To ask if it's unusual to have no friends or family

[LonelyPlanetGirl]

DH and I have no friends. DH is NC with his family and my parents are both dead. I don't have siblings and my aunties/uncles were all NC with my mother (my father was an only child).

I don't speak to anyone other than when I go to hospital appointments or to the shops - I haven't had a proper conversation with anyone other than DH or DD for about 10 years. DH does talk to people at work but doesn't socialise with them at all.

I'm asking whether this is unusual but really I know it is - I suppose what I'm really asking is how many other are in a similar situation?

Does your daughter have friends her own age to socialise with?

I have 3 friends and a few acquaintances. 2 of those friends live in different country’s. My family are all overseas. H has zero friends, his dad doesn’t either. His mum has a good bunch. I fear our retirement, if we get that far, will look like theirs. His mum off on girls trips and lunches and his dad pottering around the house.

i’m worried for my kids as they don’t have friends they see outside of school really and worry we are holding them back. I don’t want them to have this lonely life.

It's not that unusual I think. I have read a lot of posts from people on here saying they only see their immediate family for weeks on end.

To be honest I don't think its great, no, although there clearly are circumstances which make it understandable. I think having some contact with people outside your immediate family is really important, for perspective, for a break from the routine, and just to see things from other people's views. I also don't think its healthy to be so over-reliant on your spouse: you would be extremely vulnerable in the event of a death or a breakup. And I don't think it sets a terrific example to your DD.

You clearly have had a lot to deal with though so I can understand how this has crept up on you. The question is, I guess, do you want to change it?

No, she doesn't have friends either. She does have some online friends but nobody in real life. She was bullied through school and didn't make friends there, and now she doesn't have friends at work - she says her colleagues have very different interests to her and are also a bit older, so they don't have much in common.

I do worry about her - hopefully DH and I will be around for a lot longer yet but with no friends or family of her own I worry about her being isolated when she's older.

💐 to everyone else who feels lonely and isolated. It can be horrible, can't it.

The question is, I guess, do you want to change it?

I would, yes. But I have no idea how.

I think as long as it hasn't impacted your daughter and she's able to form friendships then that's fine, if it's a lifestyle that makes you happy. If it's meant that your child is similarly isolated then I think it's pretty shit, part of being a parent is teaching your children social skills and how to navigate the world.

The answer that’s always trotted out on here is clubs and hobbies. And it’s true and these are a good idea as long as you have the confidence to throw yourself at it, but it sounds as if your confidence has taken a knock. Is this just because you are out of practice? Or are you possibly suffering from anxiety or depression?

Would your DH be supportive of you doing more outside the house?

Join a book club or a sports club or a choir
Volunteer
Evening classes

He absolutely would be. He's fine without friends or family - he's quite self sufficient! But he knows I'm not.

I'm on antidepressants currently and have been on and off for years. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis 10 years ago and it's been pretty awful - I've gone from running 10 miles most days and being a size 8 to some days barely being able to move off the sofa and being an 18. It's been hard to come to terms with.

I have not a good friend in this world only my little daughter, we have very little family and none in this country, also she has no contact with her father. It’s just the cards you’re dealt with.

It's not unusual but I don't know anyone else in my position either since my sister passed away last year. I have no family or friends just DH and teenage. It is a very strange feeling to not have any family left and no friends to take to about things.

Would you consider joining some kind of online group, a virtual book group for example, to meet and chat with other people? Just to boost your confidence until you felt more like going out to meet people in real life?

I opened this thread thinking that is somebody in the same position as me - no family or friends.
But you then go on to say that you have a wonderful husband and daughter so you are not on your own at all.
I am also immunocomprimised and the only people I see is at hospital once a week. I don't have a family, you do.

There is so much of life to be enjoyed with friends - socialising - dinners - hobbies - coffees- holidays - lunches! Trips out - just a general gossip and natter! Just having a support network around you. I’d say it’s unusual to have no friends.

what about your DDs interests are there people she make friends with locally?

Church/Temple? Community events?

I went from having alot of friends to nearly none, since I've been ill with fibromyalgia, ME and autoimmune disease. Also depression. I think because I'm not able to commit to going to social gatherings and meet ups. Also I feel a few friends think I just make excuses when I'm unable to leave my home which then I dont make many calls to so called friends whom have no understanding of my disabilities.
Your truly find out who your real friends are when your ill.

I'm so sorry 💐

I should have said extended family. I'll ask MN to change it.

OP you sound like a lovely thoughtful person and I’m sure people would want to be friends with you. You just need to find the route to meeting them.
Saga have a few suggestions online.

DH is NC with his family and my parents are both dead. I don't have siblings and my aunties/uncles were all NC with my mother

This is what jumps out to me.

I know being ‘no contact’ with family members is very normal on MN. But I don’t know a soul who’s no contact with their family. And I have a wide and varied set of friends and family.

Maybe that makes me the unusual one. And I acknowledge that I’m privileged not to have experienced it. But it does strike me how common it is on here, but how unreflective of my real life it also is.

If you’re NC with close family, then yes, you will be isolated from people. And it also suggests (I fully admit, possibly incorrectly) that there is some issue with being unable to resolve difference / agree to disagree. I can see that might be impossible if you have toxic family members. But again, some people do seem to be disproportionately affected by this, at least on here.

OP, you have asked for opinions, so I am going to give mine. I do think your situation is unusual. I feel sad for your daughter that she hasn’t had friendship modelled to her, and now she is alone. Except she is currently even more alone than you; at least you also have your DH.

However, me being sad shouldn’t mean anything to you, or her, if she’s perfectly content with the situation.

I had some time off (more than a year) when I was first diagnosed and even that was enough to let friendships drift a bit and become a bit of a hermit. I can easily see how it can happen when there are family rifts and only children.

Why don’t you start a social (quiche) thread for disabled and chronically ill MNers who don’t work?

What about doing a college course or evening class, OP? That might be a way to be a bit more sociable. You might not make friends straightaway (or you might!) but it would be a good way to get some more confidence of being around other people. It's a structured and time-limited activity, so you don't have to feel awkward about not knowing what to do. Maybe something artsy, like pottery, or creative writing, or maybe you could do a course in history or something else you're interested in. Even if you don't make new friends, it will get you meeting and talking to people, and if nothing else, you'll learn something new!

www.saga.co.uk/magazine/relationships/friends/how-to-make-new-friends

@Jada1234 can be your first sign up! You both have my sympathies. Chronic bad health is rotten luck and it eats up time. I don’t think people who haven’t been through it really understand.

Many people don't have lots of friends and that's fine if you are happy , if you aren't you are in charge of your own destiny, make changes

Why not join the wi, the mothers union, a church etc