Why do arseholes always succeed?

[Teddansononmyown]

Not an AIBU, just a rant.
Ex has got another promotion. Now earns double what I do. Has managed this incredible career trajectory because he refused to have DD more than 1 night a week for 2 years as "he had to work".
My career stalled and I'm really struggling to get anywhere. Meanwhile, he's rich AF and is now being more involved with DD , which Is great for her but enraging as he seems to just get to pick and choose the life he wants.
I'm so jealous. Its not a good look and I will get over it but it stings. I want to be able to give DD the amazing house, brilliant holidays etc. but i can't. She won't understand that it's because I didn't get the same opportunities because her dad is a selfish twat. She'll just see what he has vs what I can offer and will be so disappointed in me.
Sorry for the pity party. Ugh.
Why do arseholes always prosper when decent folk flounder?

Because narcisim pays in a narcissist western world. You can give her love and consistency though. That's what she will remember.

You're not comparing eggs for eggs. Public sector ( I'm one - NHS ) ; recession proof ( you'll get a pay rise when private sector are being laid off ), your pension bears no resemblance to what you actually pay, you'll almost never be laid off or made redundant. Zero chance the organisation will go bankrupt. Structured organisation often with a clear career path. Flexibility.

Private sector: my sister has been made redundant 5 times, she has to buy her own pension, she took a 20% pay cut and then got laid off anyway, you're at the mercy of the marketplace, domestically and internationally. Your performance is constantly monitored, measured and appraised. Organisations will move jobs overseas in a heartbeat if they think they can save money. Rampant ageism. The more you do the more they expect.

yanbu - tbh, I do not look down on separated or divorced parents but I do get a bit meh in secret if one parent isn't doing 50 percent. That is just a clear statement that their kid wasn't an equal priority to that parent OR there is something else wrong with them and they weren't allowed that much access.

It's your time and your turn now @Teddansononmyown - confidence can be rebuilt and less confident people tend to do better over the longer term as confidence and making a good first impression many people know is partly a trick.

For those piling in-I've acknowledged I'm jealous and that it's not a good look. I'm not blaming him nor saying that I'm responsible for his success. Absolutely not and I think anyone reading my posts will see that I'm reflecting rather than blaming.
I want him to do well bit I also want to do well . We have a shared DD and I have done 95% of everything because he wouldn't compromise and still won't.
I'm not obsessing over the money-i know I'll never ever earn what he does and the trade off is pension and flexibility. I'm reflecting on the fact that I haven't progressed to where I feel I should be because of his selfishness.
I'm jealous of his progress and success and definitely a little bitter. It is not a good look, as I've said, and I don't begrudge him his success thar he's worked hard for. I just would have like the same opportunity, that's all.
PP are right, I can start to prioritise now DD is older but I have zero confidence. That is something I need to work on.

Your choices started before she was even born though.
You chose not to establish a certain level of career before starting a family.
You chose to work part time.
You are choosing a certain level of flexibility instead of progression.

So has his career taken off because he was unencumbered by childcare considerations, or because he was always going to be the more career focused of you?

I’m divorced. I hacd my

Hit post too soon!

I’m divorced. I have a career. I’m not an arsehole.

I think you need to accept the choices you made, and now look forward.

Choice in career, and the choice to prioritise and be single minded in the pursuit of goals.

It’s not the preserve of sociopaths and narcissists either. The thing with personality disorders is that all the traits are already present in ‘normal’ people, it’s the degree to which they manifest that determine whether someone is disordered. Someone with narcissistic qualities is not automatically a Narcissist. Not sure it’s particularly helpful, let alone accurate, to pathologize everyone you find to be a bit of an arsehole.

OP, your DD will form her own relationship of her father that’s separate to you, and will probably differ from your own experience of him. Allow her to enjoy her time with her father, and please don’t burden her with your expectations of what she’s going to think and feel when she’s an adult. A lot of posters like to say ‘when she’s older she’ll…’ and while that may be their experience it’s not a universal one, and it’s not fair to put that on a child that loves their parents and deserves to enjoy their childhood with them.

They don't. There are inadequate, unsuccessful arseholes too.

