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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dp to spend time with my friend?

41 replies

enviousofmikescheekbones · 26/06/2022 13:42

Nc as potentially outing if linked with previous posts.

Dp doesn't like my best friend. My best friend is also kind of my sister in law (was with my db before he died) and is still very close to me and my family, along with her partner and my nephew (dbs) and niece (current partners). Dp is friends with sil's partner.

My sil will try to arrange doing stuff together and my dp is always really crappy about it. He doesn't control my actions at all and is fine with me going and doing stuff with them but just doesn't want to join us. Sil has never done anything shit to him, he just doesn't like her. Sil also doesn't particularly like dp but she gets on with him okay enough to spend time together every now and then.

I don't mind sometimes doing stuff with them just me and the kids, but I feel like when it's all of us EXCEPT dp his absence is very obvious (especially if he's literally just sitting at home by himself). I don't want to tell sil that dp doesn't like her and doesn't want to spend any time around her because 1. That's just not very nice to have to say is it and 2. I don't want there to be awkwardness any time we are with them because everybody knows that my dp just doesn't like her or want to be around her. And 3. I worry about how it might affect my relationship with sil.

I feel like the choices are to 1. Tell sil he doesn't like her 2. Lie when they ask why he didn't come 3. Dp comes enough for it not to be blatantly obvious he doesn't like her and won't be around her.

This of course is alongside the fact that I don't like that my dp doesn't like sil, and don't want to be limited in what I can do with my family. I want to be able to go for a pub lunch or picnic with my dp, kids AND my sil etc.

I don't want to MAKE my partner spend time with people he doesn't want to, I don't believe that that's right and it feels controlling. But he doesn't actually have a really bad time in their company - there's no arguments, there's some laughter and decent conversation. I think he tells himself he won't enjoy it because he doesn't like her, so is already in a negative headspace when seeing them, but actually has an okay time. We only see them around once a month so it's not like I'm asking him to be around her all the time! So I feel like him compromising and doing it sometimes isn't too big of an ask? But maybe I'm wrong and he shouldn't have to compromise? Would appreciate other perspectives as I'm really struggling with this, thanks very much.

OP posts:
ClocksGoingBackwards · 26/06/2022 13:47

I agree he should compromise. He shouldn’t be expected to go every time, but he should make the effort occasionally, especially when the family get togethers are big enough that there wouldn’t only be four adults there.

What are his reasons for not liking her? And if your sil doesn’t really like him, are you sure they want him to be around more anyway?

KissThaRain · 26/06/2022 13:48

I maybe he just doesn’t like her and so doesn’t want to spend time with person he dislikes. I’d not bother to try and get them to be friends. If she invites you both out ask if if wants to go with you - he’ll say no - and you and her go to the event

MultiBird · 26/06/2022 13:54

So your DP is close to her DP but he won't spend time together as couples?

I don't like to make the usual MN leap, but are you sure they don't like each other more than they admit or that there isn't some history between them?

If it's just that he doesn't like her, yes he's being unnecessarily rude and difficult to both you and his friend

PerfectlyQuiet · 26/06/2022 13:58

I think you should carry on as you are. It seems crazy to try and make two people who don't like each other spend time together. Don't tell your SIL that your husband doesn't like her. That would be pointless.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 26/06/2022 14:00

I think YABU.

I don't spend time with DH's friends and I wouldn't expect him to spend any time with mine. We also never go out as a couple with other couples, lol.

Just keep the friendships separate. It's okay that he doesn't like your friend and I don't see the benefit in them spending time together, especially as your friend doesn't especially like your DP either.

HeddaGarbled · 26/06/2022 14:03

He does seem to be making an extraordinarily awkward point of avoiding her. I’d want to know why. She can’t be that bad, can she?

Original poster
enviousofmikescheekbones · 26/06/2022 14:23

@MultiBird most definitely not more between them, I'd bet literally anything on it!

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 26/06/2022 14:26

Why doesn’t he like her? He must have a reason. Odd that he likes her partner but not her!

How often do you see her for it to be a problem? If you see her every other month, then I’d ask if he can poke up with it every other time you see them.

If you see them twice a week, that’s different!

