To expect dp to spend time with my friend?

[enviousofmikescheekbones]

Nc as potentially outing if linked with previous posts.

Dp doesn't like my best friend. My best friend is also kind of my sister in law (was with my db before he died) and is still very close to me and my family, along with her partner and my nephew (dbs) and niece (current partners). Dp is friends with sil's partner.

My sil will try to arrange doing stuff together and my dp is always really crappy about it. He doesn't control my actions at all and is fine with me going and doing stuff with them but just doesn't want to join us. Sil has never done anything shit to him, he just doesn't like her. Sil also doesn't particularly like dp but she gets on with him okay enough to spend time together every now and then.

I don't mind sometimes doing stuff with them just me and the kids, but I feel like when it's all of us EXCEPT dp his absence is very obvious (especially if he's literally just sitting at home by himself). I don't want to tell sil that dp doesn't like her and doesn't want to spend any time around her because 1. That's just not very nice to have to say is it and 2. I don't want there to be awkwardness any time we are with them because everybody knows that my dp just doesn't like her or want to be around her. And 3. I worry about how it might affect my relationship with sil.

I feel like the choices are to 1. Tell sil he doesn't like her 2. Lie when they ask why he didn't come 3. Dp comes enough for it not to be blatantly obvious he doesn't like her and won't be around her.

This of course is alongside the fact that I don't like that my dp doesn't like sil, and don't want to be limited in what I can do with my family. I want to be able to go for a pub lunch or picnic with my dp, kids AND my sil etc.

I don't want to MAKE my partner spend time with people he doesn't want to, I don't believe that that's right and it feels controlling. But he doesn't actually have a really bad time in their company - there's no arguments, there's some laughter and decent conversation. I think he tells himself he won't enjoy it because he doesn't like her, so is already in a negative headspace when seeing them, but actually has an okay time. We only see them around once a month so it's not like I'm asking him to be around her all the time! So I feel like him compromising and doing it sometimes isn't too big of an ask? But maybe I'm wrong and he shouldn't have to compromise? Would appreciate other perspectives as I'm really struggling with this, thanks very much.

I am sorry I don't understand why you can't leave things they way they are.
I am also one who is wondering if he likes her more than he lets on or has a history with her you don't know about.

Stop trying to make them spend time together when they don't like each other. Just why?! That would really grate on me if my DH did that to me.

He's not stopping you spending time with her, so I don't see the issue.

It's weird to me that you want to force your DP to be around someone he doesn't like. Why? Why do you need/want DP there? Surely you have a nice time without him?

I don't think you need to make excuses, just don't say anything. If they ask they casually explain what he is doing. Even if he is just cracking on with some chores at home or whatever.

I don't understand couples that want to live in each other's pockets.

Not sure why this jump. I’ve never had a thing with my sil and I don’t like her

Sil also doesn't particularly like dp but she gets on with him okay enough to spend time together every now and then.

If neither of them like each other, why make them spend time together? Neither of them will enjoy it. SIL is happy seeing you. DP is happy hiding from her. Why make them both unhappy?

This of course is alongside the fact that I don't like that my dp doesn't like sil, and don't want to be limited in what I can do with my family.

Ah, I see. This is about you. Your desire to have the two of them in the same place is worth them both having a bad time.

I knew someone would make this leap

3rd post must be a record!

I think you shouldn't force this. Especially not once a month! That's too much.

I can't imagine my DP forcing me to socialize with someone I don't like once a month. I think it's reasonable to expect them to hang out occasionally (e.g. big family birthday), but definitely not monthly.

I think you are expecting too much.

I'm always a bit suspicious when someone's BF doesn't like her partner - not that they have a history, but that she can see his flaws in ways you can't. Having been that BF....

Neither of them like each other. Why should they hang out to be polite!!!! Ridiculous

Blimey - not everyone in your life is going to get along! It doesn't mean there's anything weird or dodgy going on, lol.

I don't think there's any point trying to force them to get along, some people just don't gel for whatever reason and that's fine. I certainly wouldn't appreciate DH telling me to suck it up and spend time with someone I didn't like if I didn't want to.

You should just leave it alone since they both aren't keen on each other.

If your h is a loner then time alone at home is probably a treat for him so I wouldn't feel guilty.

After reading your posts I don’t want to spend time with your SIL. 🤣

I can understand where you are coming from, but it’s too much. Enjoy your SIL and your time together but stop pressuring your DP, he doesn’t want to go. The more pressure you put on it the more likely he’ll dig in his heals. It’s ok for people not to like each other for no particular reason. And he doesn’t have to justify his feelings to give you a ‘good reason’. Just accept it and keep doing your thing.

What really stands out to me is that I think you are projecting feelings all over the place. Has your SIL actually asked about your DP? Or are you just afraid that she will? As for what to say IF she asks is to say exactly what you did here. “Oh you know him, this just isn’t his thing”. Done and done.

Once a month with someone I don't like? Hell no, leave the poor bloke be. Once or twice a year out of politeness is ample.

I agree op there is a middle ground.

My dh finds my sister hard work (she talks a lot and he waits for space to speak, ie never gets to with her). So we compromise. He doesn't come every time but he understands that if someone is an important relationship to me (same for some of my friends he doesn't gel with) he just has to suck it up occasionally.

You just need to agree the balance.

You can tell him how you feel and ask him to compromise by coming to certain things, specifically events where there are more people in attendance, but I don't see why it has to be awkward if he doesn't come along. I'd "excuse" it by making some comment about how he's enjoying some time alone, recharging his batteries, etc. In your friend's place, even if I suspect that he didn't like me, I doubt I'd bring it up. I'd just think he was weird and maybe a bit rude, but so what? In that case, Id be glad to see less of him, not clamouring for more! She probably doesn't care if she sees him or not.