AIBU to think talking/shouting to yourself is worrying

[Pantone6]

OK - so I don't mean mumbling to yourself when you forget something in Tesco.

My DH talks to himself a lot. And he says quite horrible things. Mainly "I hate myself" or "Stop it you idiot' and sometimes he will say "I love you Pantone". He will randomly say these things quietly when I'm in the room. When I leave the room, and he thinks i can't hear - he will often say much more, and much louder. Sometimes it's nonsense. Sometime he shouts.

He never does this in public or if friends/family are over. He never does it at work.

He does sometimes do it in front of the kids who are under 4 and therefore don't really pick up on it. Or at least they don't seem to.

He did go to therapy for a bit but stopped. He says he wishes he didn't do it but he's not interested at all in doing anything to make it stop. The only thing I get out of him when I talk to him about it 'I do it when I'm anxious or thinking about something bad'.

AIBU to think that this needs to be addressed? I worry about what it means, it might escalate, and also (and maybe I'm being horrible here) - I worry about the impact on the kids. I know we need to bring them up to be understanding but I would find it difficult as a young kid to have my dad shout 'i hate myself' in the kitchen.

Or does he maybe have a mild form of tourettes and i just need to accept that and support him & not expect it to change or be 'fixed'? I really hate it but maybe I'm being unsupportive.

He is a bit anxious about stuff (cost of living) and can be a bit worn down by things and seems to fall asleep on the sofa a lot but i wouldn't say he was very mentally unwell in other ways.

Anyone? How worried would you be?

Does he have a mild form of Tourette's?

I think it is worrying. My mum does it, although in a different way to what you describe.

She will have whole conversations with other people while talking to herself. So she's almost role playing a conversation, inserting their responses to make it 2 sided. But she loses touch with reality and often can't tell the difference between something someone has said in her head, or in reality.

In her case it's one of many worrying mental health issues, and it does affect her relationships.

YANBU. I think he should go talk to his GP. Whatever is bothering him is treatable, but problems usually cannot be managed without outside help, and often escalate.
I think I would usually be more worried by a partner that refuses to get help than one who has a problem that's under control.

Tourette's is generally not something he would be able to control in the manner you describe.

I say phrases over and over, it's an autism thing. Every time I have an uncomfortable thought, it's a way of releasing and managing the uncomfortable emotions.

My mum does it. I could write you a long list of conditions I think she has but she has no formal medical diagnosis and no interest in one either. Her behaviour has never escalated beyond this. Mostly its her getting annoyed with herself.

My 9YO child has autism. There are a lot of other family members, my mum included, who have very similar behaviours to my son.

But I would recommend encouraging your DH to get some form of help either as a formal diagnosis or just with coping strategies for stress.

But I'm self aware enough to know how weird it is soo really try not to do it in public or around people

This is interesting. I have phrases I say out loud and it's worse when I'm anxious or have messed up. It usually nonsense that has no bearing on what I'm thinking. I also have a habit of reading or quietly singing things out loud when I'm anxious. I'm aware enough to control it when I know someone is around but I'm sure DH has noticed it at home. I don't have autism or any other diagnosis.

Doesn't sound like Tourette's as he doesn't do outside the house.

My guess is that he's either autistic and 'stimming' by saying certain words when he's worried or stressed, or that he has some form of OCD - some people with OCD have certain words or phrases that they have to say to 'cancel out' a bad thought or something they've seen someone else do or say.

The fact that he says he does it when he's anxious or thinking about bad things would fit with either of those, I think.

I think he probably would benefit from getting a diagnosis, not just because of this but also for his wellbeing in general. An actual diagnosis of what is going on might give him some coping strategies and validation, and improve his mental health in general. If he does have OCD, medication and CBT could help. If he is on the autism spectrum, knowing that would help him understand himself, help you understand him, and also give you a way of explaining his behaviour to your children so that they know it's just a thing that Daddy does and nothing to be scared about.

I do this quite a bit, fortunately mostly when alone but DH has noticed so sometimes when there are other people in a different room. It's just escaping thoughts and random sentences.
I don't have any particular conditions although I do have some OCD tendencies.
I don't worry about it but it can be embarrassing

I sometimes do this when I'm stressed or anxious. My therapist called it Echolalia. My dd also does it.

@inmyslippers Oh really? I didn't know it was an autism thing. That is a bit of a difficult topic in our house at the moment as the nursery for our 4 year old has suggested we get an autism referral and DH is not interested.