The choice to reduce hours when DD was born was done jointly. Had I know what a twat he would become, I would never have agreed.
It's not as easy as saying 'one is more career focused'. That 'focus' is borne from selfishness. Saying 'I'm not having DD as I have to work' means that I inevitably had to prioritise being at home-no early starts or working late because I was essentially his childcare. CsA minimum payment only and never more meant childcare options were extremely limited.
I understand I've made choices too. I could have done exactly what he did and refused to take DD but in the real world, how could that have actually happened?
He may have been more career focused but that's because he refused to focus on anyone else but himself.

The thing is an arsehole is in the eye of beholder. Someone probably thinks you’re an arsehole OP, based on your worst qualities. Same for me, same for everyone.

How does one 'make choices' career wise when they have near enough full parental responsibility?

WE decided to have a child yet I have shouldered the impact alone because he opted out and prioritised himself. He's now doing great and chosen to be more active with DD. He seems to have everything while I'm skint, exhausted and aged 15 years in 5.
Again, to make clear-i am not playing a victim just reflecting.

at the end of the day, the best thing you can do for your kids is to model how to make good, planned choices that make you happy and to re-optimise when a plan didn't work the way it was supposed to.

I agree with you teddy in reality if your DH refused to ever step back you faced hard choices. You can do it though you can rebuild it, you have plenty of time left to get yourself to a fulfilling position. I'd be bitter too but try and use it to motivate you to go after what makes you happy and own that.

@whumpthereitis so true! Despite me having “the career” and working harder and longer and earning more, my ex has more money than me because of inheritance.

Our teen child enjoys the spoils of that and gives not one shiny fuck that I’m the one who does the majority of care, all of the “admin” etc. She thinks the sun shines from his arse (to be fair, she likes me too 😉). She is not going to turn round one day when she’s older and say, “you’re the better parent though mum.”

The important thing is that she is loved and feels loved by both of us. You can be the parent affording material stuff and still show genuine love too.

Also - and I count myself among these women - if we choose to be the ones to go part time, take them to school etc whilst we’re still married, haven’t we taught them that there’s nothing wrong with daddy taking a back seat after divorce? So why would they love them any less for something they saw us condone?

Like I said he prioritised his career over time with his daughter and you did the opposite.

Now he has money and you have memories of being there for your child and her love and trust.

Would you give that up to be wealthy? No? Wel there you go.

@Testina my mum was a SAHM when my parents got divorced meaning my dad had loads more money than her. We fought like cats all through my teens and I resented her.

But, as an adult that changed. I talk to my mum 3-4 times a week, see her every 2 months (live on the other side of the country), text all the time. I haven't seen my dad since last December and talk to him via text maybe once a month.

She may very well realise you were the better parent.

but you didn’t agree for him to reduce his hours? It may have been made jointly, but it was still a choice you made.

He may have been selfish, but rightly or wrong he was selfish in order to pursue his career and get where he is now. There’s nothing you can do but accept it though, because fairness is not guaranteed in life. Some people fall foul as a result of their actions, and others flourish. People who always think of others can get a rough shot, while those that don’t can become wildly successful. Thoughts of ‘they’ll pay later on!’ with allusions to karma or other forms of divine retribution are a comfort, but that’s all they are.

the best thing you can do is focus on you, and work to make your life what you want it to be. Watching him is only going to hurt you, don’t spend your life waiting for him to get a payback that may never come.

@testina “The important thing is that she is loved and feels loved by both of us. You can be the parent affording material stuff and still show genuine love too”

and this is the most important thing. She is loved, loves, and is supported and secure. Children are their own people, they are not vehicles of either of their parents’ ill feelings, and should never be expected to be.

But I don’t want her to!

I do think I’m the better parent as it happens… but he’s OK too.

From a practical point of view, I am waaaaay better (“mum, I don’t think I’d ever do homework if I only lived with dad”, we had last week - this wasn’t praise, but she might appreciate my value there one day 😆).

But from the point of view of making her know she’s loved? That’s equal.

I don’t want you to reassure me that one day she’ll realise I was better. What I want is for her never to go through comparative nonsense at all!!