Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go mad and say something?

47 replies

MmmMamm · 27/06/2022 14:46

Don’t want to go into too much detail here, but a friend is dealing with a very unhinged ex, constant lies about everything, vile emails and quite frankly very scary behaviour.

She has been dealing with it very well and obviously confides in me, which he doesn’t like as he believes I am the one who was/is instrumental In their breakup and the subsequent lack of her wanting to reconcile.
It definitely couldn’t have been his verbal and physical abuse that ended the relationship! 🙄

This isn’t the first time he has said stuff about me, he’s previously called me a whore and other stuff which resulted in a fight between him and my exdp, who is his brother who I haven’t been in a relationship with for 8+ years, but we have dc so obviously have contact.
Anyway, both my friend and I usually ignore him and let him get on with things, however he has sent and email today slagging me off again, now saying I’m sleeping with my ex and that because I helped him with finding somewhere to live that were all conspiring against her.

Now as I said I usually let these things go, but I’ve had enough. She has asked me not to say anything as I am fairly vocal and know he will shut up if I say something, but then I know it will likely be worse for my friend, but just who does he think he is, as it’s now causing issues with my ex and I who both have new partners.

Myself and my ex have come a very long way and are good friends, as are our partners Even though for many years we were at loggerheads and I think he is very jealous as my friend won’t help him.

what do I do?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/06/2022 14:50

You turn your back on the drama and anybody who pulls you into it.

Unless you enjoy it? It's not school.

SoftwareDev · 27/06/2022 14:53

I had abusive emails before from my partner's ex (whom I had never met or had any dealings with nor was I the "other" woman - we met after they divorced).

Anyways, I'm a bit of a zero tolerance bitch so I sent her a politely worded response explaining that I was not willing to engage in communication with her and if I received any further messages from her that they would all be forwarded to my solicitor who would act on my behalf. Never heard a peep from her again and that was years ago. She did however tell my partner that I was "obviously a bulldog" which makes me laugh.

Original poster
MmmMamm · 27/06/2022 14:54

Watchkeys · 27/06/2022 14:50

You turn your back on the drama and anybody who pulls you into it.

Unless you enjoy it? It's not school.

What exactly is there to enjoy?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/06/2022 14:55

Presumably nothing, @MmmMamm , so walk away. Certainly it doesn't sound like fun, so I can't imagine why you feel obliged to engage.

Original poster
MmmMamm · 27/06/2022 14:58

We’ll I’m not turning my back on my friend or the relationship we have built over many years.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 27/06/2022 15:00

You can either continue to ignore the drama, then, or you can choose to become a part of it.

TeapotTitties · 27/06/2022 15:05

Just block all forms of communication with the ex and stop entertaining it.

CrotchetyQuaver · 27/06/2022 15:08

I think I would consider forwarding that to your ex (as it's his brother) and ask him to have a word...

Chamomiltea · 27/06/2022 15:09

He’s just looking for a reaction, don’t give him the satisfaction! Any attention is better than no attention for some people :-/

10HailMarys · 27/06/2022 15:11

Block his number, his email address and his social media accounts and ignore any further attempts from him to stir things.If it continues, both you and your friend need to keep a record of his harassment so far and if it doesn't stop, go to the police.

There is nothing to say to him. You know he's lying and so does everyone else - including him. You're all fuelling the fire here by engaging with his bullshit.

10HailMarys · 27/06/2022 15:12

Also, who is he emailing? You? Your friend? If he's emailing your friend slagging you off, she really needs to stop telling you about it and dragging you into the drama.

Original poster
MmmMamm · 27/06/2022 15:24

10HailMarys · 27/06/2022 15:12

Also, who is he emailing? You? Your friend? If he's emailing your friend slagging you off, she really needs to stop telling you about it and dragging you into the drama.

It’s all to her, I have zero contact with him unless I happen to see him when taking my dc to their Dgm.

She isn’t dragging me into anything, he is
In the 15 years I have known him we have barely spoken, he and my ex no longer speak either so I know he isn’t going back and talking to him about anything.

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 27/06/2022 15:26

MmmMamm · 27/06/2022 15:24

It’s all to her, I have zero contact with him unless I happen to see him when taking my dc to their Dgm.

She isn’t dragging me into anything, he is
In the 15 years I have known him we have barely spoken, he and my ex no longer speak either so I know he isn’t going back and talking to him about anything.

Show quote history

She's dragging you right into the drama by telling you these things.

If she truly didn't want to involve you or wind you up, she'd keep it shut.

Watchkeys · 27/06/2022 15:29

She isn’t dragging me into anything, he is

You wouldn't know he existed if she didn't tell you, though.

