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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if IBU! (pregnancy chat related)

42 replies

bikinibottom24 · 27/06/2022 13:48

I recently had to have a hysterectomy, well around two months ago. I am early 30's. This was due to blocked tubes, swelling of both ovaries and a likely hood I'd develop cancer due to the BRCA gene. I was, and am still sad. I am open to the idea of adopting and I've frozen my eggs, so I know I have options.

Today I returned to work. I work in a mostly team of women of varying ages between 25-60. All lovely women, and team is very friendly. We had a morning meeting and it was sort a dedicated time to welcome me back and just have a general coffee and a chat.

I was asked a lot of questions about my operation, my plans, how I'm feeling and how I feel on my return- all open questions I was happy to answer. We got on the subject of egg freezing, and I said oh yes, I had it done but i'm optimistic for the future etc.

Then, a colleague who is around my age turned and said ''Oh, I think this is a good time to tell you all that I'm actually pregnant and due in January, I was going to wait until later but why we are on the topic''

Now, I'm not funny about other people having babies. My SIL is pregnant, as is my best friend and I am so excited and delighted for them. I accept my route will be a bit different now. All ok.

However, I do feel a little upset that my colleague decided to announce hers right in the middle of a chat about my hysterectomy (that I didn't want). I don't know, it's bothered me all morning and I'm not sure if i'm being melodramtic.

OP posts:
MrsB902 · 27/06/2022 13:52

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult time recently, this sounds incredibly tough but it sounds like you are being very positive.

I think your colleague sounds very insensitive. If I were in her shoes and had planned beforehand to announce my pregnancy at the meeting I would have changed those plans due to feeling it may have the potential to upset you.

How did the rest of your colleagues react to her announcement?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/06/2022 13:52

Wow, no you’re not being dramatic all. She couldn’t have been more insensitive or tone deaf. That must have been awful for you, I’m sorry.

Hope your physical recovery is going well, you’ve been through a lot.

HappyCup · 27/06/2022 13:55

That’s awful!! She couldn’t have chosen a worse time.

I’m so sorry OP, she clearly didn’t grasp the situation at all.

Original poster
bikinibottom24 · 27/06/2022 13:58

We have two meetings a week, they only had one on Friday and the next one is this Friday so I think it could’ve waited. It does just feel deliberate to me and that’s what I can’t get pass.

OP posts:
babyjellyfish · 27/06/2022 14:06

You're not being melodramatic.

I think that people suffering from infertility and pregnancy loss need to accept that there will be babies around, and pregnant women, and women talking about their babies and their pregnancies. You can't expect the world to shelter you from it.

But the timing and circumstances of her announcement were really inappropriate and insensitive. I can't believe anyone would think that was a good time to announce their pregnancy. She can't even claim not to have known what you're going through because your hysterectomy was literally the topic of discussion.

HappyCup · 27/06/2022 14:08

It does just feel deliberate to me and that’s what I can’t get pass.
Would you feel better about it if she apologises?
If so you could bring it up with her? Just be prepared that it may do more harm than good.

katmarie · 27/06/2022 14:11

Horribly insensitive, I would be having a quiet word with her manager. Who on earth thinks that a conversation about having an hysterectomy, unwillingly, is the best place to announce a pregnancy? Awful woman.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 27/06/2022 14:13

What an eejit. I bet everyone else was thinking the same. I'd be shocked if no one mentioned it to you. You're totally justified in your feelings but I'd still not bring it up. Just be comforted in the fact everyone now knows she's a bit of a wagon.

startfresh · 27/06/2022 14:13

The way it started I thought it was going to be a "you're being a bit unreasonable but you're understandably upset"

The way it ended YANBU at all. Wtf. Who would do that during that conversation. Ffs.

Ohthatsexciting · 27/06/2022 14:14

Is it her first pregnancy?

Ohthatsexciting · 27/06/2022 14:16

I can not grasp the scenario where a woman returns from work after2 months following a hysterectomy and it is a point of general conversation with free flowing questions.

LotsaLottie · 27/06/2022 14:16

What an absolute twat she is. How insensitive. On what planet did she think that would be a good idea.

Sorry you've experienced all this OP. It all sounds very tough.

I don't think I'd bother saying anything to her, I wouldn't want to risk her saying something else insensitive as clearly she's too up her own arse to think of others. I'd just try to forget about it, maybe distance from her if you can.

I bet the rest of your team think she's an arse too!!

Irishfarmer · 27/06/2022 14:37

Really shit timing on her behalf! She either has zero tact or wanted to turn the convo onto her. Either way I'd have been like right...... if I was one of your other colleagues.

NewYorkLassie · 27/06/2022 14:42

Fuck me your colleague is thick. I really hope someone else has called her out on this. She sounds ridiculously self absorbed.

10HailMarys · 27/06/2022 14:49

Yeah, that was massively insensitive of her - really crass. I don't care if it's her first pregnancy or whether she's had an IVF journey to get there or any of that stuff; she didn't have to pick that moment to make her announcement.

Obviously perfectly OK to announce a pregnancy but to do it at that time and with 'while we're on the subject' is beyond thoughtless. She's got nine bloody months to talk about being pregnant; she did not have to tell everyone at that point. I don't think she did it out of spite as such, but she's incredibly self-absorbed and tactless. My guess is that your colleagues were also horrified.

Hope you're feeling physically recovered from your surgery, OP, and I know you will absolutely find the right way forward for you if you want to have a family in the future. You sound lovely - take care x

Discovereads · 27/06/2022 14:51

Maybe that week’s Friday morning meeting wasn’t actually dedicated to you and you alone. You’d already chatted about your hysterectomy plus Q&A, then moved on to the subject of egg freezing….so why not move on again to a pregnancy using frozen eggs?

