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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say kick out the adult kid?

33 replies

Mememene · 26/06/2022 20:26

I have a couple of major issues in my relationship and have walked away, this is really to question my actions.

If you were scared of your partner's adult son (in his 30s), with good reason, he has form for abusing women and your partner let him move in, was it unreasonable for me to move out? I tried to make it work but after a couple of months I couldn't tolerate it any more and left.

I know we should always support our kids, and I should admire my partner for supporting his son, but sometimes they don't deserve it, I have no time for men who hit women (and visa versa for that matter) he scares me. I tried to make it work with the three of us there but after one vile incident, where my partner sided with his son, I packed my stuff and went home.

His son decides when he comes and goes so I have to "visit" my partner when his son is out. I'm in my 50's not a 16 year old and couldn't tolerate being treated like that by my partner.

Luckily even after living together I had the freedom of just returning to my place. My partner refuses to ask his son to leave, I think he is scared of him, I am too but he denies this. He has attacked his Dad before. BUT AIBU to have left them to get on with it. My partner wants me back but it's not an option when his son is living there.

There is another thread that's dealt with the other issue which seems pretty much insurmountable.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2022 20:30

Well you’re not asking him to kick his son out are you? You’re asking if you were right to leave. You obviously were. Knowing what he was like I’d have gone straight away rather than waiting 3 months but you gave it a shot then sensibly left when you realised you were right. Was your 16 year old living there as well? If so you shouldn’t have put them through living with an abusive adult twice their age.

MummaTrinee · 26/06/2022 20:33

No, you're not at all BU. You have to feel comfortable and safe when you are 'home' and you were not, so you were right to leave.

Original poster
Mememene · 26/06/2022 20:35

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2022 20:30

Well you’re not asking him to kick his son out are you? You’re asking if you were right to leave. You obviously were. Knowing what he was like I’d have gone straight away rather than waiting 3 months but you gave it a shot then sensibly left when you realised you were right. Was your 16 year old living there as well? If so you shouldn’t have put them through living with an abusive adult twice their age.

Yes actually I did, I said it as him or me and that I wouldn't go back while his son was there. The son had to go for us to have any chance.

Sorry I don't have a 16 year old, my lad is a grown adult way into his 20's and stayed in my home, the one I've returned to. I'd never put a child in that situation.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/06/2022 20:35

Why would you want to go back!

Original poster
Mememene · 26/06/2022 20:38

Sorry to be clear I meant I am in my 50's and I am not a 16 year old prepared to sneak around to catch moments together when his son is out. I did tell him that to have any chance the son, who is in his 30's had to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mememene · 26/06/2022 20:42

RandomMess · 26/06/2022 20:35

Why would you want to go back!

We did have over two wonderful years in lockdown, he supported me so brilliantly through breast cancer, but it's on another thread, when that was over, it all went belly up.

This was the second major issue, and I can't see an answer to either of them.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 26/06/2022 20:46

Absolutely NBU

If your DP wants to spend time with he could go to your home, or go out with you. If he demands that your return to living in his home then he is being unreasonable.

ProfessorFusspot · 26/06/2022 20:56

.... after one vile incident, where my partner sided with his son, I packed my stuff and went home.

I'm struggling to think of any context in which this would be OK and the relationship could continue, even with the two partners living apart. Did your partner not believe you? Not think the incident was serious? Think it was your fault? Understand it was a problem but defend his son on the basis of MH issues or something like that? I'm not sure I could forgive this. Possibly in the last case, if there really were serious MH issues (including addiction, etc) -- but I'd want the son to be getting whatever help is available and the dad to be actively working to find him a separate, safe place to live.

Original poster
Mememene · 26/06/2022 20:59

AdoraBell · 26/06/2022 20:46

Absolutely NBU

If your DP wants to spend time with he could go to your home, or go out with you. If he demands that your return to living in his home then he is being unreasonable.

He has previously not wanted to spend time in my home, over the last three years. I have no idea why so I moved into his place.

He suggested spending time in my place. I couldn't have him move in here full time as wants to go out a couple of times a week drinking, which would be fine but sometimes he drinks to the point he is staggering or falling over and I won't tolerate that in my home.

I had a issue with alcohol and stopped drinking many years ago because of it. It's more than just irrititating for me, drinking again for me, could be disastrous.

He wants me back and he was totally lovely, my soulmate but when the pubs opened and my cancer was given the all clear, it has all gone horribly wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mememene · 26/06/2022 21:06

ProfessorFusspot · 26/06/2022 20:56

.... after one vile incident, where my partner sided with his son, I packed my stuff and went home.

I'm struggling to think of any context in which this would be OK and the relationship could continue, even with the two partners living apart. Did your partner not believe you? Not think the incident was serious? Think it was your fault? Understand it was a problem but defend his son on the basis of MH issues or something like that? I'm not sure I could forgive this. Possibly in the last case, if there really were serious MH issues (including addiction, etc) -- but I'd want the son to be getting whatever help is available and the dad to be actively working to find him a separate, safe place to live.