Whenever she starts telling you what he's said, tell her you're not interested in hearing it. I'm sure you've plenty else to talk about, if you're such great mates, and she'll understand that hearing his crap isn't making your life better, if she cares about you.

Justcallmebebes · 27/06/2022 15:35

It’s all to her, I have zero contact with him unless I happen to see him when taking my dc to their Dgm.
She isn’t dragging me into anything, he is
In the 15 years I have known him we have barely spoken, he and my ex no longer speak either so I know he isn’t going back and talking to him about anything.

If he's not in contact with you or your ex why are you getting involved? He's a twat. It does sound as though you're leaping into the fray when it's not your circus. Just ignore him

PansyPetunia · 27/06/2022 15:38

It's almost as if you are wanting the involvement

That's how your posts read

Otherwise you'd be doing what pretty much every poster here has said and turning your back on it all and ignoring

Thelnebriati · 27/06/2022 15:39

Women should never discuss their friends with their abusive partner/ex. Its disloyal, and it drags them into the drama.
Tell your friend to stop discussing you with him, and to stop passing on messages from him.

FabFitFifties · 27/06/2022 15:42

Your friend could share info, looking for support, without mentioning what he says about you. Tell her you aren't interested what he says about you. Job done. Especially if he doesn't speak to your ex. No one needs to know who he prattles on about except your friend. Don't share this with your ex, then no one will be any the wiser, and he's wasting his time.

11Hawkins · 27/06/2022 15:51

When she brings it up "Susan we're not talking about it, I don't care." Simple really.

Original poster
MmmMamm · 27/06/2022 16:09

Look as I said I generally ignore what he has to say and believe me he has plenty to say and very often and my normal response is to tell him to Fuck off!

She rarely tells me what he’s said, but again we are all in a very small circle we each know each other’s friends and have grown up together, so it isn’t just her I’m hearing things from.

She doesn’t even speak to him herself, the only contact they have is via email as they have dc, so he takes advantage of that.

And just because I am not willing to walk away from someone who is a close friend and is being mentally abused, does not mean that I enjoy the drama, if I did that I would be effectively not have any relationship with my nephews and my own dc wouldn’t see their cousins.
I don’t know what type of friendships you all have, but I don’t turn my back on people when they are at their lowest just because a man cannot keep his tongue in his mouth.

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 27/06/2022 16:14

And just because I am not willing to walk away from someone who is a close friend and is being mentally abused, does not mean that I enjoy the drama

Not telling her (and the others) that you're not interested in what he has to say, kind of points to you enjoying the drama.

Tell them to stop winding you up with it and if they're true friends, they'll respect that.

SunshineAndFizz · 27/06/2022 16:23

Best bit of advice someone gave me is; always think about what you want the outcome to be, don't just say the thing you want to get off your chest.

Will you telling him your thoughts give you the outcome you want? Will it help anything? Or is it just a release of your emotions - what's the likely outcome of you ranting at him? It might make you feel better for 5 mins but overall not help the situation.

Watchkeys · 27/06/2022 16:27

I don’t know what type of friendships you all have, but I don’t turn my back on people when they are at their lowest just because a man cannot keep his tongue in his mouth

Now you're creating drama on your own thread. Nobody is suggesting you do this.

Cut short any conversation where somebody tries to tell you about what he's said. That's all you have to do. Tell them you're not interested in hearing what he has to say. It's quite simple, and I imagine that quite a lot of PP's on the thread who are telling you similar have very good, boundaried, respectful friendships, because they already do this.

The problem isn't that a man can't keep his tongue in his mouth. We've all had people say unpleasant things about us. The problem is that you listen.

Original poster
MmmMamm · 27/06/2022 16:42

Watchkeys · 27/06/2022 16:27

I don’t know what type of friendships you all have, but I don’t turn my back on people when they are at their lowest just because a man cannot keep his tongue in his mouth

Now you're creating drama on your own thread. Nobody is suggesting you do this.

Cut short any conversation where somebody tries to tell you about what he's said. That's all you have to do. Tell them you're not interested in hearing what he has to say. It's quite simple, and I imagine that quite a lot of PP's on the thread who are telling you similar have very good, boundaried, respectful friendships, because they already do this.

The problem isn't that a man can't keep his tongue in his mouth. We've all had people say unpleasant things about us. The problem is that you listen.

You actually to walk away from anyone who pulls me into their drama, so I’m hardly creating my own drama in here.

Thank you for your advice anyway.

OP posts:
CallOnMe · 27/06/2022 16:48

You and your friend just need to ignore him.

He’s saying these things because he wants a reaction - don’t play his games.