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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend fb friends with ex but not me!!!

37 replies

KazzaN · 27/06/2022 10:18

I've been with my DP for four years.
We've had our ups and downs but love each other.
Last time we split up I deleted him off fb. When we got back together he refused to add me. He still refuses to add me. Won't tell me why.
He is however friends with his ex fiancée, whom he often calls his best friend.
They were together over 30 years ago for about 5 years, got engaged at one point then split up.
Years later they became friends again and he is godfather to her DD.
I was initially friends with her when I got together with my DP, then we fell out which suited me as I don't like her. She's incredibly sycophantic with my DP and laughs at everything he says, they go running together and he (casually!!!) mentioned he had gone for a drink with her the other day in the pub.
I don't think he's having sex with her, but it makes me very uncomfortable that they are so close given their shared history.
My friends think I'm crazy to put up with it, my daughter tells me to get a grip and that men and women are perfectly entitled to be friends.
HOWEVER being friends with her and not me on fb feels like the ultimate piss take in a long long line of (to me) piss takes!!!
AIBU??!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
KazzaN · 27/06/2022 10:33

KazzaN · 27/06/2022 10:18

I've been with my DP for four years.
We've had our ups and downs but love each other.
Last time we split up I deleted him off fb. When we got back together he refused to add me. He still refuses to add me. Won't tell me why.
He is however friends with his ex fiancée, whom he often calls his best friend.
They were together over 30 years ago for about 5 years, got engaged at one point then split up.
Years later they became friends again and he is godfather to her DD.
I was initially friends with her when I got together with my DP, then we fell out which suited me as I don't like her. She's incredibly sycophantic with my DP and laughs at everything he says, they go running together and he (casually!!!) mentioned he had gone for a drink with her the other day in the pub.
I don't think he's having sex with her, but it makes me very uncomfortable that they are so close given their shared history.
My friends think I'm crazy to put up with it, my daughter tells me to get a grip and that men and women are perfectly entitled to be friends.
HOWEVER being friends with her and not me on fb feels like the ultimate piss take in a long long line of (to me) piss takes!!!
AIBU??!?!

Bump!

OP posts:
AverageJoan · 27/06/2022 10:34

I think YABU to care so much about being fb friends, why does it matter? The two of you are in a relationship...

Is this a trust issue?

Luidaeg · 27/06/2022 10:35

You bumped after 15 minutes - if you are this needy for attention, not suprised he doesnt want you on FB

OK - nastiness aside, why are you with him? You dont sound happy?

Original poster
KazzaN · 27/06/2022 10:36

AverageJoan · 27/06/2022 10:34

I think YABU to care so much about being fb friends, why does it matter? The two of you are in a relationship...

Is this a trust issue?

More of a resentment issue tbh!

OP posts:
TeapotTitties · 27/06/2022 10:36

Last time we split up I deleted him off fb

how many times in total have you split up?

AverageJoan · 27/06/2022 10:36

Also, men and women are entitled to be friends and their shared past probably does contribute to that friendship. As long as you've no reason to believe anything more is going on between them and this problem stems simply because you don't like her then I also think YABU for disliking that they are also Facebook friends, I don't really understand what there is that you are 'putting up' with

Original poster
KazzaN · 27/06/2022 10:37

Luidaeg · 27/06/2022 10:35

You bumped after 15 minutes - if you are this needy for attention, not suprised he doesnt want you on FB

OK - nastiness aside, why are you with him? You dont sound happy?

WOW!!!!!!!!!
Fucking hell you ever heard the saying "be kind?!?!?"

OP posts:
AverageJoan · 27/06/2022 10:37

You probably need to bin him if such a small thing is causing you so much stress

RoyKentsChestHair · 27/06/2022 10:41

It seems like he’s still too close to her for comfort. I wouldn’t be happy with it either. My ex was also friends with his ex on FB and also had her photo flash up on her phone when she called. Whereas he and I weren’t FB friends and he’d deleted my photo when we’d fallen out previously and never put it back on.

It was probably a sign that the relationship wasn’t right tbh. I tried for years to be ok with a lot of things that weren’t ok, many of which involved his ex. It’s no fun feeling like second best and I’m currently trying hard to get over him.

RoyKentsChestHair · 27/06/2022 10:41

and also had her photo flash up on HIS phone when she called

loves2plan · 27/06/2022 10:42

I agree with @Luidaeg, OP I think you need to chill a bit. I don't understand the root of your problem, DP was with Ex over 30 years ago for a very short period of time in the scheme of things and now they are friends and you haven't alluded to any reason for thinking it would be more than that.

Your relationship sounds turbulent and unstable if you're so worked up about not being Facebook friends.

Luidaeg · 27/06/2022 10:51

KazzaN · 27/06/2022 10:37

WOW!!!!!!!!!
Fucking hell you ever heard the saying "be kind?!?!?"

Show quote history

Yes I have, but sometimes people need to be told things that are uncomfortable.

You may not have noticed that this behaviour is a little needy - I know personally I have needed things pointed out to me, little things I have never noticed.

