Daughter moving back home

[Londonlassie1]

Hello ladies I’m new to mumsnet do please be gentle with me. My only child has split up with her long term partner, they have been together since they were 16 she is now 27. They have lived together for three years in London she is now coming back to live at home. She feels they met too young and wants to live life a bit before she settles down. I know this is not about me but I am use to living by myself (I am divorced) and I’m also sad to see the relationship break down as they are both lovely people

Who is moving back home? Son or daughter?

But YANBU to be sad about the situation, but maybe it could be wonderful to have son or daughter home. They are your child for life not just to 18

My daughter she is in a same sex relationship x

Son or daughter? Either way, it happens and be pleased it's over before kids got mixed up in it. Your child will meet someone else in time, and you might like spending time with them. If you're worried about time on your own then make your limits clear at the outset e.g. max 6 months, help with housework, no new partner sleepovers.

What's your AIBU?

You said son in your title. People will get confused.

Anyway you can say no to her moving back in.

@girlmom21 sorry I didn't mean to put it in the wrong thread I'm new to mumsnet x

Are you worried about her adapting or worried about you adapting?

To be perfectly honest I am concerned about us both adapting. I love her very much but due to my anxiety I tend to micro manage people and worry constantly x

I think your best approach would be to treat her as your housemate rather than your daughter, so you live in the same space but are entirely responsible for yourselves, if that makes sense?

If her intention is to "live life a bit before she settles down" she's much better off doing that in her own place, so make sure you frame this as a temporary situation while she gets set up in a flat on her own or a house-share or something better suited to her new-found freedom and enjoying it to the full. It's not going to be great for either of you otherwise. Communication and clarity around expectations and living arrangements is crucial. Talk to her.

I had the same but other way round ended a bad relationship moved in with my dad for a while and then my mum for lockdown. It was nice to be back and spend time as family but after I was glad when I moved out again try enjoy the time and make the most of it. What helped was finding a tv show my dad liked aswell as me and we bonded in some of the evenings watching it Same with my mum.

I have spoken about how long she will be living here for (I live in a two bedroom flat in London it is nice but not huge) sonwe may feel as if we are living on top of each other. At the present time she cannot afford a flat to rent on her own, she is a teacher and has no friends she could flat share with x

@Jellybeans52 can I ask did you contribute to your parents finances. I really cannot afford for my bills to go much higher x

Of course you should ask her to contribute to bills - and grocery shopping.

work something out between you - she will be saving a fortune so paying say £500 a month into the household pot shouldn’t be a hardship. Bargain for room and board.

I reckon £500 is too high. I'd say £300, allowing her to save to move on. She can find a room to rent, but in London that could cost £800pcm.

£500 will far exceed her share of bills. £300 is more like it.

She has already offered £500.00 to include everything as she was paying £1500.00 split between two of them in their flat plus bills food etc it seems seems like an awful lot of money to take off her x

I would charge around £300-£400 for bills/rent and ask her to save the rest so we can move out to her own place.

Bear in mind also OP you’ll lose your 25% on single occupancy council tax - just something to be aware of

Does she need to be sharing with friends? There's plenty of houseshare websites for connecting young professionals to live together. After she's regrouped at yours for a few weeks, she should look into those as her next step. Nothing wrong with them and she might well make some more friends out of it.

£500 is cheap for a room in London and it's good that she's giving you more than you expect so you won't feel she's taking the piss. If you don't need it all, quietly put some aside for her to use as a rental deposit for her next place.

Don't forget council tax - op will lose the single person's discount.

@HotToddyColdSauvignon I forgot about that. I will bear that in mind thank you x

£500 is a good starting point, you can always rethink after a month or two of bills. I stayed with my mum after splitting with my ex and we worked out that with increased council tax, bills and my share of the food (we split the cooking but she did the grocery shopping) it was around £250-275, but that was in 2010.

But less awkward to tell her to give you less after a while than having to ask for more

@11Hawkins I think I will take £500.00 but put £200.00 away monthly for her to have when she moves out x