Original poster
enviousofmikescheekbones · 26/06/2022 14:27

@coffeecupsandfairylights I'd typically agree with you, and I don't expect dp to spend any time with any of my other friends. I think this feels different because she's family as well as friend. And because we do stuff together as families. I have a great relationship with her dp and when we do stuff most of the time it's sil, her dp and dc and me and my dc. So my dp not being there (especially as he's friends with sil's dp) is actually 'odd' iyswim?

OP posts:
Original poster
enviousofmikescheekbones · 26/06/2022 14:29

PerfectlyQuiet · 26/06/2022 13:58

I think you should carry on as you are. It seems crazy to try and make two people who don't like each other spend time together. Don't tell your SIL that your husband doesn't like her. That would be pointless.

@PerfectlyQuiet but how to I explain his absence without telling her? Yeah a few times I can lie (which makes me very very anxious and that anxiety is sometimes pretty obvious) and say 'he's doing this' 'he's doing that' but what about when it's been like 6 months or a year and they haven't seen him once? Don't you think that's a bit obvious?

OP posts:
HerTableLaid · 26/06/2022 14:35

Look, neither of them likes the other — just leave it. If you know your SIL dislikes your partner, surely she’ll grasp that he doesn’t like her either without it being some major controversy?

coffeecupsandfairylights · 26/06/2022 14:54

enviousofmikescheekbones · 26/06/2022 14:27

@coffeecupsandfairylights I'd typically agree with you, and I don't expect dp to spend any time with any of my other friends. I think this feels different because she's family as well as friend. And because we do stuff together as families. I have a great relationship with her dp and when we do stuff most of the time it's sil, her dp and dc and me and my dc. So my dp not being there (especially as he's friends with sil's dp) is actually 'odd' iyswim?

Look at it from his viewpoint.

He doesn't like your friend (and you admit she doesn't really like him either) yet he's clearly still feeling pressured to join in with your pre-established meet-ups. That can be really, really uncomfortable for some people.

I really don't see it as odd. People who don't like each other shouldn't ever be expected to spend time together. DH and I have been married several years and I've never met most of his friends - and he's never met mine. We just see our friends separately and always have done.

I don't see the need to spend time with his friends and if he expected me to, I'd think he was slightly off his rocker Grin

gabagoulghost · 26/06/2022 14:57

What's the point in forcing people to hang out if they don't like each other?

I have friends my DH isn't keen on and vice versa, we just do things separately. I don't think it's a big deal.

hopeishere · 26/06/2022 15:01

It's tricky. My DH and my sisters don't gel that much. So me and my sister just meet up without them. I prefer it to be honest.

Original poster
enviousofmikescheekbones · 26/06/2022 15:08

I think that if I didn't really like someone dp was close to, I'd absolutely just suck it up every month or so and spend a day with them because I'm a grown up who can be pleasant and polite to someone I don't like and I wouldn't want dp to HAVE TO see them without me if he didn't want to.

I get on okay with mil but she has some really different opinions to me and makes comments about how I choose to parent etc, belittles me on occasion etc, but I just disagree or agree to disagree politely and deal with it because it's dps mum and my dcs nan. I just don't see why dp can't do that too.

But maybe you're right and it's not fair to ask him to just deal with it every now and then (regardless of whether I would the other way round). I just don't want to have to separate my loved ones like this I guess. I want to be able to have a day at the beach or lunch at the pub with my dp and dc and my sil and family. But sometimes we can't have the things we want. Just makes me sad and feel like my life and relationship aren't 'harmonious' which is what I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
enviousofmikescheekbones · 26/06/2022 15:10

Relationships*

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 26/06/2022 15:22

I think that if I didn't really like someone dp was close to, I'd absolutely just suck it up every month or so and spend a day with them because I'm a grown up who can be pleasant and polite to someone I don't like and I wouldn't want dp to HAVE TO see them without me if he didn't want to.

Whereas I wouldn't want my DH to hang out with someone he didn't like just for my sake. I think long-term it just causes resentment and arguments.

