To be upset by DH comments about DD wellbeing

[bendywendy26]

First-time poster here, so please go easy!
I’ve been with my DH for 17 years, so I sometimes find it difficult to put his behaviour into context as I’m so used to it. Would appreciate an outside perspective.

He has occasionally in the past been verbally abusive, and has a bad temper. Refuses counselling for this or couples counselling. He drinks too much and can be argumentative if he has had a bottle of wine. We have a DD (9) and DS (2). Recently he has accused me on a couple of occasions of jeopardising my DD’s wellbeing. I find this an incredibly hurtful thing to say and I’m sure I am not doing this, and that is really wrong for him to say this.

Most recent example - DD off school on Friday as a bit run down and very tired (no underlying illnesses, just ready for the end of term). I had already started organising our friends to come over for lunch one day this weekend, discussed together with DH and decided Saturday was the better day so Sunday could be a chill-day and DD could go back to school refreshed. Friends couldn’t do Saturday, so I tried to discuss with DH possibility of Sunday. My thinking was that DD could have Saturday as chill-day and be “recovered” and it would then be ok to do lunch on the Sunday. Apparently this is me trying to organise something that would be detrimental to our DD, and jeopardise her wellbeing.

YABU - I should not even have considered having friends for lunch on Sunday, given that we had already discussed that Saturday was our preferred day, and knowing that DD was a bit run down/tired.
YANBU - having friends over for lunch on Sunday would not jeopardise our DD’s wellbeing.

Thanks for messages- they are helping - I am wobbling as he has come down this morning all calm and reasonable. And he loves the kids and is a good dad in so many ways.
But the cycle never ends

He isn't a good dad though, is he? Does a good dad do what he did last night?

Keep those eyes open and divorce him.

Of course he is being calm and reasonable! No one is capable of being unpleasant all of the time, there will always be the nice moments. And you will have a tendency to latch onto them because that's the him that you love, that you want and that you have kept choosing to believe is good enough to outweigh the bad.

But it isn't. And he isn't that person. That's just a part of him. The other bits, the bits where he shouts and swears, rages, looms over his sleeping wife and small scared children and berates them - that is also part of him and that's enough for you to know that you need to leave him, that you are more than justified in leaving him and that you NEED to leave him before your children are damaged further.

I was you a decade ago. Once I was out I realised that there was so much more manipulative and abusive stuff that hadn't even registered because when you are in it, living it, you only really notice the big bad stuff. I promise that once you are away from this man you will see a change in your children. It'll be like they've been holding their breath this whole time and have finally breathed out. And you'll see a change in you, because you'll realise the extent of what you have been living with and normalising for all these years.

Be strong. You need to do this. You have an army of amazing strong women standing right beside you as you do this. Reach out to womens aid if you think it will help.

Be prepared for him to escalate if he thinks you are leaving so I would do it quietly and without letting him know it's coming. For your safety. I had packed the basics and hidden them and then one day when he was out I left with the DCs. I went back with friends to retrieve the rest of my stuff.

Some of your DD's behaviour could be down to her feeling she needs to protect you from your DH. Maybe talk to women's aid to get some perspective on your relationship and support if you decide to leave.

He is not a good dad OP, most parents at least try to protect DC from arguments but it sounds like he's fine with poor DD.being stuck right in the middle of it all

Don't stay with a man who is verbally abusive, has a violent temper and drinks too much and behave like a bully.

Leave him for your sake and the sake of your kids.

Off on a tangent now but cosleeping with a nine-year-old? Which as you said is inevitably drawn her into inappropriate conversations and situations. Coupled with you both giving her a day off school and a chill day just because she seemed a little bit tired. It’s too intense. Have you previously sought help to create more healthy relationships. It might be a good idea.

Oh. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and probably not good for any of you, but based on this one question, I'm not sure either of you are doing her any good.

A day off is a bit OTT in the first place, but to plan your entire weekend around her "recovery" when she's not even ill?

But what about generally regularly raising his voice and saying “ f* you”. Is that abuse or someone who is frustrated?

I would ask what happens after that. Do you try to de-escalate? For me, I'd go mad if someone spoke to me like that and wouldn't put up with it. Are you scared what would happen if you shout at him?