His son doesn't have addictions problems, there's something not right though, he is in my partners home as he is legally not allowed into his own home with his family. I don't have the details his son won't say.

He defended his son as he thought I was wrong, no one in their right mind would agree with either of them. I know I did the right thing and I also know I should never have been put in the situation I was put in. I was outraged at the time. Sorry to be enigmatic on this one but it's a public message board.

The son actually does have somewhere to go, he just won't go.

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 26/06/2022 21:12

The relationship is over, I’m afraid. I don’t see how you can come back from this

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 26/06/2022 21:13

I'm so very sorry that your heart is hurting, but you must leave them both to it. They have probably always had a dysfunctional relationship; and they are now recreating it big-style - to your detriment.

Thank goodness you kept your home.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/06/2022 21:16

Are you the couple where he's a big drinker and you're sober and he wants you to start drinking with him? I get you're questioning yourself but this isn't the man for you.

Original poster
Mememene · 26/06/2022 21:27

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 26/06/2022 21:16

Are you the couple where he's a big drinker and you're sober and he wants you to start drinking with him? I get you're questioning yourself but this isn't the man for you.

Yes like I said there were two issues, I'd love to get over them and turn the clock back to when he was a total soulmate. I have left , he does want me back, promises changes but I don't believe they'll happen. I just need to remind myself not to weaken and go back and posting here, listening to other people's independant opinions is really helpful.

Especially when you are being told by your partner that all of this is just normal and it is me who is wrong.

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 26/06/2022 21:30

Sorry OP but, given this and your other thread, how can you really think you can make this relationship work? Or what is keeping you
in it? Maybe you should do some work with a counsellor or therapist to sort that out and then you will be able see a way forward. I hope you find some kind of resolution to the issues.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2022 21:30

But...

there but after one vile incident, where my partner sided with his son,

Why, WHY is he still your partner????

Original poster
Mememene · 26/06/2022 21:34

SleepingStandingUp · 26/06/2022 21:30

But...

there but after one vile incident, where my partner sided with his son,

Why, WHY is he still your partner????

I have left him, he wants me back but getting these opinions is a really good way of staying strong and staying away.

Yes it hurts, yes i miss the relationship that we once had, but I've left and I'm grateful to those who have replied to remind me I did make the right decision and to stick to it.

I've just got to get my head around being in my 50's and on my own again, it's lonely, it's hard but going back to him isn't the answer.

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 26/06/2022 21:37

He's chosen his violent thug of a son over you.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has zero respect for your feelings?

Original poster
Mememene · 26/06/2022 21:39

Georgeskitchen · 26/06/2022 21:37

He's chosen his violent thug of a son over you.
Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has zero respect for your feelings?

Yes exactly, I just have to stay away, after reading these threads I am not even sure why he wants me back.

Time to move on for me.

OP posts:
JuneJubilee · 26/06/2022 21:41

YANBU to have left
YABU (ridiculously so) to stay in a relationship with him.

he has left you dien
he has allowed his son frighten/bully you
he previously didn't want to spend time at your place (for no reason)

HES A HEAVY DRINKER and in your situation that's dangerous!

YOU are worth more than this absolute shit show.

Sorchamarie · 26/06/2022 21:47

The son situation is obviously really not ok, but I really think you need to focus on your relationship with your partner, and what is going on there, with regards to his drinking, which sounds problematic to say the least! It sounds like what was previously a loving and supportive relationship has now soured. Please don't be blinded by the fact that he was so supportive during your cancer treatment (I really hope all is now well!) OR be distracted by the issue with the son, into seeing that this is now not a healthy relationship for you and that it might need to end. The man you're with now, out of lockdown, and down at the pub drinking heavily three nights a week is likely the 'real' him. Best of luck OP.

JuneJubilee · 26/06/2022 21:48

It's NOT fucking normal. If he thinks it's normal he desperately needs help.

im in my 50's too & single, it's a fuck tonne better than that shit.

Sorchamarie · 26/06/2022 21:49

Sorry, thread had moved on a bit while I was writing my post. Didn't realised you'd actually ended things already. You've definitely made the right decision.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/06/2022 21:50

Pretty sure I was on your other thread. You have so done the right thing leaving him. You need this and are now valuing yourself as worth more than the crumbs he is offering. You cannot stay with him just because he helped to get you through cancer.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 26/06/2022 21:56

I’d be listening to the people here who are giving you advice rather than him. He’s advising you based on his wants and needs.
If you feel the door isn’t closed for you though, tell him to crack on and change then give you a call. 6–12 months sober, no violent son calling the shots etc. And forget about him until then.