To wish my husband would take a shower or brush his teeth?

[babyrocket]

My husband's personal hygiene standards are very different to mine. I shower every day and brush my teeth twice a day. He will shower once every two weeks (after I nag him non stop) and brush his teeth about once a week, occasionally more.

He gets annoyed with me for always nagging him to have a shower and brush his teeth. But he smells. I tell him this, not to be mean but to make him aware of a fact: I'm sure if I can smell it, people at his work can too.

He argues that he is a grown man and this is just how he chooses to conduct himself. He says he never showered more than once every two weeks growing up and it always worked for him so I should stop making such a bit deal of it. I argue that keeping up personal hygiene habits is a sign of respect for those around you as well as yourself. Frankly, I just think it's gross. But maybe I shower too much?

AIBU? And I being over bearing by telling a grown adult how often to bathe?

Has he always been like this?

How old are you?

people in their 50's aren't some skanky version of people in their 30'scthsnks very much.

I'm not sure how it indicates a lack of self respect

Good self respect involves taking care of yourself and caring about how you present yourself to the world. Being clean, not smelling of BO, having fresh breath and clean teeth are a part of that.
No one wants to have smelly colleagues, it's embarrassing and unpleasant.

@Chikapu

Only if you agree that's what self respect means

The ops oh clearly doesn't

The ops oh is clearly a dirty bastard.

@Chikapu

Clearly

That has nothing to do with self respect though.

You can be a self respecting dirty bastard

Another one wanting to know why you married him.

I don’t shower daily, and I don’t smell. (I’m sure of this - my husband would say!) But 2 weeks?!

I actually do sometimes skip brushing my teeth, I have an issue with it that probably needs a therapist to explore 🤷🏻‍♀️ I mostly brush morning and night so that my breath doesn’t smell, and to protect my teeth. But honestly, if I’m home alone one evening, and then working from home next day, I might go from Day 1 morning to Day 2 night without brushing. When I do, my breath smells. I don’t know why I do it, and I fight against it and brush when I don’t want to. But it means that I know just how grim it is… hence wondering how you ever married him.

I don't care if someone doesn't shower every day, but two weeks?? Bloody hell. And brushing teeth is a must. Not just because his breath must honk like mad, but also for the actual health of his teeth and gums.

As I think someone else asked - does he wash at all? Like, does he at least wash his face, give his top half a scrub down with a flannel and wash under his arms, (like men used to do in the days when people only had an actual bath once a week in a tin tub)? Does he wear deodorant, clean clothes etc? Does he shave? Not saying that would be enough! Just wondering if he has some hygiene or zero hygiene.

If you can smell him then yes, obviously his colleagues can too.

This has to be a fake post!

As I read this, I thought you'd say two days not two WEEKS. that's insane. Even if he showers, would he smell any better? He's probably just stand under pouring water for 5 minutes.

That's really something, I don't think telling him will help. After a fortnight of reeling, he probably just doesn't care what others think, it's not like he doesn't know and just needs a nudge.

This is actually LTB worthy. It's embarrassing for you, uncomfortable to live with, you can't be intimate at all.

Okay so clearly im not unreasonable to be more than a bit grossed out by him. I did know about his lack of hygiene when I married him. I lived with him 6 years before also and he's always been like this. To be honest, I didn't notice that much at first. He didn't really used to smell that much. But these days he does, I don't know what's changed but he does.

I plan out intimate moments around when he does shower. He obviously quite eager to have sex but I refuse unless he's washed, very bluntly saying that I won't until he's washed. I hope that it'll incentivise him to wash but he's too lazy, not even the promise of sex makes him commit to showering more often. The whole washing thing is kind of a long standing joke but it's been annoying me more recently. Last night I lay awake in our warm bedroom, him snoozing away smelling like hot garbage. He had a wash this morning after I told him his smell made it difficult for me to sleep.

He tells me all the time that he doesn't need to shower because he doesn't smell and says I'm making it up when I say that he can't smell his own stink because he's used to it. I have to wash our bedsheets every few days because there is a greyish smear where he sleeps after a few days from all his body oils.

