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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum friends aren’t really real friends

46 replies

WanttobeatGlastonbury · 24/06/2022 10:24

Are they?

I have a large group of mum friends, we meet for play dates with the kids. It’s all friendly and chatty but never deeper than that.
I understand it’s different when you have kids and it’s hard to have a proper conversation and have the time to check in etc, but I miss my old friendships, mainly pals from work who became lifelong friends, we’d talk about our relationships, families, past etc and they became best friends.
My Dd has been quite ill for six months now and we’ve barely been able to attend meet ups, only three have really checked in to ask how she is/messaged me etc
Am I being too needy to expect/want more?

OP posts:
Webbing · 24/06/2022 10:26

I think mum friends are just like work colleagues when you meet first. Over time those friendships can deepen but not all will.

Cornettoninja · 24/06/2022 10:29

@Webbing is right I think. It’s not that you don’t matter it’s just that your roles in each other’s lives are peripheral and don’t hold a day to day function.

Have you approached anyone to come and visit/hold a play date on a one to one basis? I would be conscious of not barging into someone’s headspace during a difficult time if I didn’t actually know them that well, especially if I was reasonably confident they had a closer support network.

ApplyEvenly · 24/06/2022 10:32

Webbing · 24/06/2022 10:26

I think mum friends are just like work colleagues when you meet first. Over time those friendships can deepen but not all will.

Yes, that's a great way of putting it. They were invaluable for company and support and getting out of the house when DC were young, but once we didn't have young children in common anymore, not many made the transition to real friends. They were still important at the time though.

What's happened to your old friendships?

I think really most of us can only manage one or two "proper" friends at a time.

Daisy38 · 24/06/2022 10:37

Like any part of life, some people will end up being closer than others. You aren’t automatically going to be close friends with work colleagues just because you work together or your neighbours because you all live in the same street, so it’s a bit odd to think you’ll be friends with other mums just because you’re a mum. If you’ve got lots in common in a variety of areas then you’re more likely to become proper friends, just as you would with other friends you make, irrespective of how you met.

ChaosMoon · 24/06/2022 10:37

My aunt is still friends with her "NCT" friends 40 years after meeting them.

There are a couple of mums from my antenatal group that I can imagine I'll stay friends with. We're still close 3 years later and make an effort to see each other without the kids. Others, maybe, thought certainly not all.

The work friends analogy is a really good one.

SallyWD · 24/06/2022 10:40

I think some mum friendships will become close and others won't. It's the same with colleagues. I have a couple of mum friends who I'd say are best friends of mine. I also have plenty of mum friends who are more like acquaintances.

LosDolses · 24/06/2022 10:43

I understand where you are coming from. When my oldest DD started school I became very friendly with a group of school Mums. Regular play dates,days out during school holidays,dinner,drinks with the Mums. I really felt like they were my friends.

Unfortunately my DD was getting bullied and I had to change her school. Not one of my so called friends contacted me to see how my D D was. We were totally blanked. My DD added a couple of the girls on tik toc and they blocked her 😢

I would take their friendship for what it is but lower your expectations.

ComDummings · 24/06/2022 10:43

I think you’re expecting a little bit much from them. All friendships are a bit superficial at first so maybe some will become close friends. Or maybe you’ll not gel closely with any of them and that is quite normal too.

CharSiu · 24/06/2022 10:44

I made a few Mum friends.I met one at ante natal classes and the rest at the school gate. I’m still in touch with three and our kids are now 21. Saw one for lunch yesterday. The reason we are in touch is we actually had things in common that were not just related to our children. One came over for a BBQ on Jubilee weekend, our partners get on really well. Two others were good mates for years but when the dc reached 16 those friendships fell by the wayside. I do miss one of them.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 24/06/2022 10:48

A lot of mum friendships are transitory. They suit the period of your life you’re at, but won’t be deep or long lasting. That’s ok though. I think it’s still important to have that type of friendship too.

obviously some will transition into a longer term friendship but most will drift as lives move on.

Cherryblossoms85 · 24/06/2022 10:48

They're just different. They still really matter to me, because they connect me to the time when my eldest was starting school, and we've all been on that journey . I have made some friends I really like but I would agree I don't know them that well, and if one of their kids was I'll, I would probably feel I was being intrusive if I checked in with them.
I agree in the sense they're not part of those more formative years for me, parrtly because I'm quite a bit older then them.

Arenanewbie · 24/06/2022 10:55

I agree with the work colleagues analogy as well. I actually think that your expectations are realistic if you don’t expect every mum to be your best friend.
Think about it differently - 3 mums from the group showed that they were worried about you and your DD. One of them or maybe even all of them can become your real friends, just show that you want to be friends with them too and then give you all some time to develop your friendship.