Again, though, why are you with him? You're not happy

Merryclaire · 27/06/2022 10:54

If it makes you feel any better, my husband and I still haven’t acknowledged any connection to each other on Facebook! We’ve been together 13 years! But then I don’t care about Facebook and rarely go on there.

I wouldn’t be happy if I actually asked him to change his relationship status and he refused though. Smacks of not wanting other people to know you’re back together. But that might be because he’s worried you’ll break up again, rather than he’s cheating on you.

He’s had 30 years to get back together with this other woman and he hasn’t, so it doesn’t seem likely they still have feelings for each other. But that is a long friendship, so they obviously have a closeness.

If the Facebook thing is bothering you then I’d make it clear to him that he needs to connect with you on there, as it makes you feel unimportant to him, but don’t make it about his ex. I’d try to focus just on your relationship.

Do you have any male friends? If so, how does he feel about that?

My best friend of over 20 years is a man, but DH trusts me completely. But then, we never dated. Even so, 30 years is a very long time ago!

MonicaBingaling · 27/06/2022 10:58

I would not tolerate that!

Eugh get rid of him asap!

RedWingBoots · 27/06/2022 11:06

@Merryclaire I'm not a facebook friend with my own DP. Is facebook still used by anyone who isn't old?

RedWingBoots · 27/06/2022 11:08

Last time we split up I deleted him off fb.

Why would you be friends on social media with an unstable partner who will randomly delete you if you have an argument or split up?

If he wanted to go out with her and vice versa they will. So like your daughter says get a grip.

Merryclaire · 27/06/2022 11:13

RedWingBoots · 27/06/2022 11:06

@Merryclaire I'm not a facebook friend with my own DP. Is facebook still used by anyone who isn't old?

@RedWingBoots No idea! We both have accounts but rarely ever look at them. If I ever do check in I see the same people each time posting on there. I just leave mine active in case an old friend ever wants to get in touch.

WhenDovesFly · 27/06/2022 11:32

I guess the fact you've asked him to add you and he has refused would niggle me too. Does he give a reason for not adding you?

I'd also be wondering how close they're getting. The fact they're going running together and he went out for a drink with her and didn't mention it until afterwards. Probably harmless but you just never know.

Sounds like you've split up several times though. Is this relationship really working for you OP?

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 27/06/2022 11:44

my first instinct was that he didn't want her to be his ex anymore and then I read that it was 30 years ago and she has a kid (and he's the godfather)

I think this is one of those ones where you're upset over other stuff, but right now the relationship sounds super shaky but probably for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with his ex. And him unfriending her is a) unlikely and b) wouldn't help

AryaStarkWolf · 27/06/2022 11:47

I wouldn't be comfortable with the relationship he has with his ex either OP, that would be a deal breaker for me

UncaDonald · 27/06/2022 12:10

Merryclaire · 27/06/2022 10:54

If it makes you feel any better, my husband and I still haven’t acknowledged any connection to each other on Facebook! We’ve been together 13 years! But then I don’t care about Facebook and rarely go on there.

I wouldn’t be happy if I actually asked him to change his relationship status and he refused though. Smacks of not wanting other people to know you’re back together. But that might be because he’s worried you’ll break up again, rather than he’s cheating on you.

He’s had 30 years to get back together with this other woman and he hasn’t, so it doesn’t seem likely they still have feelings for each other. But that is a long friendship, so they obviously have a closeness.

If the Facebook thing is bothering you then I’d make it clear to him that he needs to connect with you on there, as it makes you feel unimportant to him, but don’t make it about his ex. I’d try to focus just on your relationship.

Do you have any male friends? If so, how does he feel about that?

My best friend of over 20 years is a man, but DH trusts me completely. But then, we never dated. Even so, 30 years is a very long time ago!

Why though? She deleted him in a strop. If being FB friends is so important to her, she shouldn't have acted like a spoiled twat.

If DP deleted me and then begged me to accept a subsequent request, I'm not sure I'd acquiesce. The
first update suggests the OP is needier than can be believed. I'd sack her off if I were him. Lifes too short to deal with arseholes who play games and demand who I'm friends with.

UncaDonald · 27/06/2022 12:11

WhenDovesFly · 27/06/2022 11:32

I guess the fact you've asked him to add you and he has refused would niggle me too. Does he give a reason for not adding you?

I'd also be wondering how close they're getting. The fact they're going running together and he went out for a drink with her and didn't mention it until afterwards. Probably harmless but you just never know.

Sounds like you've split up several times though. Is this relationship really working for you OP?

The reason is his stupid girlfriend deleted him. Plenty of reason not to add her back.

lilao · 27/06/2022 12:20

My suspicion would be that he hasn't told her you are back together.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 27/06/2022 12:30

KazzaN · 27/06/2022 10:37

WOW!!!!!!!!!
Fucking hell you ever heard the saying "be kind?!?!?"

Show quote history

They have a point. You don't need to bump a thread after 15 mins. You need to calm down.

The relationship sounds a bit shit though so not sure why you are bothered. Dump him, find someone without baggage he won't get rid of for whatever reason.

Philisophigal · 27/06/2022 12:31

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