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/06/2022 15:23

You can't force people to like each other. Stop trying to play happy families and just let everyone be or you risk turning this into being all about what YOU want. You don't have to do everything together.

gabagoulghost · 26/06/2022 15:23

enviousofmikescheekbones · 26/06/2022 15:08

I think that if I didn't really like someone dp was close to, I'd absolutely just suck it up every month or so and spend a day with them because I'm a grown up who can be pleasant and polite to someone I don't like and I wouldn't want dp to HAVE TO see them without me if he didn't want to.

I get on okay with mil but she has some really different opinions to me and makes comments about how I choose to parent etc, belittles me on occasion etc, but I just disagree or agree to disagree politely and deal with it because it's dps mum and my dcs nan. I just don't see why dp can't do that too.

But maybe you're right and it's not fair to ask him to just deal with it every now and then (regardless of whether I would the other way round). I just don't want to have to separate my loved ones like this I guess. I want to be able to have a day at the beach or lunch at the pub with my dp and dc and my sil and family. But sometimes we can't have the things we want. Just makes me sad and feel like my life and relationship aren't 'harmonious' which is what I want.

I think a couple times a year would be reasonable for a "family event".

But not monthly!

SpiderVersed · 26/06/2022 15:28

They don’t get on. Just accept that and don’t try and force them to hang out.

OneTC · 26/06/2022 15:36

Is he generally sociable?

I'd need a real reason to dislike someone enough not to hang out with them a bit

Original poster
enviousofmikescheekbones · 26/06/2022 15:38

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/06/2022 15:23

You can't force people to like each other. Stop trying to play happy families and just let everyone be or you risk turning this into being all about what YOU want. You don't have to do everything together.

@HundredMilesAnHour I know, and I really don't mean for it to be coming across like I want it all my way. Like I said, I don't 'expect' him to come every time, I just don't see why he can't sometimes. Also he doesn't really have any friends, he's quite happy in our family unit and doesn't seem to feel the need to have relationships outside of that (except his family). And then I feel like if I go out and do things without him then he's just on his own and I feel bad 🤷‍♀️ but I guess that part is his choice if he'd rather be by himself that with us and sil..

I just feel like there's a middle ground here and he's firmly just sticking with what he wants to do, and when I try to discuss a compromise he acts like I'm controlling him. Which is the last thing I want to do! And I didn't feel like I'm being controlling, just trying to make us both happy some of the time. But yeah, maybe it is just wrong to ask him to be around someone he doesn't like

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 26/06/2022 15:46

Leave him alone I’d say. I hate the fact dh forces me to spend time at family gatherings when he knows I don’t like it. Yes I may appear to have a good time once there but I’m not I’m just going through the motions.

it’s taken 15 years for him to finally see that I don’t have to attend this stuff by actually making a bit of a scene which I’m betting he had rather I hadn’t but me and our eldest have had enough of appeasing others because family. His more than welcome to go alone and I don’t mind going maybe once or twice a year but anymore than that is too much. It puts me on edge the whole week before and for days after I have to decompress.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 26/06/2022 15:51

I don't 'expect' him to come every time, I just don't see why he can't sometimes.

Because he doesn't want to - isn't that good enough?

Also he doesn't really have any friends, he's quite happy in our family unit and doesn't seem to feel the need to have relationships outside of that (except his family). And then I feel like if I go out and do things without him then he's just on his own and I feel bad 🤷‍♀️ but I guess that part is his choice if he'd rather be by himself that with us and sil.

I think you're projecting a bit here because you have no reason to feel bad.

He doesn't want to go and that's a perfectly valid choice - don't make him feel bad about it. He doesn't have to like your friends or spend any time with them if he doesn't want to.

I couldn't pick most of DH's friends out of a line-up.

Staynow · 26/06/2022 16:20

It sounds like he's not very sociable and that's fair enough - why don't you just say that? He doesn't like going out much, would rather just be hanging out at home and that's why he's not here. There's nothing at all for you to feel bad about, unless you're out all the time with SIL and don't see him. Maybe he really enjoys just being home alone, as a pp said it sounds like you're projecting - you wouldn't enjoy being home alone so you can't understand why he would. No need for you to try to make him more like you or for you to feel bad because he's not more like you.