My 9 year daughter behaviour

[Justmeoriamlost39]

AIBU my 9 year old daughter behaviour is getting the best of us. We lose the calm and the cool, we put her on time out, grounded, no games no phone etc.

Her behaviour is unreal .

Talk with us with attitude like she know better.

Shopping times in family - she is bored then makes a face like she been forced to be there ( she can't stay at home alone ) oblivious.

Days out in family same behaviour - or before we leave home she begins with I don't want to go, or she do something that lets us very stress .

Well any type of entertainment that is not about her she behave badly .

And cause argument

We have, 6 months boy, 2 years old girl and her .

I am not sure if is normal anymore or if just her.

Any advice?
Tia

when she being rude at home or giving you attitude, give one clear warning. If she carries on then just remove her from the room, but no talking to her, no engagement at all.

When she’s pulling a face or moaning when you are out and about - totally ignore her. Do not answer, no engagement.

Your 9 yo has a phone?

Thank you

Yes just to play with her friends and talk while they play

Don’t most 9 year olds have a phone, no issue there really.
Girls can start puberty at 9 so that could be one thing to think about, my dd’s behaviour was grim between the ages of 9-11, mouthy, answered back and was rude. The tween years were harder than the teen years by far. She started her periods at 11. Maybe hormones?

Jealous of her siblings, there’s quite a gap so she was no 1 for a long time. It’s ok
sharing mum with one baby but hard going sharing with 2. I personally wouldn’t be too harsh with her. She could be acting out for attention.

Start with your behaviour toward her though, because you're far more in control of your feelings and behaviour than she is of hers.

When did things start to change - she has two very young siblings so its reasonable to suspect that she isn't getting anywhere near the attention she was getting prior to them.

How often do you remind her that she is the older one, that she is more grown up than them, that she has more responsibilities to do whatever, behave better etc?

How often are you asking her to wait for your attention?

How often does she have to come along with and take part in some activity that is deadly boring or aimed at babies?

Can you give some actual examples of the unreal behaviour?

What does she say when she's being rude/giving attitude?

The looks and eye rolls you just ignore. Either she's being a bit spoilt and "oh I'm so hard done by" or she's genuinely unhappy/bored in those situations and hasn't learned to hide it on her face yet.

I mean to be fair, shopping is really boring - you surely can’t fault her for being bored if she has no choice but to be there.

Does she get any time just with you or her other parent?

Thats quite an age gap you have there. Shopping is boring, must you take her (rather than let her have 1:1 time with the other parent)?
Are family outings geared to all the children or more the younger two? With something like a trip to the park, could she maybe bring a friend?

As for the rest, my advice is to ignore what you can and pick a few things to work on. And make sure she gets 1:1 time with you both.

9 year olds can be stroppy. Its normal. Maybe you should try making time specifically for her. I let my 9 year old stay up downstairs with me when the little ones go to bed and watch 'grown up' tv like a series on Netflix his siblings wouldn't be interested in.

Shopping is boring, my 9yo eye rolls too. I don't take the kids unless I have to and if I have to, I bribe them with the promise of sweets or some vbucks.

You don't speak nicely about her, you have 2 other little ones but she is still your baby too.

Why is she dragged along to go shopping? It doesn't need to be a family outing.

A 9 year old is always going to be bored/miserable on a day out that doesn't cater to them.

Hi,

With such a big age gap, does she share the same dad as the little ones?

And some 9yo's are happy to do as they are told!!
Seriously phones in primary school aren't great.
I am by no means a strict dm but my dc didn't get a phone until secondary school.. Navigating friendships irl are difficult but expecting a primary school dc to manage phone friendships is nuts.

I can't imagine any teacher or health care professional condoning them having one so young.

“Shopping times in family - she is bored then makes a face like she been forced to be there”

What do you mean like she’s been forced? She’s spot on there!

Some examples would help, but on that post I’d say 50/50:

• normal 9yo attitude and you’re the adult that should manage that without losing your cool


• she probably is getting the rough end of things, having to fit in around much younger children.

She sounds very normal to me. Shopping is boring - as pp have suggested can she be left with one parent? As for her facial expressions - you ignore those. She is under no obligation to be smily faced and happy looking all the time, that's unreasonable.

What exactly do you mean by 'attitude'? That word gives me shivers because my DH used to use it about our DDs and it meant 'doesn't agree with me and isn't submissive and compliant'. She's allowed her own opinions and is allowed to express them - she needs to do it politely though. Is that where you are, or are you on the authoritarian end of parenting?

That said, I found 9 hard with both of my DDs, far harder than the teen years.

Thank you I will keep in mind

I have an almost 9 year old boy. The level of cheek has escalated over the last year - I think there is very much testing of boundaries going on, plus he's been through a bit of a growth spurt and if he is tired / hungry the cheek / upset is 100x worse than usual. I pick my battles these days. I think it's a tricky age - part of the time I feel like I'm living with a mini teenager and then it is like he regresses and he's 5 again. Weird.

My DS has had a phone since he turned 8 and started walking to school / friends houses by himself. It's no big deal. It's completely locked down except for emergencies

Thank you, sure she have her opinion we don't challenge her and we agree when is fair, sometimes is not politely and is where the attitude (I know better comes in ) from her.

Questionned the parents us, when we say she need to clean her bedroom and to do little shore for her own good of learn .

That's where you are wrong and I do agree they shouldn't have them but primary school Children here and we get emails to just monitor their usage and make sure they know what to watch for. They just send out emails saying we know its half tern and kids will be on phones tablets more and just to keep them safe etc. Not saying don't give then or ket then have them. Most do now! Lockdown changed everything

DD's homework is still all online, not just that , but a lot of it requires apps or extensive research(stupid ass school). So she needs a device. An ipad with facetime ability and messaging is no different to a phone. I do check it regularly and listen in to her calls , she always asks if she can join or before getting an app or anything that is not routine/approved before hand. It works for us and keeps her connected academically and socially. Have there ever been issues? Yes. Something that spilled from school into the phone and I wouldn't ever have known about(or too late) if I hadn't seen those messages because DD kept it all in.

We are having similar changes with our 8 nearly 9 year old DD she is the complete opposite of her older sister who is so quiet and has never pushed a boundary in her life 😂

She is very opinionated and vocal about what she likes/doesn’t and I actually praise her for that and tell her I find it a great part of her personality however she can overstep the mark with this and come across as rude or ungrateful at times. This is when I just tell her straight that the way she is behaving is unacceptable. She will always try to argue back so I try my best to control my emotions as the adult and not react.

I find that sometimes we can label our children as having a bad ‘attitude’ etc when it’s just a natural phase of childhood and there is almost always a reason. Do you praise her often and make time for just her? A good trick is to praise them out loud to somebody else whilst you know she can hear you but without it being obvious if that makes sense? This can really boost their confidence and teach them to talk positively about others even when they are not there.

All about self esteem and sometimes an attitude may just be them feeling insecure but being unable to communicate it appropriately- children need to be able to ‘unwind’ in their own home and to feel it is a secure place to do so.

Best of luck and hope things calm for you all x

Questionned the parents us, when we say she need to clean her bedroom and to do little shore for her own good of learn .

Are you expecting silent compliance? Most kids whinge about doing chores, you just ignore it and link it to sanctions eg no tv til its done. Have you tried linking some chores to her pocket money?

Same here I get I don't care all the time we discovered there was a problem qt school with a girl which was the underlying cause. I go her q go he ry card qnd she does 3 tasks q week to get the pocket money so if she doesn't do it no Money rather than taking this,away

Does she have the same Dad as the little ones?