To feel so hurt about being ghosted by friend in mutual group?

[Celia24]

I made friends with several people in my old workplace. Myself and one guy got on very well, talked a lot during the lockdowns, had lots in common & also have the same hobby so end up at similar events.

Later in the year, things eased up & we weren't in touch as much. He got a girlfriend and I started seeing a guy.

We remained friends and then I got a new job, he said I'll miss you but we'd still see each other during meet ups. Our main mode of contact has been Instagram. I got in touch lately to ask how he was etc nearly a month ago. He saw it and ignored it but kept watching my stories. Since then I've noticed he has unfollowed me - my profile is private so he cannot see anything about me now.

Essentially I'm left feeling very hurt and disposable. I also feel awkward - our mutual friends have asked me to meet up soon and he is also going. I don't understand why he's behaved like this and it has affected me more than it should. Why do people do this?

Is his new girlfriend possibly a factor?

@Americano75 maybe but why unfollow me and ignore me just for asking how he is doing? We were on good terms last I saw him.

Going out of his way to unfollow and ignore - I know it sounds petty but it is basically his way of saying he has no interest in my life. And it makes me feel uncomfortable about meeting him now in a wider setting.

Probably his girlfriend

Sounds like you’re a work mate and he can’t see the friendship really continuing now you’re not colleagues. I’ve done it, had really close work friends and either they or I have left and after a while I’ve unfollowed them because there’s no point plus I like to keep my SM small and not share my life with people who won’t be interested and vice versa.

Because he's a shitebag?

@Brainfogmcfogface that would make sense if that's all we had in common. Ive definitely had work mates like that.

But we semi regularly met outside of work and we also share the same hobby and will definitely be at similar future events. It was something we didn't have in common with others.

Maybe he feels he doesn't need me since his girlfriend and I feel sad about that. I enjoyed his friendship. I also think ignoring me was fairly unkind and just a bit odd really. But I suppose you might be right.

No matter what the reason, you go along to the planned night and enjoy yourself, if there's an issue it's his, not yours.

He means a lot more to you than you do to him sorry @Celia24 As a pp said, you're just an ex colleague, he now has a girlfriend. and maybe possibly he detected an air of neediness in you. (I don't mean that nastily, but maybe you are giving a 'whhhhy won't you talk to me' vibe...) So that's why he's ghosted you.

Sorry he's done this and it's a hard pill to swallow when someone you like and get on with ditches you from their life. But it's time to move on now. I would block him actually. He's made it patently clear he gives zero shits about you. Don't give him the opportunity to re-follow (which he may do if he and his girlfriend finish.)

Agree.

I mean - I don't think I did. I just asked how he was doing. I suppose he may have seen it differently or 'needy'.

I probably won't block him for now but I'll unfollow in return.

Going as far as unfollowing to me is a hostile act - an 'i really don't give a toss'. It is hurtful because although people are saying you're a mere work colleague, we always were closer colleagues than most of the others. That is how it seemed anyway.

@Americano75 I think I'll just need to try and motivate myself to go. I assume he might bring his girlfriend but if we were alone at any point I probably would touch on it as now it's the elephant in the room.

But overall if I do go if just focus my efforts on our other friends.

That's exactly what you do.

Is it at all possible he had some feelings for you so he's cut you off because he's with someone?

Maybe he simply doesn’t want to live his life via Instagram, or his girlfriend is monitoring his social media so he’s dialled down any interaction with female friends to address any issues between them about it.

I can’t see that his behaviour has been in person, it’s all social media. Go to the event and see how he behaves there, which might give you a clue whether the girlfriend is an influence on him doing this or not.

I did think he might at one point. He always stayed close to me whenever we were out with the group and actually we went out several times together while he had a girlfriend without him telling me about her.

But I had thought we had settled into a nice friendship and he seemed happy with girlfriend. It seems a severe action to take. So far the options are he felt more than friendship or doesn't care at all 😂

Ask him?

@dottypotter I don't think double messaging would be a good look, especially after he unfollowed me. Petty as it may seem, I unfollowed him earlier so now I won't see anything about his life either.

It seems needless to me. As far as I was aware we were actual friends, not just casual work mates. He's clearly changed his mind. I even have exes from years ago I follow and vice versa.

I would honestly only unfollow or block someone I felt had really wronged me. I guess we're all different. I'll miss him. I guess when he said 'I'll miss you' it wasn't sincere.

Go, and style it out. Don’t let him separate you from your friends.

I think PPs suggestion that you were ‘just a work mate’ is bitchy and wrong. You don’t ghost or unfollow people because they are casual friends.

I would assume it’s the girlfriend, either directly or some feeling he has about it. it’s his problem, don’t let it ruin your other relationships.

Yep there's nowt so Queer as folk as they say.

It’ll be the girlfriend in one shape or form. Either she’s directly asked told him to unfollow you. Or he’s just so loved up that he unfollowed you of his own accord 🤷‍♀️ It’s so shitty being ghosted but he’s now shown his true colours. Don’t miss out on all your other friends though.

Hi @BalloonsAndWhistles thanks for your reply. It probably is related to girlfriend.

I did feel very hurt by this as we were close confidantes for a while and I feel the unfollow closes the door on future connection. It seems abrupt and I don't see why there was any need for that.

That said, he won't be the first friend I've lost to a relationship. He moved in with the gf after 6 months so moved pretty quick.

Id wages that you are interested in him as more than a friend and you know that maybe there was something there but neither of you acted on it?

Also sounds like it’s much too late now. He’s moved on…you should have moved on by the sounds of things….you were just work mates and I can see why his new girlfriend might have a problem with him having regular contact with a woman he used to work with…You just need to look at all the threads on here about women being suspicious about their blokes talking to other women at work regularly via social media, text etc.

Sounds like he’s a decent bloke who wants to focus on his new relationship and make sure there aren’t any distractions? Just go out and enjoy yourself and don’t make it weird…..

Honestly you sound like you liked him more than a friend from the hyperbolic language you’re using. “A hostile act” ffs

I’d bet that his girlfriend could sense that and put some much needed boundaries in place.

Ok, thanks for your thoughts on it. In the message I reached out to say hello and ask how he was doing - like I mentioned we still share a friend group and we spent time together outside the work group, so I think to ignore and then unfollow...well yes it is upsetting and it made me feel I'd done something wrong without realising.

I will just forget about him of course but I'll miss his friendship. If I see him in the mutual group in near future I think I'll find that tough, but it probably won't stop me seeing the others. Time to move on as people said.

Clumsy behaviour on his part. He might be one of those ones so over-excited by having a girlfriend at last that he over-reacts to any woman who contacts him, assuming she is in some way a threat to his relationship.