AIBU to think Inlaws just don't want to watch my child?

[Loulovey]

AIBU here? Currently my Inlaws who are a both retired watch my 8mo DS once a week for around 3/4 hours max. DH is working away from home 5 days a week so only home at weekends and my parents both still work full time. I really appreciate them offering to have him for that time as it means I can blast through alot of errands in half the time it would take me to do it with DS around. However, for the last 3 weeks when they have said they can't have DS because one week FIL had sickness bug the following week MIL had it then this week they had jobs to get on with that they hadn't got done while Ill. All this is absolutely fine of course as like I say I appreciate any help from them. But what's really got to me is that they have 2 other school age grandchildren they look after twice a week too to put it into context their mum which is my BILs wife does not work and children go to school full time all week and in laws have them 1 school night a week and 1 full day on Saturdays were talking 9 till 6pm. When they told me they couldn't watch DS on the days they were ill or busy on all occasions the following day they still had my nephews. Also just to add an extra element we were due to go to a wedding one Saturday ( my parents were on holiday) and they said they couldn't have DS because they have the other two children and when DH asked if they could miss this week or have them on the Sunday instead they were really put out and said no. AIBU? To think they favour these other children over ours? I know all parents may say this but DS really is a joy to be around too he is really easy going as far as babies go.

Also it's a very new thing them watching him. Only over the last say 6 weeks so they have had him 3 weeks in a row then I think as people have suggested above they have realised its hard work and don't want to commit now ( obviously totally fine) I don't need them to have him but I appreciated the extra help when they offered. I think they are giving me a huge hint and maybe I need to take the lead and just say it's not happening anymore.

Ahh, I feel you. I have a 10 month old and his grandparents on both sides are a little younger than yours (early to mid 50’s) and they love having him but I’m very conscious that he’s quite hard work just in that he’s not very mobile, needs to be entertained rather than can entertain himself and is very heavy to pick up and carry (especially if you’re not used to doing it every day - my arms are beginning to resemble the Hulk). I would try not to take it personally and I would hope they will be more involved when he is older and can walk/communicate with them etc.

I get what you mean though, it would be a lot easier if they were just honest with you rather than cancelling at the last minute.

i think you’ve hit the nail on the head here

Surely you understand that you can look after school age children when you are ill, but not an 8mo? Worse comes to worse with school age children, even young ones, you chuck them a packet of biscuits, chips etc and plonk them in front of a tv if it’s only here and there when you are sick. No way you can do that with an 8mo.

Also, they may have forgotten the baby stage and now realise the amount of work. I’m still working but I couldn’t do babies/toddlers/young children on a regular basis now, it really could only be a once off in an emergency. I could do from 6/7 up quite happily though, but who knows by the time I stop working even that may not work?

Grandparents often overcommit first time around and then realise that there will be multiple families/children and they are getting older, they can't reduce commitments without their being uproar and they are stuck.

Yep. I've seen it happen with friends, and it's another reason why I don't do regular childcare for the first of my daughters to have kids. I'll always step up for random days when shifts clash, or for emergencies/appointments/whatever. But anything I commit to, I'd need to be able to offer the other daughter if she has children. And I'm already in my mid 60s and finding it really tiring.

A similar thing happened to me, my mum initially asked to babysit my dc regularly but almost straight away she realised she didn't enjoy it. Instead of just saying it was too much, she started fussing, making excuses and complaining. It made it awkward.

What I did and recommend you do is I just took it out of her hands and stopped organising it. We didn't have a conversation about it - in fact she has never mentioned that or any sort of babysitting again, that was three years ago.

Looking after a baby that's not yours is harder than looking after your own. I have 4 kids and if I had to look after a baby now I would struggle.

Probably better if they came to your house and helped looked after him with you there so you could still get stuff done but you could step in when needed. Or they could come shopping/run errands with you. And then go for a coffee or a walk together.

They get to spend time with their GC and you get an extra pair of hands.

Why do you think others should be responsible for you & your partners children?
You're fortunate if they do want to but your in-laws obviously don't. It's not a right.

Thing is, op, if you’re feeling a bit ropey, you can sit school age children in front of the tv, and give them easy, snacky meals once in a while. You can’t do that with an 8 month old, who will be much more labour intensive. If you think they’re making it up, though, best to have a conversation about it, as you say, otherwise things will just fester.

It's really tough on you that your partner works away 5 d

Sorry you’re experiencing this OP, I don’t understand some of the harsh responses here.

Asking for them to mind your child while you go to a wedding is not an unreasonable request given it’s a special event that doesn’t happen very often. I too would feel hurt in your shoes. It’s not unreasonable to ask family for support and feel hurt when they say no.

Are the other kids their daughter’s children? My in-laws definitely do more for their daughter’s children than their sons because they’ve always been much closer. It might be that.

I wouldn't go straight in and say it's not happening any more. Maybe ask if they just want to let you know each week if they want to look after him or not?

Maybe the gps are too embarrassed to say an 8 month old is too much for them to handle
But don't want to say it in case you think they favour the older children
I would ask them op
It is better to know why then assume

That sounds like a good idea if they're keen on that?

Hi op. My husband also works away between 5 days and 6 months at a time.

I wouldn't want to look after an 8 month baby.

As others have said school age kids are easier but still hard work if they aren't your own.

Maybe once your LO is older they may have him more?

My eldest is 12. My MIL has looked after them once between 3-5.30. She's retired and lives 10 minute drive away.

Yeah, I think they probably don't.

I'd make alternative arrangements. Maybe a reciprocal arrangement with another mum, or an afternoon with a childminder.

It sounds like the novelty of looking after a baby - nappies, feeding, naps etc - has worn off. Babies are a real tie and a bit boring at that age.

School age dcs are much more fun and less work. You can go out visiting, play games, have conversations.

Don't be hurt. In a few years your children will be at the cute fun stage and their cousins will be surly grunting teenagers. What goes around comes around 😊

I agree with the others that its possible they have realised its too much as hes so young. They may be fearful to tell you this as they don't want to show favoritism.

I sympathise because we don't have practice family help and it can be really tough.

As others have also said often grandparents commit all they can to the first born grandchild and struggle then to fit in the others without upset or making themselves ill.

As an aside, my eldest dc who is not even first born grandchild is seemingly favored by all sets of grandparents and I bet this annoys my siblings /in laws but what they don't understand is the circumstances that surround why this is the case. All circumstances and children are different. While grandparents don't love my dc any more than the others they are bonded more and spend more time with her than the others.

Babies are hard work. People also lose condition at different rates: just because one 60- year old can watch her infant grandchild does not mean another can do the same. One thing I would keep in mind is that the ability of an older person to lift, balance, and walk without falling is one of the things that is very variable at this age. You don't want grandma to drop the baby or trip over on top of him/her.

My own Gm did alot of childcare during the holidays and I remember cousins of all ages also stayed over too. But my gm cared for us with her own rules. Now, there's lists and routines, parents getting upset over petty things and fussy eaters, specific foods, wanting GP's to do activities every single minute, etc. I think that makes it much harder and people more reluctant. My neighbor was asked this by her son and dil who then provided a detailed schedule. She told them where to go and rightly so.