about people’s reaction when I’ve told them about Dd14 asd diagnosis

[User0610134049]

I’ve confided in a few people about dd14 being diagnosed with autism.

i suppose I expected some might be surprised as it’s not perhaps overly obvious and she tends to hold things together mostly at school but had loads of issues with socialising, anxiety and communication:

Every single person I’ve spoken to about it so far has said something along the lines of ‘well I think we all are on the spectrum, aren’t we’

AIBU that this makes me feel a bit shit?
can’t quite explain why, but it just does

Because it's minimising the impact and struggle to you and your family. people that understand, know how hard it is. Well done on getting a diagnosis.

thinking about it, maybe it’s because it feels quite dismissive, and it was a big deal for us to get the diagnosis and a relief in many ways as it explained a lot

Yes, thank you @greywinds

Yes saying we are all on the spectrum is 'boring, next!' Commentary

Because it minimises the difficulties that autistic people face. I am autistic and have an autistic teenager and it pisses me off too

Really sorry OP 🌺 Do you think it’s upsetting because it sort of sounds like they’re minimising your DD’s condition and the things she needs support with? I do understand why it’s frustrating to hear, and it would upset me too. It sounds like they’re not hearing you out and kind of ignoring your and your DD’s frustrations. It sounds like they have good intentions, but I understand it’s frustrating ❤️

They’re trying to empathise (and missing). What they mean is they see her not her disability. Take the sentiment and ignore the words.

My 16 year old DD has just been diagnosed.

I’ve only told close family, and my best friends - all supportive.

I know what you mean though .. you hear it all the time. My DD is “high functioning” I think people believe she will be able to count cards, and win them a fortune in Vegas.

I guess they're trying to minimise it for you perhaps? Instead of 'oh my god! I'm
So sorry, are you ok? You must be devastated' reaction. Or maybe it's no surprise to them?

People are generally more accepting
and educated about neurodiversity
as well. Obviously it's a big deal to your family at the moment it shouldn't change how people view your daughter or you, other than 'hopefully she will be able to get the support she needs now that she has a diagnosis' comment.

If you need support, or want to talk about it, then you have to be a bit forthcoming 'it's was a shock to us......I'm gutted for her.....
etc.

I think people are clumsily trying to make you feel better. It is hard when you're struggling, maybe dealing with difficult behaviour, worrying about their future, etc etc, but I honestly don't think people are being dismissive.

'we all are on the spectrum, aren’t we.' I find that really irritating. Had a big debate with my OH, whose argument was that if autism is a spectrum, then at some stage it must shade into neurotypical, so some people must have autistic traits without being autistic. But I told him you're either autistic or you're not.

Op I hate that too! I have two dds with autism and it’s amazing how many people tell me ‘we’re all a little bit on the spectrum’. They have no idea how much my children struggle and how much they mask. It’s like those idiots who think it’s funny to say they must have ocd or Tourette’s just because they’re neat or they like swearing.

I think you need to judge it based on what you know of the person.
It can be utterly dismissive - they think everyone is on a spectrum somewhere and you’re making a thing of nothing.
Or, it can be supportively trying to say that your child is “normal”.

I'd say:

"oh right .. so, how does your autism effect you?"

Because it shows a massive lack of understanding of autism and what a spectrum actually is and how it works. It drives me insane. See also "I'm a bit OCD" and "Everyone's got ADHD now".

Hugs OP. My DD was diagnosed last year at 15 after significant mental health difficulties. I got “really? Are you sure? She doesn’t seem it” etc. It is frustrating and there is a sense out there that she should do something about it. Hopefully understanding will get better 🤞

We are not 'all on the spectrum' and it's an incredibly ableist thing for anyone to say.

I've had it said to me several times over the years. I'm autistic and both my children are autistic.

Our struggles are very real. It pisses me off when people minimise it with statements like this.

I don't have a suitable response for you to give out - wish I did. Then I'd use it too.

I’m going through similar with DS 12 and it’s really annoying but I guess they’re clumsily trying to make me feel better but it’s minimising what is a huge thing in our lives.

btw @NotTerfNorCis my eldest has just been assessed for ASD. He doesn’t have it but the team said he did display autistic traits. I don’t think it’s an official diagnosis but he has ADHD so we knew he isn’t NT and it was in that context. Paediatrician mentioned it too as a phrase so don’t know if it’s a thing now!

My oldest 2 have asd, 10 and 7 and I've had their granny refer to them 'having something wrong with them' and also 'what if my other two boys end up having something wrong with them'. The opinion of others who are ill informed and just completely wrong will never change and you will encounter more people like them. But as you have probably seen, there are others who understand and support you. Children with any struggle whether it mental physical etc have challenges and obstacles they face everyday and my boys make me extremely proud to be a parent of Children with asd. I explain it to them as that all brains work differently, mine will get from A to B one way and their brain might get from A to B a different way but in the end we are all made the same, just a little different. Some may take offence or disagree with my way of supporting my children. That's just how I do it. You do it whatever way works for you and your family. The stupid opinions and comments will leave a sting for awhile but in time you won't even notice them. I don't let them bother me anymore they aren't worth mine or my family's time. Good luck op and well done to your daughter for getting her diagnosis it's so hard to even get an assessment these days!

Yes, this! My DS has just been diagnosed as a teenager, and we kind of knew for a long time, but it is a relief to have it confirmed, and just helps us to be more understanding of his daily struggles. Things I wasn't really aware of. One thing in particular, we kept trying to get him to stop doing an annoying habit which we now realise is one of his stims and I now feel guilty for all the years of nagging.

I suppose they were trying to be understanding, like ' it's nothing to worry about', and probably there are a lot of people who are undiagnosed and 'passing', but for an autistic person daily life can be very stressful and exhausting, and acknowledgement of that is important, rather than dismissing it

But aren’t they just trying to be positive. It’s a bit like my friend moaning about her weight, I’m hardly going to say ‘yes you are a fat porker’ am I.
Im more likely to say oh we all put weight on as we get older. So try and say she is close to normal.

I see what you're saying but when someone is saying their child has had a dx of a disability, saying we are all disabled isn't really quite right.

@Fairyliz when you say try and say she is close to normal, is this about your friend example or about the OPs daughter?

I think the point is that people are trying really hard not to say, 'Oh that's terrible. I'm so sorry.' Because they know that is wrong and that neurodiversity is meant to be celebrated.

I am still struggling to come to terms with the knowledge that a child in my extended family has quite significantly different development. I feel quite a lot of emotions that are hard to express. They are - if you like - ableist. 'Wrong'.

I always challenge it by saying that the spectrum is for autistic people and if you’re not autistic you’re not on the spectrum. Else, why the fuck would we have a spectrum? 🙄

It is dismissive.