Anyone have a friend who needs leading by the hand for everything?

[URaflutteringcunt]

You ask if they want to go out, they can’t decide on a date, they give no offers of where they want to go, even when provided with a list of places they ask where you want to go, even when the place is decided they ask you how to get there, they ask you where to park, they ask you for the menu, they ask what you’ll be having, they ask what the dress code is, they ask what time it starts, they ask how far to walk from the car park, they ask how much do you think it’ll be for the night…

all of it provided and easily found with a simple Google check. It’s exhausting. And then they pick at the food, look awkward and say mmm it’s ok. With no input in to the evening whatsoever. It’s almost like they take no responsibility so they can say, I didn’t pick it.

Let her take the lead. Stop suggesting nights out.

No, I don't have any friends like this, because all my friends are functioning adults. Does your friend have some hidden disabilities perhaps?

I have. We would never go out. I don’t think she ever goes out without someone organising it and despite the effort involved, I do want to see her.

YANBU for being irritated by this.

But why do you still see this friend? It may be harsh, but I wouldn't go to this much effort for someone I found such hard work.

She has no hidden disabilities at all. She has a very good job where Google skills are required. She is a very clever person. I firmly believe it’s to have no responsibility over the place/night and so she can say “you always want to be in charge”. When I would love for her to say she definitely wants to go somewhere. It’s like a martyr thing.

Yeah, I choose not to hang out with martyrs tbh. Life is too short.

I’m part of a group of four friends and one of the women is like this. Despite knowing her for 15 years she has never once suggested or arranged an outing.
Fortunately because there are four of us the other three of us do all of the organising, so it not all down to me.
I do find it really irritating though.

She does suggest going out. But never offers a place. Ever. No input. Just I’m ok with whatever but she isn’t really.

Not any more because I restrict my friendships to people that I don't have to babysit. It may be unreasonable and possibly unkind, but I just can't be arsed with people like this. I've brought up two children to be functioning adults that's enough for me.

So say to her I’d love to meet up but it’s always me doing all the choosing and I’m all out of ideas! So can you please decide on a restaurant and book a table? Thanks!

If she says no or just defers and postpones and prevaricates then you know for sure she will never do it. Then you can decide if you’re going to be restaurant mummy for her for ever, or not.

Curious why you say you still want to see her. I could understand it (despite her doing nothing) because you can still enjoy her company once there. But as soon as you said you think she does it so she came blame you, and because she likes to have a pop at you always needing to be in charge… fuck that. That’s not a nice person. So - why bother?

If you really do insist on seeing her (god knows why) there is a really easy way to do it.

1. always go to the same place


2. refuse to answer questions about dress code / parking etc because you know she knows


3. any complaints about the place: either you have to genuinely not give a shit about that, or you stop meeting her

This is an excellent suggestion. Get the ball into her court see what happens.

I'm up front with people about my need to ask a million questions. However, I always try my best to research anything myself first - it's not rocket science.

However, this sounds more like my partner to an extent - who is waiting for an ADHD assessment. Except he won't martyr himself the majority of the time. Just cannot or will not plan anything himself.

I hate it because despite being medicated for my ADHD, I'm also rearing two ADHD kids (not his), and he comes across completely incompetent to do the simplest thing himself and makes me feel really worthless because he never ever takes any initiative.

Giant 50 year old third child.

I'm not the easiest friend to have, but a lot of my questions are because I'm also disabled, and many places aren't actually as accessible as they advertise they are, I have so much forward planning just for myself, in any situation.

If you're actually really easy going when it comes to activities, food, etc - be blunt. Say it would be great to do something with you, I'm free on list dates and you let me know where to be and when/ when to come over to hers. Every question she asks about what you want, bat it back with 'dont mind, surprise me' etc.

Eventually she may possibly get the hint, or learn some confidence, etc

I think part of me wonders if she isn’t such a nice person, and I don’t want to think that, I’m not ready to accept it. It’s definitely avoidance of some kind.

I have said to her why don’t you ever suggest anything and she will say “you like to do the organising” so best case scenario she thinks we have fallen in to these roles but I don’t want the role. I’ve been squeezed in to it. I think I like the suggestion of always going to the same place and not answering any questions.

Are you sure your friend isn’t my Mum? She sounds identical, with the added bonus that anything I do/cook/clean/buy for her is wrong, or anything that may or not happen during a day out can only be my fault (up to & including trains being delayed, because I am obviously the human embodiment of Network Rail).

Heaven forbid Mum takes responsibility for anything!

The way I handle it is to tell her if she doesn’t like it, it’s her turn to organise things next time. Or, if she does come with me for whatever outing, if she doesn’t like it, she can go home. We’re not, after nearly 50 years, quite at the stage of her organising anything, but I hope your friend is slightly easier to nudge into shape.

It’s utterly draining having to do all the thinking for an otherwise intelligent & independent adult.

Oh, and I’ve learnt to say that I’m not going to deal with her huffing if she doesn’t like what she’s eating, or where we’ve gone, likewise if her face looks like a bulldog licking piddle of a nettle.

So she wants you around so she can cast you in the role of overbearing friend who makes all the choices, and she can be the passive martyr. What do you get out of hanging around with someone you disparage as a bit of a useless whining martyr and possibly not a nice person? I wonder if each of you is using the other to feel either put-upon or superior, and that’s why you still hang out.

I've met a couple of people like this but tbh the friendship didn't last long as I didn't have a lot of patience for it!

I've had this and finally texted back and said "I'm not google!"

Became a joke but seemed to do the trick!

It’s not this; I don’t feel superior, I feel like please do something independently. everytime she texts about going out I try to lead her in to admitting what she wants or making a decision. I would love for her to suggest something, when I do see her it’s fun (if there are no problems with the place). I know she is like this with other friends too. It’s just her personality to go along with the others.

I might make a deal with myself to do it this last time and then push it back and see where it goes.

I do know what you mean. I offered one of my friends a free ticket to something the other week, asking ‘Do you fancy coming to this at the Coach and Horses?’ and sending her a link to music night at the Coach and Horses. On the night my train was delayed, so I’d messaged saying I thought I’d still be on time, but that she might be better off going straight there rather than meeting me at the station.

’I don’t know where we’re going tho, lol’.
’The Coach and Horses. Do you know where X is? By there’.
’No, never been’.
’Okay… as long as you don’t mind waiting for me, but Rachel just messaged and she’s already there if you want some company’.
’Where tho lol’.
’At the venue’ [Cue me inserting 17 mental exclamation marks and wondering why she can’t just type it into Google Maps]

Finally she says ’I will Google it’ as if she invented the idea. I arrive at the station and she’s still milling around in a state of confusion.

I promise I love her really 😁🥰

I honestly couldn't be bothered with someone like this.

You should both be sharing the "load" of booking and organising things - why does she think it's acceptable for it all to fall to you?

I've repeatedly gone on holiday with someone like this (we live in different countries so it's the best way to spend time together). I put up with their uselessness because they are generally very good company, fun, and don't moan about what I've organised.

This year was the last time though - every single decision and responsibility was left to me, which didn't give me a stress free holiday. And they had a tantrum at one point which included the line 'why does everything have to be done to YOUR schedule'. Which was around when I decided 'never again'.

Why are they like that? I don't know. They have a responsible job, which they manage, but are always freaking out over. Everything is 'difficult' for them, zero patience or ability to withstand any frustration or ability to look ahead.

Next time she says that you like organising, say no I don’t.

Or when she asks to meet up, say straight away, you choose this time,, and keep pushing it back to her