AIBU to think that I could be tired too!!??

[Regina Falange]

My husband and I have got a really off balance work/home life and I'm stuck with what to do about it. Basically, he works 12 hour shifts from 5-5 so is up at 4am four times a week. I work 9-5:30, also four times a week.

Because he has such an early start he is, understandably, knackered by the time he gets home and his bedtime has become 8-9pm. I totally get this and I could NOT do it, I'd be ruined after one shift so I fully appreciate his work is hard and tiring.

BUT!!!! Because of this, literally everything else falls to me: school runs, dog walks, my own job, after school activities (which are 4 times a week), cooking, housework, food shopping, laundry.... You get the picture!

Today, as an example, I was up at 7 to get the kids to school, then I walked the dog, went to work 9-5, went straight to the supermarket from work, then straight to child's class until 8pm, then to the pharmacy, then home, cooked tea at 8:45pm, (just egg on toast cos it's so late) sat down at 9:10pm to eat and now I'm writing this. I've still got to tidy up/dishwasher etc, put the kids to bed and walk the dog again. I'm knackered and it's only Monday! Husband has been in bed since about 8.

Whenever I try and raise it with him, that I have too much on my plate and I'm not managing because it's exhausting he just plays the "well I've been up since 4am" card and it turns into almost a competition over who's more tired!! What do I do?? How can I make him see that I appreciate what he does is really hard and tiring but I want him to understand what I do too, and that it's not easy! We end up arguing whenever I say anything 😭

Does he do anything on the 'day off' he has each week? Particularly I means with the kids etc... but generally anything?

And no I don't think it's unreasonable that you are tired too and he should respect this enough to at least discuss it.

Your day sounds busy but also poor time management. You both have 1 day a week where presumably the kids are at school? Why can't the bulk of the housework, laundry, food planning/shopping, chores be on those days. So you strip the working days down to bare minimum?

Also he needs to pull equal weight. If kids classes finish at 8 there's no reason why you can't split them 50/50.

Really boringly, I’d sit down and chart the time spent on work, chores, activities etc

You should both have equal down time and relaxation time, so you’d say (for example) that you both have a “working day” of 14 hours per day which includes your actual work plus chores. You’d naturally take a bit more cos your day is shorter, but then you split chores and take some on each.

His hours aren’t THAT much shorter than yours so he’s being a bit of an arse in expecting you to do it all, but you also need to be quite firm about this and not be a doormat

He works a long day, but he's feeling a bit sorry for himself about it and or taking advantage.

I'd break down what I do and also you should manage time better where you can. You don't need to do all of those everyday. Do things like bulk cook. So you're not cooking every day. Hubby could at least do dishes and take dog for an evening pee on his k ackard days.

Joe Long has he been doing the job? You think he'd be used to the long hours by now.

If he's home for 6 and up at 4 then that's ten hours. How many of those is he sleeping? I'd expect him to come in and eat, clean up after himself, if you and the kids haven't eaten then to also put something on for you. Put a load of washing in or do some washing up etc.
I probably wouldn't expect him to be doing after school runs etc as I'd expect him to be winding down to bed by 8

What happens on hsi three days off?

He’s possibly not suited to shift work-I work days and I feel my life has gone on hold outside of the house and kids, maybe he’s gone one further and is sleepwalking from shift to shift? I see peoples pov but given that he works the hours he does I’d say neither of you are being unreasonable. Hope you both get sorted op, you sound like you could do with a break!!!

You should have equal leisure time and sleeping/in bed hours. Write it all down and see what the balance actually is.

Do you each have a day off during the week if you both work 4 days? I'd set half the life admin for each of you to do on those respective days. The rest of it, kids classes etc is unfortunately just part and parcel - you're both equally tired being out of the house for 10-12 hours a day. It shouldn't be a competition on who's more tired.

Thanks everyone for your responses so far - totally agree about time management so I can try and work on that, and yeah the kids classes are too late for him really so they do land on me. As for household jobs/laundry there just seems to be stuff to do constantly, I often do housework/laundry on my "day off" but once a week doesn't keep on top really. Just to clarify, we both get a weekday off and the weekends off, our weekday off is not the same.

Are the days off spread out? Like him on Monday and you on Friday? Even if not, he can do half the laundry one day and you do the other half the other day so it's spread out. And the meal prep etc.

I did shift work for 2 years and couldn't stick it out for various reasons. 12 hours, 4 on- 4 off. 2 days 2 nights. It was the nights mainly that killed me. It was knackering but if he's doing 4 days that isn't too bad. I appreciate 4am is an early start though. Maybe on his days off he could muck in to help out a bit more and you could compromise that way? That way you get more free time.

You both having one week day off and the weekend sounds enough to get on top of things to me. Make sure you both have your set chores yo do on your week day off to make sure you are really organised then work as a team at the weekend.

In term time DH works 8-7 in school (apart from one day when it’s 7am-11pm) and Saturday mornings (boarding school), plus emails for an hour or two each evening. He does what he can but the bulk falls to me (flip side is holidays where it’s all on him including all childcare). Things we have done to make this work as I work FT (8-6 if in the office, 9-6 if WFH):

• online shopping, comes Monday or Tuesday night, one of us does a top up on Saturday for bread, Sunday roast etc


• milk delivery (pricey but saves other trips to shops)


• childminder feeds DSs (we provide food for her to cook)


• load of laundry on overnight where needed, timed to finish about 7am, I hang it out before work


• dishwasher is something I deal with whilst cooking supper for DH and I


• suppers are usually some form of prepared main, carb and a couple of veg during the week (although I will cook double of eg bolognaise and shove that in the freezer too sometimes


• cleaner (again, I know that’s out of reach for some)


• if DH is out then DSs (6 and 9) know the drill…bath, milk, I read to DS2 and brush his teeth whilst DS1 sorts himself out and reads to himself for a bit. If they’re very efficient I’ll read to DS1 but he’s old enough to accept I can’t always.


