AIBU to think Inlaws just don't want to watch my child?

[Loulovey]

AIBU here? Currently my Inlaws who are a both retired watch my 8mo DS once a week for around 3/4 hours max. DH is working away from home 5 days a week so only home at weekends and my parents both still work full time. I really appreciate them offering to have him for that time as it means I can blast through alot of errands in half the time it would take me to do it with DS around. However, for the last 3 weeks when they have said they can't have DS because one week FIL had sickness bug the following week MIL had it then this week they had jobs to get on with that they hadn't got done while Ill. All this is absolutely fine of course as like I say I appreciate any help from them. But what's really got to me is that they have 2 other school age grandchildren they look after twice a week too to put it into context their mum which is my BILs wife does not work and children go to school full time all week and in laws have them 1 school night a week and 1 full day on Saturdays were talking 9 till 6pm. When they told me they couldn't watch DS on the days they were ill or busy on all occasions the following day they still had my nephews. Also just to add an extra element we were due to go to a wedding one Saturday ( my parents were on holiday) and they said they couldn't have DS because they have the other two children and when DH asked if they could miss this week or have them on the Sunday instead they were really put out and said no. AIBU? To think they favour these other children over ours? I know all parents may say this but DS really is a joy to be around too he is really easy going as far as babies go.

School age children are a lot easier to look after than an eight month old though, and saying they can’t have your son because they’ve already committed to having the other children that day is not “favouring the other children”.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, sorry.

Yes I would say they enjoy the older children and probably find an eight month old a lot more responsibly.

I think in terms of the other kids you are probably pushing it a bit but yes I can see why you think they do t want to have your dc. I think you need to find some childcare for.him if he doesn't yet go to nursery perhaps he can do 1 session a week or with a childminder ready for you going back to work, or if you are not just to give you something different if you are al9ne with him all week.

You are being unreasonable.
Our children are our responsibility, not the responsibility of our parents.
It's not that they prefer the other grandchildren but from what I've seen, the novelty goes away after the first.

Regarding the wedding. Did they agree to have your child ages ago? How recently did your DH ask them to mind his DC for the wedding?

School age children are much easier to look after than a baby. How old are your PIL?

I am generalising here but often the problem is that GPs commit to the maximum hours they are prepared to do when the first grandchildren come along. When the next sibling starts a family the assumption is that the parents will do for this family what they do for the other, or in your case much less but they have got a bit older since this all began and are more tired out with little ones. There is no easy solution to this. The second set of parents are hurt that little help is forthcoming for them, the first lot of parents don't want to reduce their hours of grandparent care and the grandparents are caught in the middle. I would try for an honest Mon judgemental conversation with them and see how you get on. It is very hard to be in your position of your partner works away. 💐

Thanks for the replies. I understand it was maybe alot to suggest changing days for the wedding ect. I'm just a bit hurt as I feel like they are maybe making things up to not have DS? As how can you have sickness on two weeks in a row the exact day you planned to have DS but be absolutely grand the next day? I'd much rather they were just honest and said it's a bit much for us than try any excuse not to have him. I might have to just have an open Conbo and ask if everything is OK and if it's a bit much having him. Xx

PIL are 60 and 61

The thing is too I wouldnt rely on grandparents to watch them when I return to work anyway. As I've said my parents work full time still and to watch a baby full time for one lot of grandparents is too much so I wouldn't do that. It's more the fact they offered to help I didn't ask and I guess it's just the lack of honesty if him being hard for them to watch is truly the problem. Xx

I think YABU. I wouldn't ask anyone to have my child when on maternity leave, especially not a regular thing. It's a big bonus if you do get offered that, but I wouldn't take it as a given or complain it wasn't happening.

YABU. Grandparents are not free babysitters.
You had your child, your child is your responsibility. They raised their children, they've done their bit.

If it's to much - find proper childcare.

What you perhaps haven’t realised and may do in later years is that, whilst grandchildren are a joy, they are also hard work. Because grandparents are one step removed from parents, they worry about caring for babies and children, when perhaps they aren’t able to do as much as they once did. My grandchild fell from a climbing frame and broke a leg, when she was with her father. If it had happened when I was caring for her, I would forever blame myself.

It’s a level of responsibility that becomes more difficult, the older you get.

I’m sure they don’t want to fall out with you and that’s why they’re saying that they love to see your boy, but don’t want the responsibility regularly.

Honestly there is a world of difference between watching school going children and minding an 8 month old baby ESPECIALLY if you have a bug. You might find your son a constant ray if sunshine to be around but they might find it really hard looking after a small baby. This is not about favourites but what they are able for.YABU.

