign up to it. WI, singing group, book group, sewing/quilting, conversational Spanish. Be prepared to feel uncomfortable to begin but that’s ok. Go repeatedly week after week after week, chat to people at the break and it will get better.

@Katya213
I've seen your posts on many threads and usually agree with you.
I think we could be friends!

This is an anonymous online forum so I think that it will attract a bigger percentage of people that are lonely, isolated or anxious.

As much as MN advocates NC with family and sometimes posts are so heartbreaking it’s obvious why it’s pretty unusual, I do not know anyone in RL who has cut off their entire family. I’m assuming your DH had a very serious reason.

I think if you don’t want be isolated which it sounds like you don’t then it’s a big issue. I have relocated for work a few times and made a conscious decision to go out and meet people through hobbies and voluntary work. I also made friends at the school gate. I think out of 100 people there is the potential for a couple of friends, it’s a numbers game.

The less the better

I have no friends and no family.
The family I had have died, and friends have fallen by the wayside.

I'm now virtually housebound, so joining groups ir meetups isn't an option.

When I was at work, a chat with workmates was enough, but the situation now is pretty depressing.

I wonder if perhaps I'm selfish, because I've always been uninterested in making friends, really.

I suppose it's come home to roost now.

I know you said you have limited mobility OP (💐) but if you’re able to get out and about a bit, there must be hobby groups or classes you could join? Or voluntary things? Parkruns always need volunteers every Saturday (or Sunday for juniors) and are a supportive, fun environment.

I think the first step is to get used to talking to other people again. Forget about making friends for the moment, you just need to get used to talking to people again.
You could go to church every week, volunteer in a charity shop once a week, or do a course of some kind. Just something that will get you used to being around other people again in a slow and gradual matter.

@RobertSmithsLipstick is there a befriending scheme where you live for housebound people?

Yeah I think there is.
Up until 18 months ago I would have been the person looking this up for other lonely, housebound people.

It takes some adjustment to realise this it's now me needing aids, support, help, and befriending.

@RobertSmithsLipstick I understand that feeling of pride. But sometimes you have to face it and take steps to make your life better.

Thank you, I will do something to sort out a friend or two, or at the very least an adult human to have contact with.

I'm still in the middle of dealing with the practicalities of it all, for now.

Just a chat every now and then would make a huge difference.

Anyway, OP, not wanting to take over the thread, just know you aren't alone.