'Snowflake' parent when actually there is undiagnosed SEN

[Bbqbeefhulahoopsarethebest]

Have many of you had to deal with being perceived as a 'difficult' or 'anxious' parent when actually your child has undiagnosed SEN. Or are there any teachers who maybe had to re-evaluate their view of a child/parent when a diagnosis was received.

Having a bit of a vent (inspired by a thread at the moment talking about 'snowflake' parents being hard work and demanding etc).

It's taken us years of meltdowns and challenges with DC at home to finally get taken seriously enough to get an ASD diagnosis. And along the way me being made to feel like I was being a 'snowflake' parent and my DC to develop some some severe mental health problems.

I've heard it all. Wait til someone sidles up to you in the playground to moan about disruptive kids with SN. Or you get ostracised.

This! This thread is bringing it all back now.

Well if it's teachers then they should know your DC well enough to identify that there are issues and support you in further investigations. Sounds tough op.

Yes. I even had a report to social care with a false statement in it.

DC went nearly a decade being labelled as ‘bad’ and me as ‘neglectful’ and causing ‘emotional harm’ when all along DC has a chromosome deletion, sensory issues inc ability to judge temperature (wearing thick coats in summer and always ‘cold’ but in winter wears bugger all) as well as ADHD and significant social communication issues.

covid saved DC who was suicidal and those lockdowns gave us the big break between a traumatising school and an excellent school. Downside is DC is yrs behind but happier. They’ll catch up

When you're dragging through treacle though with multiple people minimising your concerns, it's hard to plough ahead quickly. Hell given wait lists assessments never move fast @Bbqbeefhulahoopsarethebest

I knew from age 2 with one dc and 4 with the other and even pushing as hard as I could it still took years.

jott it's funny now!! 'I'll be in the spa whilst you practise your superior skills'.

Tbh I find people still minimise post several dx, and assert my dd is this or that. The ignorance never ends.

It happens all the time, parent blaming and gaslighting. Often by teachers/schools who think they know it all when most are utterly clueless on recognising send, especially if the child 'looks fine in school' and isn't disruptive.

Yup... I was told my child just wasn't as bright as I and they had thought she was.. ...on Ed psych asseesment she has an GAI (ability) score 98th centile and a processing score on 7th centile... very very bright... very very slow !!!

I have been through the gamut of gaslighting and parent blaming for DD's SEN. Called an anxious parent more times than I can remember. I am so angry about it, but it helps not a jot.

I'm sad and angry to hear it's still the same. I had hoped things had improved. My children were diagnosed 14 and 10 years ago respectively. DS and how he and I were treated was horrific. Dd much easier as I had all the language and knowledge of the assessment process by then. Despite knowing there was a child with autism already in the family dd's school dragged their feet and obstructed her being assessed. I took her to the GP and was ready to go in all guns blazing only to be met with a calm and wonderful GP who said immediately "well you already have an autistic child don't you, so I am sure you know what you're talking about" and sent the referral there and then in front of me. Even then though I had to write multiple letters requesting EHCP assessment as school didn't "believe it to be necessary". She was awarded it the first time of trying and everything we asked for so... 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh I am getting angry again thinking about it. I hadn't thought about those times for ages.

The new school was a revelation in terms of SENCo support. Previous school said DC was academically behind, new school said they were actually ahead and it appeared that DC just didn't want to engage with teaching at their old school (can't think why.... 🤔 ). New school have not had that issue and DC is a different child with them - happy, settled, learning. Paediatrician report made several support recommendations and new school already had them all up and running based off their own SENCo assessments while we were waiting for the diagnosis. And it's just accepted that this is how DC is, its not a big thing where they're marked out as difficult or awkward, the school is inclusive and welcoming as a matter of course. One of the nicest things DC teacher said to me was that she didn't realise her class was missing someone important until DC joined the school and then she realised that DC was exactly who they were missing. I can never thank that school enough.

If anyone is having shit with school and moving schools is an option, do it. Don't beat your head against a wall trying to get through to a school who won't work with you, won't listen to you, and who your relationship with has broken down. Look at other schools. And yes, there's a chance that the new school might not be much better but you're starting fresh without all that resentment and frustration weighing you down and there's a chance they'll actually be so much better because they don't have previously formed opinions based on your child pre-diagnosis like the old school did.

You might get more sympathy if you didn’t spread mis truths. Social workers do not get paid for every child that is adopted. And I hate to pop your bubble, but I don’t think you will be getting compensation in the millions, so for goodness sake don’t spend it in advance.

Teachers opinions can be very damaging.
My own experiance was awful, very little in the way of support, and made to feel like a huge inconvieniance. Best thing l ever did was remove my son from school, he has thrived since. School is seen to many as the Holy Grail and the only route to educating your child. There is an unrealistic expectation that school is a good fit for every child and God help you if your child doesn' t fit the mould.

Yup, ASD and NT DSs here! but the fight is real and can be draining. Pick your battles as you will get battle weary. But, the positives come later and you can sit back and know that they were wrong, when the son they wrote off is now at Uni doing a law degree.

