AIBU to think that I could be tired too!!??

[Regina Falange]

My husband and I have got a really off balance work/home life and I'm stuck with what to do about it. Basically, he works 12 hour shifts from 5-5 so is up at 4am four times a week. I work 9-5:30, also four times a week.

Because he has such an early start he is, understandably, knackered by the time he gets home and his bedtime has become 8-9pm. I totally get this and I could NOT do it, I'd be ruined after one shift so I fully appreciate his work is hard and tiring.

BUT!!!! Because of this, literally everything else falls to me: school runs, dog walks, my own job, after school activities (which are 4 times a week), cooking, housework, food shopping, laundry.... You get the picture!

Today, as an example, I was up at 7 to get the kids to school, then I walked the dog, went to work 9-5, went straight to the supermarket from work, then straight to child's class until 8pm, then to the pharmacy, then home, cooked tea at 8:45pm, (just egg on toast cos it's so late) sat down at 9:10pm to eat and now I'm writing this. I've still got to tidy up/dishwasher etc, put the kids to bed and walk the dog again. I'm knackered and it's only Monday! Husband has been in bed since about 8.

Whenever I try and raise it with him, that I have too much on my plate and I'm not managing because it's exhausting he just plays the "well I've been up since 4am" card and it turns into almost a competition over who's more tired!! What do I do?? How can I make him see that I appreciate what he does is really hard and tiring but I want him to understand what I do too, and that it's not easy! We end up arguing whenever I say anything 😭

Thanks so much. I think I will do this list, it might finally make him realise what I do!! He earns much better money than I do and is in a good job so dropping any hours wouldn't be an option, but now I've written it on here it does seem like we should have time to be on top of things having a day off in the week each. I guess sometimes I'm exhausted by my day off so I use it to rest which doesn't help me the rest of the week!!

Have you told him you are not looking for him to take it all on? But actually some emotional support - acknowledgement/sympathy - is the first point.

Then to work as a team to work out what would help both of you have a better work/life balance. It may mean you both agree that Saturday mornings are laundry hours/online shop days (or whatever) but if it means you reduce the resent-building reliance on your working days being extended by chores.

(And yes - online shopping/overnight laundry)

And also think - are you trying to squeeze too much into your working days (supermarket shop....why then!!??!) to allow you to have "free" time on your day off/weekend. But all that does is make you tired/crankly/stressed as you are trying to fit too much in?

Can you (both - not just you) instead accept your days off = an hour or two chores to then make your shared weekends free of chores.

From your OP - supermarket shop do online. Any extra bits he can pick up on the way home from work. Pharmacy - ditto - these should fall to him if possible.
Or if easier, surely he can walk the dog when he gets in every night - that is one less thing for you to have as mental load?

Online shop - could you sort that on your phone once week whilst one of the children are at a class (sitting by the side of the pool).

Is a cleaner an option? Even if fortnightly?

Are you children doing too many after school activities? Can you car-share with another parent so you drop off/friend picks up? Do you have to stay at the activity - or can you take the dog in the car and walk the dog whilst the children do scouts/swim whatever?

What can your children do to help? How old are they? My DC from end of primary were loading/unloading the dishwasher and emptying the bins.

If he goes to bed at 8 and up at 4, that's the equivalent to 10-6 which is very normal. I think he could do less on his shift days but it takes 5 minutes to unload the dishwasher for e.g., but he should be doing a decent amount on his days off. And get a cleaner to take some of the load off?

I currently work 12 hour shifts.

I dont really do any housework on the days I work.

But I obviously do housework and parenting on my days off.

So why are you doing it all when your oh has 3 days off a week?

Why isn't he walking the dogs and doing what needs to be done on those days?

My dh has worked shifts (7-7, 2 days , 2 nights plus a 1 hr commute). It was awful and terrible for family life but he would still come home and tidy up, stack dishwasher, put a wash one, mow lawn in summer. Coming off a night shift he took dc to school then went to bed and then picked them up at 3, tidied up until I got home. Your dh needs to step up and recognise that you're tired and busy too. I do agree with others though that you both need to manage time better with a weekday off each that's enough to shop, meal plan (batch cook), catch up on laundry and keep on top of house.

if he goes to bed at 8 and up at 4, that's the equivalent to 10-6 which is very normal.
Except his body is surely messed up because it’s not a normal time to be getting out of bed?!

We usually wake about 4:30 here, it's really not abnormal enough to mess you up.

I think both of you need to share the heavy work that can be done fully on each of your weekdays off.

Blasting through the laundry, doing the weekly shop, bed changes etc.

Is he doing anything on his day off thay contributes to family life?

I understand he is knackered getting up at that time, but what is he doing between when he gets home and when he goes to bed?

Surely he could do something within that time - taking the dog out every day at the very least, then you wouldn't have to do that at 10pm, which tbh is probably a bit pointless for the dog anyway?

I'd expect him to do a dog walk and the supermarket (presumably once a week), at the least.

I get up about 5 each day, I work 12 hour days and I usually get in a little bit of housework on my working days. getting up early isn’t an excuse to do zilch during your time off.

My DH does his share of housework as do I.

If that’s your natural waking time that’s one thing, but for most people it’s definitely not. I’ll have to get up at 5am tomorrow to get a early train and won’t get home until 8pm. I know it will throw me out for the whole week.

It never used to be our waking time, and on days off we don't wake that early, so I wouldn't say it's our natural waking time. But when you're in a routine because you have to do it regularly for work, you do just adjust. Especially if you're making sure you get to bed in time to get a full night's sleep.

Having to do it as a one off if I wasn't used to it, would probably throw me too.

Op, don't make the list. Unless he's incredibly thick, I guarantee he knows how much you do. He either just thinks it's your job to sort as the woman, or he just can't be fucked doing it himself and is happy for you to run yourself ragged carrying it all.

It's time for a serious conversation where you tell him he either pulls his weight or ships out. He is contributing nothing to your family other than money. You are not acting as a team. You cannot go on like this, so for the sake of the relationship he either finds a way to step up or he's out.