Why do arseholes always succeed?

[Teddansononmyown]

Not an AIBU, just a rant.
Ex has got another promotion. Now earns double what I do. Has managed this incredible career trajectory because he refused to have DD more than 1 night a week for 2 years as "he had to work".
My career stalled and I'm really struggling to get anywhere. Meanwhile, he's rich AF and is now being more involved with DD , which Is great for her but enraging as he seems to just get to pick and choose the life he wants.
I'm so jealous. Its not a good look and I will get over it but it stings. I want to be able to give DD the amazing house, brilliant holidays etc. but i can't. She won't understand that it's because I didn't get the same opportunities because her dad is a selfish twat. She'll just see what he has vs what I can offer and will be so disappointed in me.
Sorry for the pity party. Ugh.
Why do arseholes always prosper when decent folk flounder?

Well at least she will get the experience even if it’s with her father not with you, maybe try to see it that way?

I think that people who are incredibly selfish, don’t care about other people and who are just not very nice, often do well because the rest of us are too busy being nice, picking up the slack, giving the benefit of the doubt, trying to consider others and so on. While we’re all doing that, they just head straight on an pick up all the prizes.

Well usually they’re pretty charming in the first place - you must have seen something in him to have a child with him?

Arseholes don’t exclusively prosper and decent people don’t exclusively get trodden on. Plenty of decent people do well. Just the way of the world innit.

Well if he has her now, now is your opportunity. The more you convince herself that it's his fault you don't earn more, the less you'll do what you want to do.

Its not a competition to who can impress your dd the most. She won't love more the parent who earns more. Do.it for yourself if that's what you want to do and find the way to do it.

My dad was poor but gave me all his time, read me stories, played with me, took me to feed the ducks. My mum showed her love through material things but no affection. I loved my dad more and as an adult mimic my dads parenting rather than my mothers. Money doesn’t mean that much really, she will see it for herself when she has her own children.

If he has her more now, this is your golden opportunity to get ahead op and strive towards your goals.

It's typical isn't it?

Now your child is older can you make up lost time?

I'm sorry this is the case for you op, but it's the way of the world that those who tend to trample over everyone seems to get on or if they fall into dirt they come up smelling of roses ( as they say ) what fishcake below said is so true.
I used to believe in ' karma' but I don't now as I've seen too many selfish people get on well and never seem to have any repercussions for only worrying about themselves etc.
Your Dd may realize this one day too. Your there for her , that is important too and as she grows up and becomes more independent/ older I'm sure your own career will get better in time as well.

So annoying @Teddansononmyown , I don’t blame you for being angry! This is why women often get big divorce settlements even if they weren’t earning as much as the man, because it’s their dedication to their children that makes the man’s successful career a reality.

I think there is a lot to be learned from selfish people though, so maybe use him as an inspiration for what’s possible when you put yourself first? Is there any chance you could make the most of his new found spare time and wealth to start cranking up your own career again? Tell him how great he is and how he’s inspired you to take DD for just one day a week so you can take your career to the next level.
I would just add though, the bond you have with your DD is not going to dissolve because he has more wealth, i remember growing up I knew a few people who had a relatively rich and relatively poor parent set up post divorce. The rich parent was definitely not necessarily the preferred parent at all so I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you.

I think selfish partners consciously or subconsciously choose partners who will put themselves last, their kids first and are sensible, reliable - so they know they will be able to get away with being selfish. Ex is same - not a big earner but won’t have dc before 6pm / after 8am on a weekday (and he only works PT FFS but won’t have them just in case he might one day get more work). All I can I say is by late teens the DC will have figured it out. I see it in that they always come to me for parental advice / help and dad is very much in the ‘mate’ / ‘uncle’ role but not someone they turn to or rely on. They will not be disappointed in you, you will be their rock and safe place. Teens aren’t fooled by flash the cash Disney-dads. Ex has decided to them on a holiday based around his hobby which dc don’t like at a time that’s not convenient for them. It won’t be lost on them whose needs he is prioritising.