Hang on in there 💐

Hi op we have a dreadful culture around education in the UK.
It's a strange combination between some very defensive and arrogant staff and some truly obnoxious parents.

However the real problem is that teachers don't actually learn about Sen. They can't recognise it,know what to do with it. Schools seem to lack the the most basic tools to help those with Sen.

Then ...let's say you have a teacher whose special interest is Sen or perhaps their own DC has it. They maybe able to assist you, however your then stuck in the system.

The systems which doesn't want you to diagnose Sen , because that could cause them money costs. Usually neither the school and sometimes the council's doesn't actually know the law. They still say things like "your DC has to be a year behind to get an ehcp." Then they can be seen to be doing something , supporting the child but perhaps not properly as the child doesn't have any diagnosis.

The. The child is going to secondary without an ehcp and paid for support.

This is why a high proportion of people in prison have literacy issue's and learning issue's.

This is where they are being failed.

Oh and fhe sheer cultish obsession with phonics.

Op the culture and attitude of some. Of DC teachers and SLT has made me think they should be removed immediately from the education systems.

When our eldest was in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD, we were sent for family counselling as well as DD going through CAMHS. This lady worked from a shed in her garden, had done an online course for therapy, and wrote a report saying that I had serious issues resulting from the stillbirth I'd had (at this stage it was about 12 years beforehand) and that I was projecting onto DD. I was so beyond furious that I walked out of the session - I didn't want DD to see me crying and upset over the loss of her brother and it had fuck all to do with her inability to cope in mainstream school. I made a complaint about her, and then was labelled as difficult as well as over anxious

I was told that SEN is an elective six week module for teachers during training and they don't study it in any sustained way. Not sure if thats still true but would certainly explain the disconnect. The problem is an education professional tells you there's issues with your child and you expect them to know what's going on, they're the professional after all. I think that is a massive part of the problem. We are told that teachers and schools know best so we think ok they will know what to do but they don't when it comes to SEN and SN. In fact they're often more clueless than the parent.

This is a great summary.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and that you have been made to feel like this. It's not your fault and you are exactly right, this does happen.

I am ashamed to admit that, as an NQT, I taught a child who I felt presented as a neurotypical child in school. Their parents were constantly in and explaining that they thought the child had autism and I just didn't see it in school and I didn't take them seriously enough. Little did I know the child had become very successful at masking their autism in school and as a result they would have big blow outs at home. Further to that, because I wasn't differentiating my teaching to this child to cater for their specific needs it meant that their blow outs at home were pretty intense because they were way too overstimulated in the classroom. I feel very ashamed of this and this experience has led me to educate myself and to become an advocate for children with SEND in school. Teachers need to be better educated as to how children with additional needs are so individual when it comes to how they present and what they need. I now have my own children too and my heart breaks to imagine how it must feel to have to fight for your child to get what they need. Just wanted to send big hugs X

I agree jott people are too sticky to bad schools for their kids. I made this mistake too, ploughed on for 3 years with worsening results with dc1, and pulled plug much faster with dc2.

A period of flexi or home school or more days off helps too IF the family can manage it.

You often make a school choice without factoring in SN or details of what negatively affects them, and then get stuck trying to access provision in a school with poor SN provision or that just can't meet their needs.

I would prefer a far more transparent system where it's admitted that one teacher in a class of 30 can't help DC with undiagnosed Sen.
Each teacher should have basic Sen knowledge and training.
Each teacher/ta should have access to a properly trained senco who is knowledge on tips and hints for DC who are struggling. visual supports and Aidas/ strategies.

Senco should be highly specialised and trained and actually provide suppoet for parents.
And know the law. Keep teachers up to date with the law.

Parents could then be given proper support, and either pathway's to ehcp and diagnosis or ideas on what to do.
One simple thing unlocked my DC's learning. Not one teacher or senco or anyone told me at the school. That's not right.

Work needs to be done between parents and teachers, to improve the relationship and communication.

Grey, we agonised over moving dd ,I read a move can set them back 6 months at least and she was already bottom of the class.

@Pleasecreateausername

It almost bring tears to my eye's reading that.

The times I would try and explain to a teacher that dd wasn't happy and inwas (rudley) informed she was fine.

It's not just autistic DC who mask either.
Don't we all to some degree?

@LondonWolf

Yy

Absolutely

Is there any group or movements to tackle this? Anything on Facebook or anywhere?

@Pleasecreateausername thanks for your post. That sounds similar to how my child is - excellent masking at school. Terrible meltdowns at home. It is fantastic you have become an advocate for SEN children. You will make a huge difference for those you advocate for. Xx

Quite. DCs old senco asked what sensory processing disorder was! And tried to say the sensory diet could be done at home even though kids spent more awake time in school than home.

shite teachers and SENCOs should be easier to fire.

I moved mine back a year in the end summer and two years on it's worked out. It's agonising - especially when the school is asserting they're doing as well as they can they're just always going to struggle and they see no signs they're 'so happy' in school.