• Bed is 8 (DS1 is usually awake before 6 whatever time he goes to bed) and I cook next, so DH and I eat around 8:45


• anything like bed changing happens at the weekend and I will either do it when DSs are playing nicely or commandeer one or both to help


• I have a whiteboard and anything I am not going to do instantly goes into that and I try to do a few a week (eg printing photos for DSs’ photo albums has been there for a couple of months because it’s neither important nor urgent but I’d like to do it, buying DM a birthday present and card was there for a week until I had headspace for it).

Would any of those work?

Practically, what are you looking for from him? What do you want him to take responsibility for? Or do you just want him to sympathise that you’re tired too?

I've worked shifts for years and can't do anything between back to back shifts. Night shift is a bit easier for me because I never sleep as long so I would be find to get the kids by pick up time. Also when you work shifts you are obsessed about getting to sleep by x time.

So if your situation was me and my DH there's no way I could take on kids classes which seem to run late then be rushing about getting tea and things. I would do a supermarket order to come on Sunday (when you are both home), he's home and can easy make tea for the family, plus put on and sort 1 load of washing. Then you take the kids to classes and do bedtime. The major benefit of shift work is that you work less days so on his day off he does school run with the dog, then goes home and goes back to bed to chill for a couple hours. So 4 days a week you are the more hands on parent and 3 days a week he is.

To be honest, if he just tried to listen and understand I'd appreciate it, but he really doesn't!!! He thinks I have it so easy just because I don't start work until 9!! It's hard to talk to him about it cos he just doesn't get it (or doesn't try to) and we end up arguing, again!

It's hard to talk to him about it cos he just doesn't get it (or doesn't try to) and we end up arguing, again!

OK, so given he’s not going to give you sympathy when you talk about it, your choices are to either a) stop mentioning it at all, seethe with resentment or b) ask for practical adjustments he can help with without mentioning your tiredness.

What practically can he do to help with your sense of tiredness/overwhelm?

In this situation where people won't listen or see things from your POV I show them in a way that you cannot deny/argue.

You could get up at 4am, do the things you usually do after 7-8pm, then go to bed at that time yourself. He should see how much less you get done and won't be able to say "I've been up since 4am" if you have too. It's extreme but for people who are really determined not to empathise ots the only way to force them to see.

Today, as an example, I was up at 7 to get the kids to school, then I walked the dog, went to work 9-5, went straight to the supermarket from work, then straight to child's class until 8pm, then to the pharmacy, then home, cooked tea at 8:45pm, (just egg on toast cos it's so late) sat down at 9:10pm to eat and now I'm writing this. I've still got to tidy up/dishwasher etc, put the kids to bed and walk the dog again. I'm knackered and it's only Monday! Husband has been in bed since about 8.

So, for example could he have cooked a tea, sorted an online supermarket delivery to arrive & put that away, done the evening dog walk?

I’ve genuinely never understood why people who are so busy have dogs? You sound like you resent walking them twice a day, you could use that time to rest/do jobs.

It sounds like she resents her lazy husband more than her dogs

Aww no, I don't resent my doggy I don't mean it to come across like that, he's lovely and we chose to get him ❤️

I do indeed 🤣

I know how you feel OP. My DH works from 10am-10pm 5 days a week. I work part time (my shifts change weekly though one week I will work 1 day at 4 hours then the next do 5 8 hour days) I do everything for the kids, school runs, extra curricular classes etc, my DH doesn't drive, so I do all the driving, taking him to work, doctors appointments, hospital appointments, shopping, cleaning everything and he doesn't seem to do anything. He will occasionally do some pots, he is supposed to get the kids dressed in a morning whilst I sort everything else, but he keeps putting our youngest in clothes too big for him and our oldest in clothes too small for her. I keep getting so run down I get either boils on my face or massive angry ulcers and having panic attacks because I am just so overwhelmed.
I have no really advice for you OP as I am still trying to work out my own DH problem, just wanted to stand in solidarity with you.

OP, I haven't RTFT but in your shoes I'd list everything you do in a day for the family and list times from the minute you get up (yet another task for you to consider which you could well do without, I know) to the minute you go to bed. List also your break/rest times and describe whether you did actually get a brief break in that time (or did you use your 15 minute coffee break to fold clean laundry, for example?).

Do it for a few days, particularly weekdays when you are working and the kids have school and other activities.

Show your husband just how much you need to fit into each day to keep the family going. I don't know how you're doing financially but suggesting to your husband that one of you drops your hours at work to fit in everything else may make him rethink this. If that's a no-go, suggest he pay a cleaner to help keep on top of domestic chores.

Are your children old enough go help round the house a bit?

So many parents are relentlessly working and trying to hold their family together at the same time. There are only 24 hours in a day. Tasks NEED to be shared. Can you give him one or two of the simpler/quicker tasks every day to take a tiny bit of pressure off yourself?

I get he is working long hours and having very early starts but it doesn't mean he doesn't have a responsibility to his wife and children. He really needs to find a compromise here and step up.