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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by DH comments about DD wellbeing

34 replies

bendywendy26 · 25/06/2022 19:23

First-time poster here, so please go easy!
I’ve been with my DH for 17 years, so I sometimes find it difficult to put his behaviour into context as I’m so used to it. Would appreciate an outside perspective.

He has occasionally in the past been verbally abusive, and has a bad temper. Refuses counselling for this or couples counselling. He drinks too much and can be argumentative if he has had a bottle of wine. We have a DD (9) and DS (2). Recently he has accused me on a couple of occasions of jeopardising my DD’s wellbeing. I find this an incredibly hurtful thing to say and I’m sure I am not doing this, and that is really wrong for him to say this.

Most recent example - DD off school on Friday as a bit run down and very tired (no underlying illnesses, just ready for the end of term). I had already started organising our friends to come over for lunch one day this weekend, discussed together with DH and decided Saturday was the better day so Sunday could be a chill-day and DD could go back to school refreshed. Friends couldn’t do Saturday, so I tried to discuss with DH possibility of Sunday. My thinking was that DD could have Saturday as chill-day and be “recovered” and it would then be ok to do lunch on the Sunday. Apparently this is me trying to organise something that would be detrimental to our DD, and jeopardise her wellbeing.

YABU - I should not even have considered having friends for lunch on Sunday, given that we had already discussed that Saturday was our preferred day, and knowing that DD was a bit run down/tired.
YANBU - having friends over for lunch on Sunday would not jeopardise our DD’s wellbeing.

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 25/06/2022 19:54

I think you are far too soft if you think being a bit run down and tired requires a day off school and a full day of the weekend to be 'recovered' from.

Also that if you really want to look out for your DD's welfare, she shouldn't be living with an abusive alcoholic who uses her as a stick to beat you with and is completely unwilling to change.

Really, OP, your life is much much harder work than it needs to be.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 25/06/2022 19:58

If she is living will a man who is abusive to her Mum then yes you are jeopardising her well being.

sjxoxo · 25/06/2022 20:00

I think you have a far bigger issue in that you & your 2 DC are living with someone you have labelled abusive & who won’t seek help. I think his comments about your plans are the least of your problems here.. xxxx

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2022 20:03

YABU for staying with a verbally abusive, bully of a man who drinks too much and has a bad temper. Do you think this is not impacting your kids? The damage will be lifelong, I assure you.

bakewellbride · 25/06/2022 20:05

Forget the whole lunch on Sunday dilemma - it's irrelevant- and take a look at the bigger picture: you're exposing your dd to this man by continuing be with him. Bad tempered and verbally abusive. If my dh was like that he'd be out the door because I put my children first.

ManateeFair · 25/06/2022 20:06

An argument about which day to have lunch with friends is the least of your worries to be honest.

anybloodyname · 25/06/2022 20:07

Notanotherwindow · 25/06/2022 19:54

I think you are far too soft if you think being a bit run down and tired requires a day off school and a full day of the weekend to be 'recovered' from.

Also that if you really want to look out for your DD's welfare, she shouldn't be living with an abusive alcoholic who uses her as a stick to beat you with and is completely unwilling to change.

Really, OP, your life is much much harder work than it needs to be.

This

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/06/2022 20:10

Your husband is totally unreasonable and probably just looking for a way to stop you having friends over.

It is not normal for a healthy 9 year old to be tired and run down just because it is nearly the end of term, nor should she (or anyone) need a day resting after having friends over for lunch.

What is really going on in your home?

MolliciousIntent · 25/06/2022 20:22

Yes, you're jeopardizing her well-being. Stop teaching her that this is a normal way to live, and stop inflicting her alcoholic father on her.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/06/2022 20:24

If he genuinely thinks your daughter is so fragile that a lunch with friends at the weekend will jeopardise her wellbeing, then he needs to take her to the doctors

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 25/06/2022 20:29

Being kind, he is anxious and feeling fragile and projecting that on to your daughter. Being unkind, he is a controlling twat who is likely to be jeopardizing her wellbeing himself.

girlmom21 · 25/06/2022 20:29

I don't understand why Sunday isn't ok if Saturday is but I also don't understand why you decided she needed a rest day once your friends had declined Saturday.

Are you generally just bickering for the sake of it?

BornIn78 · 25/06/2022 20:31

None of this is normal or functional - not your husband’s behaviour or a 9 year old needing days off school for no reason then a day to recover from lunch with friends. You need to get your daughter to a GP.

CallOnMe · 25/06/2022 20:53

I think you have a far bigger issue in that you & your 2 DC are living with someone you have labelled abusive & who won’t seek help. I think his comments about your plans are the least of your problems here.. xxxx

I agree!

I think it’s ridiculous that this is even an issue.
This obviously isn’t a happy relationship or home life.

I completely understand sometimes needing a day off to chill/recover.
I have done this for my DD who needs a day just to sleep and sort of mentally catch up with herself.

But if she’s having a day off from school, she doesn’t need another day to chill out. And if it’s just a lunch then she can chill out all evening.