I think that most arseholes are manipulative narcissists with sociopathic tendencies. And for some reason, even seemingly nice people sit up and listen and do their bidding. Just look at Hitler! Sorry to just hurl Godwin's Law right into the start of this thread, but it's true. I was talking about this with my DD; from Hitler being able to organise a mass continent-wide genocide (and war!) with the help of his selected goons, to the highly unlikable secondary school bastard bully who can actually get nice people (again, goons) on his/her side to do their dirty work, I have come to the conclusion that arseholes win.
If you watch The Bundy Tapes, you'll hear the judge say at the end of the first trial pretty much words to this effect: too bad you're a mass-murdering arsehole, otherwise I'd happily have you as a lawyer in my own courtroom. Ted Bundy had the ability to get intelligent people eating out of the palm of his hand. He was a dangerous psychopath... and yet, people still had a soft spot for him. He was an arch manipulator and his arrogance was through the roof and yet, he was a bit of a media darling. Look at Johnny Depp. Amber Heard is an arsehole as well, but Johnny Depp is not a nice guy. Let's just be honest. Look at the state of him. And yet, the global sympathy for him is actually quite disturbing. He's no Dr. Evil but he's no good guy either. He is an arsehole, it has to be said. In reality, the very same women hollering their support for him across social media would run a mile from a relationship with such a damaged and manipulative person. And yet... he charmed the public, exceedingly so. It is a phenomenon, the power of the arsehole.
I'm giving you extreme examples here and your ex is far from being a murderous megalomaniac or courtroom showman. But arseholes lack empathy and adopt a me-first, me-foremost attitude, making them into human bulldozers. They're extremely persuasive, charming, selfish, exhausting, manipulative, narcissistic, controlling, and intimidating. People cave to them because they're too much to fend off. Easier to feed the beast than challenge it.
I am also divorced (well, mid-divorce actually) from a mega-arsehole, OP. Mine's in prison for sexually abusing our daughter. This is not Arsehole Top Trumps. But you have all of my sympathy and hugs. Even my ex-arsehole is trying to financially screw the kids and me over from behind bars. It is mind-blowing and disturbing; the lack of compassion, the Me-First/Me-Only/Me-Always mentality that rules their minds. Fortitude and hugs, OP, in large doses.

Comparison is the thief of joy and success is relative...it cannot buy you decent mental health.
Our society is set up to support the success of men at the expense of women.

There ARE successful women out there but many are child free.

If he is a prick she will see it when she is older as he will be selfish with her too probably. Not really what you want either though sadly. Try to rise above it is all you can do. I have the opposite an ex that has nothing and therefore gives nothing which isnt any better.

If he’s now seeing her more can you now do at work what you weren’t able to before?

Two years in a career isn’t so long.

@peterrabbit I love what you said. Over the years looking back those moments that matter weren't material ones. We did the big trips, had fab houses, but we remember stuff like my mum knitting away chatting to us about our day. My dad singing to his record collection when we were up in bed and could hear.
Your DC will remember loving moments rather than material ones

So annoying @Teddansononmyown , I don’t blame you for being angry! This is why women often get big divorce settlements even if they weren’t earning as much as the man, because it’s their dedication to their children that makes the man’s successful career a reality.

YES! And here's a note to anyone divorcing: ALWAYS put this on your form E! make a big noise about sacrificing your career to raise children and run a household so that the high earner doesn't have to outsource things like childcare. Always write down that you've played a huge role in making it possible for the high earner to be a high earner. The high earner usually does not have to outsource childcare because the wife is the resident childminder, cook, cleaner, taxi, therapist, unqualified doctor, gardener, dog walker, cat feeder (when you know, you know), parent who actually attends the parent-teacher meetings, organiser of EVERYTHING, shopper, add anything you like to this list... so many of us do all of this and work too! I think most men are so entitled... not all, but many.

I know I'm being unreasonable and that money isn't everything. I'm just feeling very sorry for myself that I'd reduced my hours when DD was born to facilitate child care and then when we split I was still facilitating his career because he refused to do an even split. You can't force someone to do something they don't want to do so I had to pick up the pieces.
I've recently started a new job (big paycut) in civil service in hope I cam progress to policy. I just lack confidence these days. I'm trying to find ways in but finding it hard. I know I'll never earn what he does in private sector but the flexibility for DD is more important to me.

So if you got to spend more time with your child, and now have the more satisfying job, why are you upset that you don’t also get the money?

It seems that you want all three, and for him to have none of them.

You answered your own question - because they sacrifice other peoples happiness for their own gain.

I’ve been feeling the same as you today OP, although it’s a different situation. Colleague has been coasting for months. Not pulling his weight, turning up late etc whilst others (including me!) have worked really hard. We have a big week of presentations this week and he’s suddenly pulled it out of the bag and is getting loads of compliments when he did hardly any of the preparation.

I know envy isn’t a good look so am just smiling through gritted teeth when he once again gets told he is outstanding, but I’m so annoyed about it.

The world, the business world in particular, is set up for those with the same traits as psychopaths to succeed. Snakes in Suits, read that book, that's the premise.

Utter rubbish. So much jealously from people who haven’t for whatever reason unable to succeed.

If he’s earning more then just ask for more in support.

This is so true ^ the more selfish someone is, the easier it is for them to succeed. Not always at jobs, it can be in anything.

Civil service ? Pay cut? Oh yeah forget to mention the 35% pension contribution and absolutely zero output or responsibility required from those that work in this area.

I’d rather have a relationship with my child than be a dead beat parent who put his own needs and want above his child.