I think some of you are misunderstanding so maybe I need to be more clear I DID NOT ask them to babysit the only time we EVER have is for a wedding as I said above. They couldn't and that's fine we sorted other childcare and I understand we were being unreasonable asking them to swap days for other children. Il totally take that. They approached me and said because DH is working away lot it must be harder to get all the jobs done. I said it was fine and they said no we will have him for a few hours one day a week so you can catch up on your housework or have some you time. They said it would be nice to have quality time with him. I think all their intentions were lovely and good but having took on board some of the other comments now they have had him they do maybe feel it's a but much so id much rather they were honest and said that than make an excuse not to have DS but still have the other grandchildren the following day. Which is why I think I had some good advice from others above and just need to have a convo with them and say look you don't need to have him every week but I appreciate the kind gesture and the help they have given me. I didnt not ask them to have him what so ever and I'm not passing my child on to someone else!!!

School aged children pretty much look after themselves while a baby needs a lot more care, stuff and nappy changing etc. Also, I do believe first born children are favoured unfortunately.

ShiningStar is spot on.

Grandparents often overcommit first time around and then realise that there will be multiple families/children and they are getting older, they can't reduce commitments without their being uproar and they are stuck.

Try not to take it personally. It's not you or your baby. Look in to getting a childminder or regular sitter.

As how can you have sickness on two weeks in a row the exact day you planned to have DS but be absolutely grand the next day?

I could probably look after school aged children safely whilst recovering from a sickness bug. But probably not a baby. But also there are two of them, so one healthy adult doing solo care of school aged children vs 1 healthy adult looking after a baby alone. They may not feel confident doing that solo when normally there'd be two of them caring for your DS.

The 8 month old needs:

• regularly picking up
• regularly changing
• full supervision whilst awake
• regular feeds
• regular meals
• lots of cleaning up after

A school aged child can mostly look after themselves with some supervision. They can also wash there own hands and aren't putting everything in their mouths so are unlikely to catch the sickness bug, I'm not sure I'd say the same for an 8 month old.

Maybe it is favouritism, but so far you've not said anything that's made anyone else think that's the case.

Yanbu. They are retired but still incredibly young - I know 60 years olds working FT in childcare jobs which is a lot more work than two GP handling one 8 month old baby for a few hours a week! They offered to help, you are stuck with a small baby 5 days and nights a week while their son is away working.

Is there a reason the GP have your BiL's kids every weekend for an entire day? That's a big commitment if there is no specific reason.
Another time if you want to have babysitting at the weekend I'd ask your BIL and his wife first - could they babysit themselves (since they have no kids to look after!) Or could they swap miss their day at GP to help you out and THEN ask GP.

Thanks for the comments saying the older children are easier. I get that. I'm probably being too sensitive about them favouring and it is just a case of them being able to occupy themselves and not needing someone to be right with them the whole time so thanks for bringing that more to light for me xx

I would watch primary age kids any day over an 8 month old. It's far easier and less tiring. It doesn't matter that they're only 60, I'm 40 and my 6yo exhausts me. I am absolutely not doing any regular childcare of gc when I'm 60. Don't take it personally though, it seems like they want you to take the hint without actually saying it.

I think sometimes people forget just how much work little ones are. My parents offered to watch mine when they were young, but they really struggled with them in reality.

Id knock the visits on the head. It’s hard but you’ll manage. I’ll bet they’ll start complaining they never see your baby anymore though.

You'll be back at work before you know it.

There is not a particular reason they have the other two children a full day at the weekend as far as I know. I wouldn't feel comfortable with BIL and wife babysitting. They both smoke alot on the house which I wouldn't want my son around and we have very different parenting styles. No wrong or right just different xx

Oh yes good point re bil babysitting!

I think you are being over sensitive about them babysitting though. Its amazing they have done what they have for so long and well within their rights to have days they can't do. Do you see them all together as a family sometimes too? They sound great!

Also, my in-laws help my SIL with her kids so much, but they never do anything for me. It is r fair but what can you do? It’s their loss.

Also having had them babysit every week so far is far more than most people get . Its been a real gift, lots of people see family with their child and perhaps get the odd babysitting but not while someone is home. Id be incredibly grateful rather than trying to compare exactly.

I think you are a bit over sensitive tbh honest. You have no idea whether they were sick those two weeks or not. Sickness happens and quite frankly I would be happier that they cancel rather than expose my child to illness unneccesarily. Fair enough they want to catch up after they recover.

Expecting then to change the day they had with their other grandchild was a bit entitled as you sound when you speak about them looking after their other Grandkids.

What they are doing for you is a favour not a right.