I think you’re being a bit over sensitive tbh. Although the whole thing seems strange to me we’d never allow a work meeting to basically interrogate a colleague on their medical leave of absence in the first place.

HappyCup · 27/06/2022 15:02

Discovereads · 27/06/2022 14:51

Maybe that week’s Friday morning meeting wasn’t actually dedicated to you and you alone. You’d already chatted about your hysterectomy plus Q&A, then moved on to the subject of egg freezing….so why not move on again to a pregnancy using frozen eggs?

I think you’re being a bit over sensitive tbh. Although the whole thing seems strange to me we’d never allow a work meeting to basically interrogate a colleague on their medical leave of absence in the first place.

Wtf @Discovereads?

  1. It partly was dedicated to her.
    We had a morning meeting and it was sort a dedicated time to welcome me back

  2. Her colleagues asked her. She didn’t just bring it up.
    I was asked a lot of questions about my operation, my plans, how I'm feeling and how I feel on my return- all open questions I was happy to answer.

  3. Where have you got the information the pregnancy was from frozen eggs from? Are you the insensitive colleague?

LotsaLottie · 27/06/2022 15:10

Discovereads · 27/06/2022 14:51

Maybe that week’s Friday morning meeting wasn’t actually dedicated to you and you alone. You’d already chatted about your hysterectomy plus Q&A, then moved on to the subject of egg freezing….so why not move on again to a pregnancy using frozen eggs?

I think you’re being a bit over sensitive tbh. Although the whole thing seems strange to me we’d never allow a work meeting to basically interrogate a colleague on their medical leave of absence in the first place.

I can't believe what I've just read.

You think she's being too sensitive???

What kind of person sits and listens to a young women answering questions about her recent hysterectomy and then thinks it's an appropriate time to tell her, infront of a room full of people, that she's pregnant. You honestly have to be a cold hearted, selfish prick to think this would be acceptable.

But I also think you need to be a cold hearted, selfish prick to read OPs post and then think she's being too sensitive. Can't imagine having the gall to tell someone who has gone through what she has that's she's "too sensitive".

CurbsideProphet · 27/06/2022 15:12

I definitely don't think that was the appropriate time for a pregnancy announcement, so YANBU. If she felt you needed to know because she had told everyone else already, she could have sent you an email after the meeting so you weren't "out of the loop".

I'm pregnant through IVF after an exceptionally difficult and sad time. I have found those who have no issues having children can have no concept of what some of us are facing and as such no idea how to approach certain topics sensitively.

Wishing you all the best 💐

couldishouldigoforit · 27/06/2022 15:14

I'm pregnant through IVF after an exceptionally difficult and sad time. I have found those who have no issues having children can have no concept of what some of us are facing and as such no idea how to approach certain topics sensitively.

This

The "blissfully ignorantly and Abundantly fertile" as I call them seem to miss all social cues when it comes to their own pregnancies.

Discovereads · 27/06/2022 15:19

@HappyCup


  1. OP says the meeting was “sort (of) a dedicated time to welcome me back” which indicates she thought it was, but perhaps not everyone else got the memo? Plus in her update she says “We have two meetings a week, they only had one on Friday and the next one is this Friday so I think it could’ve waited.” Indicating this wasn’t a special ad hoc meeting just to welcome her back but rather a welcome back done during one of the regular twice weekly staff meetings. So again, perhaps not everyone was under the impression the entire meeting was dedicated to her and her alone.

  2. Yes I know her colleagues asked the questions…and then they ran out of questions and were talking about egg freezing.

  3. I presumed the pregnancy had some link to egg freezing as the OP quoted her as saying “I was going to wait until later but why (while?) we are on the topic”

  4. No I’m not the colleague but I think it more likely that wires were crossed and as it was a regular twice weekly staff meeting the colleague probably didn’t think it was wrong to share her news as well. I think that’s a benefit of the doubt interpretation rather than the colleague being a thick, crass, twat & idiot such that a word should be had with her manager over it.

Discovereads · 27/06/2022 15:24

LotsaLottie · 27/06/2022 15:10

I can't believe what I've just read.

You think she's being too sensitive???

What kind of person sits and listens to a young women answering questions about her recent hysterectomy and then thinks it's an appropriate time to tell her, infront of a room full of people, that she's pregnant. You honestly have to be a cold hearted, selfish prick to think this would be acceptable.

But I also think you need to be a cold hearted, selfish prick to read OPs post and then think she's being too sensitive. Can't imagine having the gall to tell someone who has gone through what she has that's she's "too sensitive".

Show quote history

Cold-hearted selfish prick is what I am? Thanks for that. Lovely to know you are a font of understanding and empathy yourself.

ELM8 · 27/06/2022 15:24

Not over sensitive at all - that was really bad timing from her. I hope you're ok and recovering well.

LotsaLottie · 27/06/2022 15:31

@Discovereads what about your post called for understanding and empathy?

HappyCup · 27/06/2022 15:33

Yes I know her colleagues asked the questions…and then they ran out of questions and were talking about egg freezing
How on earth do you know they ran out of questions? You’re assuming this from nowhere.

I presumed the pregnancy had some link to egg freezing as the OP quoted her as saying “I was going to wait until later but why (while?) we are on the topic”
Again, another assumption.

No I’m not the colleague but I think it more likely that wires were crossed and as it was a regular twice weekly staff meeting the colleague probably didn’t think it was wrong to share her news as well.
I agree that it could have been taken as a ‘news sharing’ event. But given that the news was a pregnancy announcement, then piggy backing off of someone talking about how they basically now have very limited options for having children is absolutely insensitive. Can you seriously not see that?