To say kick out the adult kid?

[Mememene]

I have a couple of major issues in my relationship and have walked away, this is really to question my actions.

If you were scared of your partner's adult son (in his 30s), with good reason, he has form for abusing women and your partner let him move in, was it unreasonable for me to move out? I tried to make it work but after a couple of months I couldn't tolerate it any more and left.

I know we should always support our kids, and I should admire my partner for supporting his son, but sometimes they don't deserve it, I have no time for men who hit women (and visa versa for that matter) he scares me. I tried to make it work with the three of us there but after one vile incident, where my partner sided with his son, I packed my stuff and went home.

His son decides when he comes and goes so I have to "visit" my partner when his son is out. I'm in my 50's not a 16 year old and couldn't tolerate being treated like that by my partner.

Luckily even after living together I had the freedom of just returning to my place. My partner refuses to ask his son to leave, I think he is scared of him, I am too but he denies this. He has attacked his Dad before. BUT AIBU to have left them to get on with it. My partner wants me back but it's not an option when his son is living there.

There is another thread that's dealt with the other issue which seems pretty much insurmountable.

I've just got to get my head around being in my 50's and on my own again, it's lonely, it's hard but going back to him isn't the answer.

OP you’re looking at this all wrong!

He was there for you when you needed someone but you don’t anymore, so be grateful but realise that it’s over now and you don’t owe him anything.

You are now single, have adult children and you can literally do anything you want in life - stop going round in circles and start living.
Get a new hobby or job. Find new friends. Go on dates. Travel the world.
The world is your oyster.

It is hard moving from a partnership to being on your own and loneliness can be crippling if you let it but there are huge upsides and one of the biggest is learning you are you’re own best company when it comes to the deep stuff. People and connections are important but you got yourself through cancer, you have protected yourself from a dangerous situation and made it clear you will not accept the situation because you are worth more. You have been your own strength and best friend. Keep trusting yourself because you’re doing great!

I'm sorry OP, I don't think this guy is any sort of soulmate. If he regularly gets staggering drunk and you find that unacceptable (and there is no problem with you doing so, BTW) why would you have him in your home?

Too many major cracks for a good long term relationship, I think.

Also, no one should live with someone they are scared of. You did the right thing in returning to your own home. You need to prioritise your own safety and wellbeing.

Sounds like he's a functional alcoholic tbh. Keep right away as he isn't really the person he masqueraded as during lockdown.

Just thought I'd update, he says he wants me back but there's no way while his violent son is there and I've been asked would I wait around twiddling my thumbs until his adult son decides to go of his own accord in a couple of months time.

Then there's the whole incompatibility on the drinking front.

You couldn't make this stuff up! I am honestly thinking of booking myself my first ever singles holiday and just taking off for some sunshine and a pool for a week.

Personally I think you should do the Freedom Programme. Also read up on alcohol dependency.

Thanks Random but unfortunately alcohol dependency is something I do know way too much about and recovery thank goodness too. I know you mean his dependency, I gave up drinking many years ago because it got to a point where it controlled me and took over my life.

I haven't touched a drop in many years and have to be very careful for my own health, life and mental well being that it stays that way.