DH is heavily dyslexic and when he had therapy they mentioned OCD to him, but he says he was also referred for autism as a child but they said he didn't have it. But that was nearly 4 decades ago so maybe things have changed now in terms of how they diagnose people.

One thing my 4 yr old and DH have in common is quite a scary imagination. As in the detail they go into, and they see stuff in things I don't....I know all kids do make believe but my 4 year old is unusual in the way he plays, and my DH has always said his imagination is how worst enemy...he says he can imagine things happening in very realistic detail.

Anyway - I just need to encourage him to possibly see a GP I guess. I'm just being horrible wanting it to go away - I just find it difficult when I walk out the room and hear 'I hate myself please die' as I leave the room when we have just been having a really normal conversation.

I think I need to be more empathetic but it's hard when if it was me...I would be looking stuff up, talking to doctors, i know he hates doing it but he just doens't want to talk about it

Rather than trying to squash the behaviour completely which can just make it harder to suppress, can he try something else instead. A positive phrase, sing a song?

OP is he hearing voices.... severe anxiety can cause this Issue.
This happened to a male family member.

Is now on medication and much better.

It can be such a long process to get a diagnosis but I think it's worth it. Helps make sense of things such as talking to yourself. Hopefully he'll want to one day pursue it. But I agree trying to change the phrases to something more positive

Urgh. People talk to themselves often. It doesn't make them autistic. I would be more concerned about a mental health issue that's making him say the things about hating himself and death, or, at a real stretch with no context, is he doing it to control you somehow? It's strange he only does it at home.

@lolil I've asked him about not doing it in public and he says he doesn't do it when he's busy, when his mind is busy. He's got a very busy job and he's quite anti-social so he has to really be 'on' if that makes sense.

But at home - when he's alone or just with me - he just happens. He says the mor relaxed he is, the more his mind wonders and then thinks about something really bad happening, and then....he's saying something.

He does say 'Pantone I love you' quite a lot. Or 'do you love me pantone?' randomly so that's more positive. I find it quite annoying when I'm in the middle of saying something and he says it. He doesn't seem in control.

The 'I hate myself' stuff tends me when I'm out the room. It's upsetting. He says it doesnt' mean anything but even if he can brush it aside, I don't know how to explain it to a 4 year old.

I do this (autism) but never so that others can hear.

it's a way of "solidifying" thoughts, for me. In my head alone they are too intangible - said out loud they become clearer.

@lolil And he's not talking to him in the way I might..."Oh shit...what did I need from Tesco again?"

It's said suddenly, out of nowhere, no connection to anything that I can see, and he looks sheepish and annoyed with himself. It's definitely different to just talking to yourself in 'world of your own way'. It's like it's a scratch he's got to itch. Which sounds like tourettes but as i say - doesn't do it in public.

He has done it on the tube before. I think probably when he's in a half sleepy mode and he's not on alert/being aware - he was really upset about that I coudl tell. If he started doing it in public he wouldn't go in public. He would also not be able to do his job.

I do however they are linked in with the personality disorders that I have.
I cannot control when I talk/shout or sing to myself.
Eventually I realise myself or take on board that I’m not well again and it’s back to the gp for another crisis referral or a self referral depending on when I was last discharged from their care.

Even keeping myself busy and trying to distract myself doesn’t work. And would also do this in work.

I would encourage him to go back to the gp and remind him that during any treatment things can get worse before they improve.

It does sound to me like he might be neurodivergent in some way. The pattern of not doing something until he's alone in a room sounds a bit like 'masking' to me. This is the word I suppose for trying to behave normally, but it can be a strain. Therefore you 'relax' when you feel safe e.g. you're alone in the room and 'suddenly' you're being weird in ways that aren't usually like you.

Given that he is apparently able to mask successfully, e.g. 'he doesn't do this at work' conversations about what you are and aren't comfortable with behaviour wise might well help.

Knowing how he's feeling and not putting too much pressure to be 'normal' all the time can help a lot. He may benefit from a room /place he can go and be out of the way, man cave in the garden style to decompress (ideally out of earshot).

I do it- autism and OCD here.

My son does this daily and he has autism. He also does this in a shouty whisper as well. Its a way of processing the thoughts in his head. He is processing the conversations that are in his head outloud. He also does it in public. Its hard to keep a lid on and hard to know how best to manage it. I would say your DH could also be neurodivergent. If your DD also has concerns then these should be investigated and it may help your DH see that he has some traits maybe?

God it's weird as fuck I think.