I’ve NC for this. My Dsil did give permission for me to post but I don’t want my posting history to show. I’m sorry if it ends up long I don’t want to drip feed.
TL;DR version - AIBU in thinking that pretending to be a child to talk to your child’s friend online is something that ought to be reported to police whether it’s a friend’s mum or dad doing so?
long version-
My DNiece was 13 when this happened but it’s been playing on my mind since it happened last year and as my Dsil and I disagree on how she dealt with it, we agreed to ask MN’s opinion.
My DN’s school friends mum had been messaging DN on snap pretending to be her 12 year old daughter (A) to try to find out what A was up to at school and with friends. It just so happened this one time my DN and DSil were at an appointment in school time that As mum got caught out. DN asked who she thought was A, why she was messaging her during class time and screenshotting her response. Eventually A’s mum revealed it was her messaging and told DN she was entitled to read her daughters Snapchat. DN was relaying all this to Dsil as it happened and asked A’s mum to phone Dsil. A’s mum then phoned immediately in a panic and was justifying her behaviour as worrying at how she didn’t know what was going on in A’s life and wanted to know. Dsil said she shouldn’t have done it that way but essentially had to in her words ‘de-escalate a situation with someone who sounded seriously unstable and manic.’ Dsil kept said she kept it civil and that A’s mum later text to thank Dsil for their ‘chat’ that afternoon.
Dsil waited until the next day to be less angry before replying to A’s mum basically saying while it’s ok to check your child’s socials and messages, she wasn’t happy with A’s mum pretending to be A in messages to DN and that she wasn’t to ever contact or approach DN again without her permission. DN had to block A on Socials as DSil didn’t trust it was always A DN would be talking to but they could still talk at school.
The friends mum didn’t think she’d done anything wrong and told the other school mums Dsil had accused her of grooming DN when she was simply checking A’s messages.
I think Dsil ought to have gone to the police about this. A’s mum was pretending to be a child to message an unsuspecting child and we have no idea how often or for how long A’s mum had been doing this. DN doesn’t know when she was talking to her 12 year old friend and when she was talking to the adult mother, but later did say sometimes A seemed to write in text speak and other times she didn’t.
Dsil thinks sending the message telling the woman to stay away and that she wasn’t happy about her behaviour is enough and that the police didn’t need to be involved.
If that had been A’s dad messaging DN, dsil agrees they would probably have seen more red flags and probably have treated the situation more seriously but I don’t see it being any different whether it’s an adult woman or man pretending they’re a child to talk to another child without revealing who they are in advance.
AIBU in thinking that pretending to be a child to talk to your child’s friend online is something that ought to be reported to police whether it’s a friend’s mum or dad doing so?
YABU - the mum was just checking her daughters social media activity and it’s perfectly innocent. An angry text was an appropriate response
YANBU - innocent or not that kind of devious behaviour needs to be flagged up to authorities.