What is the atmosphere like when you’re friends come round?
I wouldn’t like to come round with someone like your DH there.

Wolfiefan · 25/06/2022 20:56

Yep living with an abusive alcoholic is a far far bigger issue.

Original poster
bendywendy26 · 25/06/2022 21:29

Thank you for your replies.

I struggle with knowing if he actually is verbally abusive. There are the obvious times where he has gone into a rage and shouted that I am everything bad under the sun. This hasn’t happened for a while.

But what about generally regularly raising his voice and saying “ f* you”. Is that abuse or someone who is frustrated?

And getting cross again the day after the argument, when I have retreated into my shell for self-preservation, accusing me of being unemotional.

I have nearly asked him to go multiple times. Every time I think it’s worth one more chance for the kids’ sake of growing up with their dad. But I do worry that DD has some kind of mild anxiety from hearing us argue (sometimes I stay calm but sometimes the stuff he says is soooo unreasonable I give in and argue back).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2022 21:45

bendywendy26 · 25/06/2022 21:29

Thank you for your replies.

I struggle with knowing if he actually is verbally abusive. There are the obvious times where he has gone into a rage and shouted that I am everything bad under the sun. This hasn’t happened for a while.

But what about generally regularly raising his voice and saying “ f* you”. Is that abuse or someone who is frustrated?

And getting cross again the day after the argument, when I have retreated into my shell for self-preservation, accusing me of being unemotional.

I have nearly asked him to go multiple times. Every time I think it’s worth one more chance for the kids’ sake of growing up with their dad. But I do worry that DD has some kind of mild anxiety from hearing us argue (sometimes I stay calm but sometimes the stuff he says is soooo unreasonable I give in and argue back).

Your children are trapped in that toxic household because you won't take action. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but it's the truth. Of course your daughter's anxiety is due to this. The poor thing is always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always walking on eggshells in her own home.

It's your responsibility to put an end to this cycle of abuse.

bakewellbride · 25/06/2022 21:54

"Every time I think it’s worth one more chance for the kids’ sake of growing up with their dad."

My mum used to think this and as a result never left her partner (who wasn't my father but who she decided should play the role). I had a terrible childhood in so many ways. She failed to protect me and chose to put her partner first every time and stand by him. I had a total mental health crisis and our relationship broke down. Nearly a decade of no contact with my mother now. I rebuilt my life and am happy now but it was hard.

You can be like my mother was and delude yourself that 2 parents stuck together is best or you can do what's really right and walk away. Sorry for the blunt tone but your post has really struck a nerve with me for obvious reasons. You don't have to be like my mum - you can make a different choice.

HayfeverSniff · 25/06/2022 22:07

With regards to your original post- I don't think you were being unreasonable to suggest a day change but it might be that DH had liked the idea of Sunday being for relaxing (maybe he's also tired?) so he overreacted. I'm not making an excuse for his behaviour though.

From the sounds of things, your relationship with DH isn't healthy for your or the children. Your DH shouldn't regularly be getting so cross that he needs to swear about you and you shouldn't be spoken to in that way either. Something isn't going right with your communication so you probably need to sit down and talk about it away from the children when both of you are calm.

Make it clear what you won't tolerate (i.e. being sworn at or about) and establish whether he does still have respect for you or not. That might help you to decide the next step.

Valeriekat · 27/06/2022 00:09

He is an abusive man who shouts and swears at you. An adult shouldn't need telling not to shout at his partner. Accusing you of being unemotional shows that he trying to get a reaction from you.
Leave him he is horrible.

Original poster
bendywendy26 · 27/06/2022 07:27

We’ve talked so many times about the shouting and swearing not being ok. It sometimes changes for a while then always goes back to it. But I’ve told myself everyone has their faults…..

I told him last night that I saw no future for our relationship. We then argued for a bit, which woke up the kids. I went up to bed - we co-sleep so I was then asleep with the kids either side of me when he came up to bed at 3am. He got into bed then started asking me if I really wanted him to leave his children, over and over again, woke up the kids, DD started crying. I asked him to stop, told him what he was doing was really distressing for the children, he still kept asking it till my DD told him “Daddy stop”.
This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this - last time I was asleep with them and he kept coming in and putting the main light on to ask/shout something at me.

I feel devastated about what I am about to put them through, but I can’t go on allowing my DD to think it is ok to accept this kind of behaviour.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/06/2022 07:30

Separation is the best thing for everyone. He'll willingly upset your children and disturb their sleep to upset you. He's a nasty bully.

Haus1234 · 27/06/2022 07:32

I think you’re making the right decision here OP, that sounds very distressing for your children.

Blahburst · 27/06/2022 07:32

You’re about to rescue them. Good luck x

Ragruggers · 27/06/2022 07:34

Please this time end this terrible relationship,your children will carry this behaviour with them for the rest of their lives.Poor little children,you must put their needs at the front of your mind and make plans today not tomorrow.Do you own,rent, work have your own money?Today is the day you start to get this together it will not get better.Good luck.