AgapanthusLove · 24/06/2022 10:56

I agree.
I took time out of my career when dc was little & because we live in a rural area it was important for us to foster friendships & enable them to have friends over to play etc. For a while this also invariably meant me spending time with the otger parents.
I was friendly & very regularly had groups & individuals over for coffee while the kids played.
I'd say we were friends in a very similar way to work colleagues, it's an apt descriptor.
I can't say I liked any of the parents I met enough to build a friendship beyond the neighbourly interaction it was. And there were definitely times I was bored & found it all really dull. Though I was always always polite & friendly.
As soon as dc became old enough to not need a parent at a playdate I was delighted.
I loved having the kids here but didn't miss the inane small talk.
I went back to work when dc was 7 & that put an end to it any way
We still bump into each other in the locale & are friendly & have a little catch up but I have no desire to take it any further
I have a very busy work life & a great group of close friends - not necessarily mum friends

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 24/06/2022 10:59

Some mum friends can develop into true friends. Most dont.

Momicrone · 24/06/2022 10:59

Surely they're just like any other friendships, does it matter how you met them, some will last and deepen, others won't

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/06/2022 11:00

It's so weird the way people focus on "mum friends" as being part of a different species.

"Mum" friends aren't different from any other group of people with whom you socialise. They are a big group of people.

From this group a small subset may go on to become "real" friends but most will be friendships of expediency. This is no different from any other social group, whether its people you work with/do hobbies with/sport with. Socialising is always a game of numbers when you're trying to develop robust long term friendships.

What I find bizarre is that so many people seem to treat school/parenting friends as a kind of automatic, guaranteed friendship group and then get huffy when this doesn't happen.

Rosehugger · 24/06/2022 11:01

They can become real friends. Like any situation where you are thrown together because of mutual interest - work, children, hobbies. Some fade away when you no longer have the common interest but with others you find more in common.

Prinnny · 24/06/2022 11:01

They’re just people that had sex around the same time as you did! As a base that’s all you have in common, sometimes these acquaintances can grow into proper friendships if you have more in common but it’s not guaranteed.

I have a ‘friend’ I met at playgroup who I meet for play dates and we have a perfectly lovely chat, like each other’s pics on Instagram etc but that’s the extent of it. I wouldn’t, for example, chose to go on a night out with her over my real friends, our relationship is purely based on us have children the same age.

Yodaisawally · 24/06/2022 11:02

My kids are moving up to secondary in September. Whilst I have been friends with school mums, there is one who I will possibly stay in contact with. it's a transient thing.

Tilltheend99 · 24/06/2022 11:02

Hope your Dd recovers soon op Flowers

I think having children is a massive lifestyle change that we don’t realise beforehand.

Now I have a baby I feel guilty that I could have been way more supportive of my friends that had kids before me.

When i didn’t hear from people with young kids as much I assumed it was they were busy with important family stuff and moving on in life but now I realise how all consuming and sometimes isolating having a new child is I think it is more of a case of not having the time or energy to communicate what support they needed.

If some of your old friends go back n to have kids they will get a new understanding of your situation and come to you for advice.

Maybe be a bit clearer and more direct about the situation with DD and how it is making you feel in your group chat etc

Tilltheend99 · 24/06/2022 11:03

*go on to have

Stylishkidintheriot · 24/06/2022 11:04

I find that a lot of friendships are just short term. It doesn’t mean anything bad about you or the other person, or that anyone has done anything wrong. It’s just that everyone has busy lives. I must have had about 20 or so different mums that I would have met up with on mat leave and before COVID when ds was a toddler and I worked part time. I only see one of these people on a regular basis now, and about 10 more that I meet occasionally, and keep in touch on WhatsApp.

Somethingneedstochange · 24/06/2022 11:06

Have you not kept in touch with your work friends? What about inviting some of your mum friends to your house when your daughter is better? Covid didn't help not being able to see each other for so long. Hopefully your daughter will become some of they're children's friends and you will have some lifelong friends.

audweb · 24/06/2022 11:19

What happened to those lifelong friends? Can you not rely on them for support? I think it's so valuable to remain close to people we were already close to.

I'm still really good friends with some women I met when pregnant, but I'm not close to everyone I met when I had my kid. Some I just keep in general touch with, and will always be friendly but not much more. But thats normal? Like I'm not friends with everyone I worked with, some stick more than others.

Thebeastofsleep · 24/06/2022 11:20

2 of my mum friends are my best friends. We've been through thick and thin together (death, divorce, adultery) but not all my mum friends.