Mum friends aren’t really real friends

[WanttobeatGlastonbury]

Are they?

I have a large group of mum friends, we meet for play dates with the kids. It’s all friendly and chatty but never deeper than that.
I understand it’s different when you have kids and it’s hard to have a proper conversation and have the time to check in etc, but I miss my old friendships, mainly pals from work who became lifelong friends, we’d talk about our relationships, families, past etc and they became best friends.
My Dd has been quite ill for six months now and we’ve barely been able to attend meet ups, only three have really checked in to ask how she is/messaged me etc
Am I being too needy to expect/want more?

@audweb They moved back to the U.K. (I live abroad) we’re still in touch lots but isn’t the same as seeing them daily and at weekends too.

I know what you mean, but not every friendship needs to be deep to be valid.

I have different circles of friends, with varying degrees of closeness, including within circles. I think it's just part of being an adult, where you accumulate different relationships through different phases of your life (school, uni, work, gym, family).

If you do have friendships or a friendship group you have a deeper connection with, don't lose this just because you're in a different phase. WhatsApp can be great for checking in every now and then if in person meet ups are tricky.

Re expectations, I think this is a call only you can make as to whether your friends have been flakey or if you're expecting too much. Do you make an effort to check in with them, or are you expecting them to do the legwork?

"My aunt is still friends with her "NCT" friends 40 years after meeting them."

I am still friends with most of my NCT group 19 years later. Some of my closest friends are the one's I've met through my children. In fact, I am close extremely close to 2 from my kids primary school and 3 from secondary. I didn't make friends at play groups - it all felt a bit transient and only served a purpose at the time.

I agree totally. They're friends that fit your situation rather than a true friendship that is based on similar interests and shared sense of humour. I have a mum friend who I talk to and text quite a lot and I like her, but I feel she doesn't open up to me. She just wants to talk about school and child based things, but she's happy to listen to me talk about myself. But she doesn't offer anything back, so the friendship has remained at a superficial level.

At least 5 of my mum friends have become real friends in the way you describe. Yabu.

The three that have messaged you are likely to become close friends. Have you messaged any of them back?

I only ever had one mum friend when DS was young and we got on really well. However, we lost touch when I moved city. We weren’t even able to keep in touch as she wasn’t very well off and didn’t even have a phone or the internet (this was 2012) and we’d have had to have written letters! Crazy.

Deffo agree with PP who suggested meeting up one to one with one of them. This is how I got to be friendly with my old pal.

@Furrbabymama1987
I have a mum friend who I talk to and text quite a lot and I like her, but I feel she doesn't open up to me. She just wants to talk about school and child based things, but she's happy to listen to me talk about myself. But she doesn't offer anything back, so the friendship has remained at a superficial level

Your friend is like me with my friends - I don't know how to open up, I don't want to reveal too much of myself, sometimes I feel people don't listen that well and/or share what I've shared with others, I'm quite a private person. I'd love to have deeper friendships but honestly don't know how!

Some can become real friends.

I expect that re messaging about your dd that they are sad for her and you and are afraid to say the wrong thing. It won't necessarily indicate that they don't care - but in some cases it unfortunately will. I am afraid to message a mum friend of mine, her child is seriously sick and I know that the answer to how the child is doing is basically utterly terribly.

@Mahanii I’m a bit like that, it was quite a surprise to me when I found out that some people take that quite personally and find it off putting.

for me, I had a horrendous time years and years ago and talked about it endlessly. At some point I bored myself and realised I was talking myself in circles. The aim of talking about problems to help had at some point morphed into talking myself into further depression iyswim.

Consequently I started holding back a bit and looking for more uplifting subjects/company. I thought I was doing people a favour by not burdening them with my negativity when really all I had to do was find a balance.

it’s worth letting go of some information a bit of you can, it’s easy to fall into the role of ‘interviewer’ and be the one asking all the questions without giving anything of yourself. It makes others uncomfortable - you know all their deepest feelings and they don’t know anything about yours. Tell them when you have a similar experience or identify the same feeling of what they’re talking about.

Ah @rnsaslkih, that is hard. Sometimes though you have to resort to sounding like a greeting card and just letting them know you’re thinking of them with a message that doesn’t require an answer.

Based on my experience, I think with mum friends it's all based on the kids. You have kids in common. Very rarely will you have more than that and if you did then they can become real friends that last. But most of them, take away the kids and there's nothing left to talk about or do.

Well, they are not real friends, but then neither are work friends. Or else you'd be hanging out with them, hey?

i struggled to make mum friends. either the kids didnt get on (making a relationship with the parent less possible) or the adults didn't click (equally unhelpful!). And I think mum friends often competitive or judgemental or just completely different in lifestyle and values to the point whereby it's hard to go 'deeper". In the end I gave up trying!

It all depends on what you do in that friendship group, if you only get together with your children play dates, etc..then no you’re not really friends.

I have 3 mum friends, 2 I met when my dc started primary school and one football mum.
we go out together without our kids, moan about husbands, partners and general family life we’re there for each other at the drop of a hat, so I consider them my real friends.

when my dc moved schools in year 2 I thought I wouldn’t see or speak to the first 2 again, but we have remained as close as we was before as have our dc who are all now on their journey to secondary school.

I have 2 different groups of mum friends. 1 from the baby years. We went from seeing each other every week in our first year, to every 6 weeks to once a year (13 years on).

I have another group I met at kids' parties and out of school clubs when eldest dc started primary. I never saw anyone in the playground cos I was one of the few full timers. Our friendship has survived the transition to high school, even if the kids ' friendships haven't. But we rarely even talk about the kids.

Exactly this. You are thrown together by circumstance, and even if you socialise outside of school it doesn't make you 'friends' as such. The real proof comes when school is over, and you see which of your friends stick around, and who you want to make the effort to meet up with.

I get that. I am private myself I suppose to a degree, but I open up to the people I want to. There are plenty of opportunities in the conversation where she could talk about her experiences or opinions but she just smiles and nods. It's not a problem if she doesn't want to tell me stuff, it just means the friendship doesn't develop to a deeper level and remains at acquaintance level. And it could be that she doesn't like me, but she contacts me a lot and asks to meet up so I think she does. She's more chatty over text. She just seems to know everything about me but I don't know a lot about her.

I think it’s like any other friendship where you’re only friends because you happen to be in the same place or situation. Sometimes real lasting friendships will develop but a lot of the time it fizzles out when your lives change. Like work friends or neighbours.

me and my sibling are in our mid 30s but my mum is still good friends with a couple of mums she met when we were very little.

I think mum friendships are mostly superficial because they are forced upon us. I can't wait to get back into the real world and back to friendships of my own choosing. I hope your Dd is okay.

Might be worth inviting them to do something different with the DC or suggesting a drink/meal out.

I became part of an NCT group and also the school Mums group. NCT group, I do exercise with one/occasional other get together and the others I'm still on a group chat with - we do get on but they tend to do things I wouldn't enjoy. The Mums group, now they really are good lifelong friends - known them 16 years and one chose to spend her birthday with us rather than her DH. We all know eachothers DHs and mix as a group, couples and individiuals.