Daughter moving back home

[Londonlassie1]

Hello ladies I’m new to mumsnet do please be gentle with me. My only child has split up with her long term partner, they have been together since they were 16 she is now 27. They have lived together for three years in London she is now coming back to live at home. She feels they met too young and wants to live life a bit before she settles down. I know this is not about me but I am use to living by myself (I am divorced) and I’m also sad to see the relationship break down as they are both lovely people

Yes this absolutely! ThT way you get support and help with finances and she gets an unexpected amount to help with her mortgage or rent on the next place she moves to
I'd also say to set boundaries and be clear and frank with her ... watch Shirley Valentine if necessary!!

To ensure she saves up to move out and doesn't spend too much 'living life a bit' why not take £700 off her but put half in a savings account. My DB moved back with my DM and he's been there over 5 yrs, has got too comfortable, living the high life with all his disposable income, coming and going as he pleases, dumping kids on her, not pulling his weight. You don't want that scenario so make firm rules and stick to them.

I think we will need some house rules. I have already said no bringing 'friends' back doing her own washing ironing etc I'm a chef so cooking is not so much of an issue to me. I have said if I make a meal I will plate her some up for later when she comes in. I don't want to come down too hard on her at the moment x

Accept the £500 offer, have regular conversations and let her know that having someone else in the house is not easy for you.

Make some rules before she comes back, so you both no where you stand, charge the 500 rent and maybe save 200 of it for her. You may enjoy the company having her back to live with you.

That seems like a really good plan.

Hope things go smoothly for you both op.

I think the plans you have for the money are a good idea. We had DD and SIL move in for 18 months and charged them £550 a month. When they moved out we wiped off £1800 of accrued debt off the total amount( loaned them money for a car etc). However, with costs rising as they are, try to keep a record of increased spend. We managed well, had our younger son home at uni holiday time, which got a bit tricky on shared spaces sometimes, but in general it was fine and we were pleased to give them the chance to save for a deposit for their house.

Our adult dd moved back in after living away for several years. It was a stressful year as she reverted back to being a teen and i had 3 living with me already! But she left an abusive relationship and was in debt and we obviously wanted to help her. She stayed a year and got herself sorted out before moving into a shared house. Last year she bought her first home with her lovely new partner.
Definietly make house rules.

It’s absolutely reasonable to ask for her to contribute to your costs once she’s moved in. That can include helping with rent, electricity, council tax, water bills, food, service charge etc.

Were you asked or were you told about the boomerang offspring? I do think from reading many posts on here that the 'children' seem to think they can make the decision and the parent has to suck it up!
I would want to discuss the arrangements before they moved back and establish some ground rules, they're not going to live like they did as a teenager!

My daughter also moved back after a relationship split. But within weeks we talked about how her life would move forward, and what she'd look for accommodation-wise. I had a lot more room than you have, but we both wanted to look forward rather than for her to stagnate here at 30 years old.
I can't remember how long she was with me, but it was nearer six months than a year, and only that long because she chose to buy and that took time.

House shares in London are perfectly easy to find at well under what she paid with her partner. I have a friend who was flat sharing until very recently, and who found his place (and found new housemates when others moved on) through the SpareRooms website. So I suggest that when she's feeling more 'together' you have a look with her to see what's available.

You're doing it exactly right by setting some rules, but it's a good opportunity to establish a more adult-to-adult dynamic too. As someone said upthread, approach it more as you would with a housemate, negotiating with her more as an equal. It's fine to have some non-negotiables too but don't set all the rules in a top down way.

Letting an adult children pay for some household things can be a good way to nudge you to a more adult to adult footing too. Look up transactional analysis (parent-adult-child ego states) and try and keep most of your interactions adult-adult rather than parent-child eg www.philgowler.co.uk/therapies/the-parent-adult-child-model-simple-yet-it-works/

I'm absolutely not saying you should let her rule the roost, just avoid falling into repeating the dynamic you had when she was last home. It'll drive you both mad now, you've both changed

I reckon £500 is too high. I'd say £300, allowing her to save to move on. She can find a room to rent, but in London that could cost £800pcm

no it won't. I have rented good rooms in London house shares for between 4-500 hundred quid,all bills included.

She should look at babysitting to boost her income - I have a teacher friend who babysits via the bubble app, much in demand as she has DBS etc and mostly the kids are asleep so she just gets on with her marking. She makes £50/week easy

Honestly OP I think after a couple of days you’ll love it.

She’s not a child and has a full time job and when she’s not working she’ll probably be out with her friends, so you don’t even see her much.

It’s nice having someone to talk about your day to or watch a documentary together. You’ll also save some money if she’s paying her own way.

Don’t push her into thinking about her next steps etc she’s just had a breakup at an age where you feel really vulnerable, her biological clock is ticking and she knows that with this relationship ending if she wants children she needs to find a partner soon. Her entire world has been turned upside and she’s going to be feeling very down about it, even if it was her choice.
So make sure you support her and in a few months if you’re struggling with living with her then you can bring it up.

I think we will need some house rules. I have already said no bringing 'friends' back

Ever?! I can’t imagine saying that to my kids! My oldest is only 20 but I think it’s nice for them to be able to bring friends back sometimes.

Of course she should contribute to the bills and as PP’s have said, think of her more as a housemate then your DD, I.e. another independent adult. I’m sure she’ll be making plans to move out as soon as she’s recovered from her breakup and had sone time to think about her next steps. Obviously if it turns into months with no mention of future plans, you may need to raise the subject.

She means no shagging in her house, hence the 'friends'

I’ve had to move home after a break up and my parents don’t charge me rent or bills but the deal is I have to send them what I would be paying every month and they put it aside to build savings for a deposit. I am very lucky as I would never be in a position to be able to do this otherwise and my parents aren’t particularly well off, they’re very frugal, but it’s not possible for everyone in the slightest. It’s absolutely not unreasonable to charge your daughter rent and bills.

I am also a teacher and I don’t understand how your daughter couldn’t find somewhere to rent, at least as a house share? Teacher wages aren’t exactly awful.

I would say, though, that if you micro manage people then she would definitely be better off living elsewhere. It’s your house and you’re totally entitled to make the rules but if you know you micro manage because of anxiety I think you really need to address that if she comes to live at home, or it will impact your relationship with her.