To go mad and say something?

[MmmMamm]

Don’t want to go into too much detail here, but a friend is dealing with a very unhinged ex, constant lies about everything, vile emails and quite frankly very scary behaviour.

She has been dealing with it very well and obviously confides in me, which he doesn’t like as he believes I am the one who was/is instrumental In their breakup and the subsequent lack of her wanting to reconcile.
It definitely couldn’t have been his verbal and physical abuse that ended the relationship! 🙄

This isn’t the first time he has said stuff about me, he’s previously called me a whore and other stuff which resulted in a fight between him and my exdp, who is his brother who I haven’t been in a relationship with for 8+ years, but we have dc so obviously have contact.
Anyway, both my friend and I usually ignore him and let him get on with things, however he has sent and email today slagging me off again, now saying I’m sleeping with my ex and that because I helped him with finding somewhere to live that were all conspiring against her.

Now as I said I usually let these things go, but I’ve had enough. She has asked me not to say anything as I am fairly vocal and know he will shut up if I say something, but then I know it will likely be worse for my friend, but just who does he think he is, as it’s now causing issues with my ex and I who both have new partners.

Myself and my ex have come a very long way and are good friends, as are our partners Even though for many years we were at loggerheads and I think he is very jealous as my friend won’t help him.

what do I do?

This guy is emailing your friend, so the person causing problems with your partner and your exs partner is either 1) your friend telling them too, or 2) you telling them. Your friend needs to accept you are going to say something to this guy, or not tell you stuff.

Your friend needs to block this guy and stop shit stirring between you and this guy basically, either she’s loving the drama of it,
or you are. So tell her straight, don’t tell me unless you want me to say something to him.

None of us are telling our partners, as I said above we have a small set of friends and he goes around spouting crap to everyone.

This is the only thing he says, there is so much more and I agree it is a lot of drama, but sometimes you get to a point where you’ve had enough.

You can be there for your friend without replying to her batshit ex? Ignore him, support her - it’s not hard.

There's no need for you to be involved or communicate with him in any way. You know he's nuts, your friend knows, presumably your ex and your new respective partners and everyone in your friendship group knows as well.

Just tell your friend to stop bending your ear with what he says about you.

Suggesting that other people must have inferior friendships just because you don't like the advice is definitely creating drama. Nobody else is complaining about their friendships: you are.

The only advice with drama is to ignore it. You might not like that, but it is the case. You're not responsible or in charge of what anybody else says or does. You are responsible and in charge of what you decide to do about it. It's basic adulting, and very simple. You might not like it, but you asked for advice and pretty much everyone is saying the same thing.

sometimes you get to a point where you’ve had enough.

Do you really think that you going mad is going to stop him?
If anything it’s going to make him worse as he knows it’s getting to you.

Ignore him, a reaction will just feed his need for attention. Block on every channel and suggest your friend does the same.

I see, you said however he has sent and email today slagging me off again, now saying I’m sleeping with my ex and that because I helped him with finding somewhere to live that were all conspiring against her. Which is what suggested someone had to be telling your partner. My point still stands though, if your friend is going to carry on telling you this stuff she needs to accept you are going to say something. Why would she tell you about him saying you're sleeping with your ex in an email, other than to wind you up, if she doesn’t want you to say anything.

Personally I think you and your close circle of friends need to close ranks and block and ignore the guy, stop telling eachother about this stuff because you are all buffing up the drama. Pretty quickly he will either go away, or youl have a solid case for the police for harassment, whereas right now youd all just sound like a bunch of school kids.

Where did I complain about my friendship?

I can absolutely take advice and will gladly receive it, however what I won’t do is have anybody accuse me of “loving drama” because I won’t walk away from a friendship, if it was her saying this stuff about me then i would walk away.

I haven’t gone into exact details on this thread of all the things that have been said or done over the years, and how much both of us have put up with and the exact incident that led to their breakup.

Maybe I’m really not explaining myself very clearly and that is because I do not want to put to much detail to be outing.

He is manipulative and horrible, although we are in a group of friends he is a loner, mainly because he talks so much rubbish he has fallen out with most of not all of his family and honestly it’s quite concerning the things that he actually says.

We’re also not a bunch of school kids sat around gossiping, my friend actually called again in tears because she has had enough, the woman is a shadow of herself.
He has got into her head so much over the years and she is trying to break free from all the crap he has put her through, so her telling me what he said wasn’t because she is shit stirring, it’s because of what he’s said trying to make out that we’re all trying to stop her from being happy, by lying to her and doing stuff behind her back.

He is trying to alienate her from everyone in the hopes she goes back to him.

Nobody has told you to walk away from this friendship, they’ve told you to cut out the drama by walking away from this guys crap basically, by not allowing your friend to tell you what he’s saying about you, therefore creating more drama. Not walk away from friend, walk away from drama by saying to friend ‘I don’t want to hear what this guy is saying about me’. You can still hear the rest of her struggles with him, but she doesn’t need to keep dragging you down by telling you the mean stuff he’s saying about you, that isn’t helping either of you it’s just feeding his drama machine.

But instead you’ve misinterpreted this as people here telling you to walk away from your friend, and are ignoring perfectly good advice to make your point that you aren’t walking away from your friend. Which is pretty dramatic in itself really.

No additional details are needed about this guy, having a go at him won’t make any difference, you need to cut him out not join in.

He is trying to alienate her from everyone in the hopes she goes back to him.

Im sure he is, so don’t feed into it. It’s very obvious really, he makes up lies about you to your friend, your friend tells you but asks you not to say anything to him, you say something to him anyway and he is delighted because he’s an asshole, and your friend is annoyed that you’ve made it worse for her by saying something to him. Therefore friend is one step further from you and closer to alienation. So just… don’t.

Why do you insist on saying people are telling you to walk away from the friendship OP?

It's most odd.

Absolute silence is what you do OP, there is nothing more annoying to a drama seeking knob head (her ex) than absolute silence.

I think there's a potential misunderstanding. "Drama" or toxicity does sum up this situation really well, but people engage in it for a whole host of reasons, some enjoy it but not all. I believe you that you don't, but it's created an itch in you that you feel compelled to scratch, and this is what purple are talking about here.

Whether you do or don't respond matters not a jolt to the mn massive, but in answer to your question we also think responding is not a good idea. Cool your jets, continuing being there to support your friend, grey rock him.

Why do you want to respond to him? Surely ignoring him is much more effective?

He's her ex, why isn't she ignoring him.
Who could even be bothered with an ex, specially one like him.
Tell your small circle of friends that you're not interested whenever they mention him too.
You all sound about fourteen!

No-one is telling you to not be friends with her. But tell her you don't want to hear what he says about you. Same to anyone else who reports back.

That's what people mean about turning your back on the drama. Your friend isn't the drama, the gossip is. You don't want to know.

Though your insistence to misinterpret a very simple point, in order to get all get up and demonstrate your loyalty does somewhat point to you actually enjoying the drama to a degree. Perhaps to help you feel vindicated in your role as your friend's saviour.

As hard as it is, you'll have to ignore it.

When myself and my Ex seperated he told everyone all sorts of bullshit about me.

All i said to those people was 'If you believe what he says, you don't know me" and then i left it at that. As far as i was concerned, not my circus, not my monkeys.

If friends are telling you he is saying this shit about you, then just nod, laugh about how riduclous he is, smile, shrug and carry on with your day. I know its annoying, and i know its all bullshit, but reacting to it in any other way gives it credence/plausibility.

I’m not anyones saviour 😂 nor am I trying to be.

But yes, thanks again for everyone’s advice.