Recently after I had a bit of a melt down about it, he promised to wash every two days. This lasted about a week before life got hectic and he went back to his old ways. He's not depressed or anything, he just grew up in a 5 person household with only one bathroom and he was bottom of the list to have access to the bathroom so he kind of learned to live without. I don't know why his teeth aren't worse than they are, I think he's just lucky. I'm really hoping it'll catch up with him soon, so that he gets shocked into changing. But every time he promises to mind his personal hygiene more, it only lasts a few days.

I love him regardless, I really do, he's my best friend but, man, is he a smelly best friend.

I would not have described your DH as having personal hygiene standards at all.

I mean, it's should never have been made into a joke. It's gross, and he's not going to change now after you put up with it for so long for god knows what reason.

In my view being clean is a matter of respect for yourself and your partner. I would feel disrespected and not accept it. But you have. So why would he change? I bet that's his mindset.

I'm also thinking of booking him a dentist appointment with the hope that the dentist will point out what his lack of self care has done to his teeth. Hopefully if he has to shell out a lot of money to repair the damage, he'll prioritise looking after them more! I questioned him about it a little while ago and he said he hasn't been to the dentist since he was a teenager (now mid thirties) because his family couldn't afford it after it was no longer free.

I have to wash our bedsheets every few days because there is a greyish smear where he sleeps after a few days from all his body oils

That is absolutely disgusting and I would refuse to sleep in the same bed as him. His hygiene is never going to improve so you will either have to live with it without complaint or leave.

How the hell can someone only shower once every two weeks in this heat? He must absolutely reek! Surely you must be absolutely repulsed by him?

Ewwwwww!! It’s sheer laziness.

@babyrocket

Can you get a family member, work mate or friend to talk to him?

Dentist also a good idea

I don't know how you do it, OP. I couldn't love or feel affection for someone who was so grim with respect to personal hygiene. The bad breath and BO would have killed any love I had for them a long time ago. I wouldn't be able to sit anywhere near him, let alone sleep next to him.

I hope his workplace doesn't have him in close contact with lots of other people, because it must be awful for them if so.

He's not depressed or anything, he just grew up in a 5 person household with only one bathroom and he was bottom of the list to have access to the bathroom so he kind of learned to live without.

Just like the majority of working and middle class people in the UK growing up in the 80s and 90s then… I grew up in an 8 person household and my mam still made us shower/bath twice a day in summer (as this was the standard in her home country).

That’s an excuse and a poor one at that. His lack of hygiene is absolutely disgusting.

From what you've said in your follow-up posts, his resistance to washing sounds like his way of pretending that his childhood was OK.

He's telling himself that washing once a fortnight and not brushing your teeth is perfectly normal, because if he accepts that showering regularly and brushing his teeth twice daily is a must, he'll be admitting to himself that his family weren't normal and that his parents weren't looking after him and his siblings properly (even they totally thought they were, and were loving parents otherwise). He is probably taking your insistence on hygiene as a criticism of his family/parents, and that might be really hard for him to process.

Obviously, though, this is not helping him in any way. His colleagues will have noticed that he smells. His sex life and marriage are being affected. Do you have children? What about their hygiene? Is he going to say they don't need to be clean or brush their teeth either? I think you need to have a talk with him about his childhood and explain that it's not any kind of criticism of him or his family, but that times have changed and he is no longer living in a household where it's difficult to get a shower or afford dental hygiene, and that he doesn't have to hang on to childhood norms now that he is an adult and a husband and has a family of his own.

Omg what!

Whenever I go for a checkup and the dentist runs through the routine questions like ‘do you brush twice a day’ I’ve always wondering who DOESN’T brush twice a day. But here is the man obviously!

He sounds not only disgusting, but like he has very little respect for you and others and I would be done tbh. Life’s to short to live with a smelly dishrag

OP, why are you enabling this gross man child (actually unfair on children - I don’t know anyone like your H)? Planning intimacy around his showers? Booking dentist appointments for him? Joking about it?! You must have a very low bar if this “catch” is your best friend 😯

I have to wash our bedsheets every few days because there is a greyish smear where he sleeps after a few days from all his body oils

Please stop enabling this man and expect and demand more for yourself.

“I have to wash our bedsheets every few days because there is a greyish smear where he sleeps after a few days from all his body oils.“

Why aren’t you making him do this?