How do you spread time between baby and older child?

[Labdo]

I feel like I never see my 7 year old and it’s making me really down. I do the school run every morning so I get that hour with her while husband spends time with the baby but then that’s it really. She does after school clubs and when she gets home it’s dinner and bath, which they do together, then she vanishes until I have baby fed and into bed. By this point I’m exhausted and need to have my own dinner and catch up on paperwork etc. I feel awful when she asks to play ring fit together for example but I’m just so tired and I want to sit. We watch a film together some nights but on a school night we only have an hour before it’s time for her to go to bed. I just feel so bad that she spends so much time on her own. She’s happy, and doesn’t seem at all bothered it’s just me really.

Just wandering if there was some really obvious thing I’m missing here or if this is just life now until the baby is older.

Bump?

No solutions but I'm in the same situation with my 10 year old. I'm always off feeding the baby or putting her to bed etc. feel guilty not to spend time with her. However she is of an age where actually she wants to spend time with her friends so I make sure she has plenty going on and I try to be there when she gets home, involve her in baby care/playing (she loves this) and make an effort to read her a story or whatever of i can. Also I figure it won't be long until the baby is going to bed earlier and sleeping better (ha ha) and we'll be able to hang out more. And then she'll be a teenager and won't want to have anything to do with me 😂

Why does she do the after school clubs if she could be at home with you then?

It sounds like a normal juggle OP so don’t feel too guilty!
Could you suggest as less tiring activity that you could do together for some bonding time- maybe a large puzzle, drawing together, board game etc? You’d get that chat and connection that watching tv together doesn’t give you without leaping about to ring fit!

Because she wants to?

I just find her age very tiring which isn’t helping! She’s so lovely but she doesn’t come up for air when she’s talking about Minecraft bless her

She does after school clubs every day?

Yes she does

Well I think your DD should carry on going to after school clubs every day, especially if she enjoys them. Maybe carve out a couple of hours each weekend to spend time just the two of you while DH looks after baby?

Ok that’s unusual I can see why you feel like you never have any time with her then.

yeah I don’t want to take her away from her clubs, she loves them!

It’s difficult because my husband is only really around 2 days a week and those are school days so she’s not here. Saturday mornings we go out together just the two of us. I think it’s just the evenings I find hard. I feel guilty that she spends them alone while I’m sorting out the baby. But I guess it can’t really be helped.

I have time with my 5year old before bed. We have a picture book story with my youngest, say goodnight and then my eldest comes into my bed and we do his school reading book plus a chapter of something like Roald Dahl. We'll often chat then (because he's trying to extend bedtime!) and it's a nice bit of quality time . Sometimes it's only 20 minutes but it's just him and a parent every night.

I try to make a point of having a special 1:1 day with him in all school holidays as well. We've done long (for him) walks in the Lake District, visits to museum, lunch and cinema days etc. Often things have to revolve around my youngest so it's good to do these more grown up things with him too.

Try to have just ten minutes a day devoted to her and her interests. No phone no distractions just her. You can focus even on Minecraft for 10 mins fully if that’s her interest? Call it (her name) special time and if possible increase it or have two 10 mins times a day and your husband too. It’s not quantity it’s quality so you’ll be completely focussed on her nothing else and you set a timer so she gets use to when it ends and your not looking at the clock!

The age gap won't help. My daughter was nearly 3 and she copied everything I did taking care of her brother with her dollies. She was obsessed and absolutely besotted with her new brother. He loved watching everything she did. The first word he said was her name. Asking for her and looking around when she started nursery full time.

@Somethingneedstochange that’s nice for you but not very helpful to the OP is it?

I always popped the baby in a sling to sleep while spending time with my older dc and sorted the baby out once the big one was asleep.

He’s so set in his routine now if I change it he just screams and cries.

I know but might help to get her more involved with caring for baby. My ex husband's daughter was 8 when my daughter was born. She was an only child she wanted to be involved in everything with caring for her new sibling. From giving her a bottle to bathing her. They're still really close now.

It will get easier as your baby gets older OP. Babies need a lot of attention and it's no wonder you're tired.

What time does your Husband get in at night? Could you do bedtime with your Daughter while he has baby and make a point of doing a story or a quick game of something (not physical, like a quick board game or something) before bed? That way you're still getting half an hour or so to spend with her each night before she goes to sleep

My husband doesn’t get home till 11:30 unfortunately! On his days off obviously it’s a lot easier as he will play with her while I get baby to sleep but that’s only one or two days a week.

To be honest the baby doesn’t seem to have any impact on the issue- you have a school age child with extra curricular activities, once you factor in eating, bathing and homework the day is done. It’s life, enjoy the wkends and holidays!

Clubs every day is too much, even if she enjoys them. In the autumn, plan a new routine with fewer clubs and more quality home time. I promise that will be better for her in the long run.

Why don’t you suggest to your daughter you all go to the park one day after school instead of after school club. Perfect time of year for it, and something you could all enjoy.

Agree!

She sounds happy enough and if you get time together at the weekend, definitely make the most of it. But try and dig deep in the week - if she wants to play and you want to sit, you play. Not every time necessarily but make an effort every now and again. You’re tired - a bit more won’t hurt.