Gushing tributes when someone has died

[GarethKeenan]

The tributes to deceased adults on social media are grating.

They become a saint when they die and people care far more about them when they stop breathing. People who had plenty of bad words to say, definitely held a grudge, made many very questionable life choices while openly judging others for theirs are mistily described as the best of us, pure magic etc. Even by people who actively disliked the deceased and were happy to say so

But, oh- "I can't believe they're gone, life will never be the same." I get that when it's coming from their spouse or kids (those that are close to their parents.) But a great grandson who never met them making a tiktok about how he will be sorting out a balloon release in honour? An ex neighbour who hasn't bothered for years posting live about how the news has hit her like a ton of bricks, they were so close etc. Really? You'll miss them so much will you? I doubt you've thought about them in years.

Why do people have to claim someone was practically Jesus Christ himself and that they had a close and loving relationship, "hole left in my life blah blah," when they hadn't laid eyes on them or spoken in years? And they tag a social media account of the deceased, it all seems to be so more people see it and get more likes and I find it ghoulish. Like a public act of grieving for a round of applause. Some of the tributes are so gushing it's uncomfortable to read them. Aibu to see it as a sort of grubby scramble for the most likes on a death announcement?

The person who really sparked this post for me is acting as if she's more deeply affected than the widow. Posting pictures of her crying face with a heartbroken emoji caption, video of the stars, with Coldplay's Yellow playing, captioning stuff like "they're shining for you, the best of men, a light in my life has gone out and it will never shine again. I will miss you forever"

She is his son's girlfriend from about twelve years ago. Hasn't seen him in that time. They were together about ten months.

I get it OP.

I had a relative who died some time back. He was ok, but hardly ever worked, did drugs, was a thief, effectively abandoned his children and eventually succumbed to alcoholism far too young. He left heartbreak wherever he went.

Actually the social media posts from his closer family members are baffling. How life isn’t the same without him. How he was the best brother ever.

I don’t get it. I’m gutted that he died but actually more gutted about the very sad life that he lived.

I can’t think of anything nice to say about him in death so I don’t say anything at all.

Funny creatures, humans.

At least when Sean Hughes died people didn't say how wonderful he was , very much the opposite in fact .

Ah yes. I had that when dad died and that was real life arses, I don’t do social media in a personal context.

im sorry OP. Don’t go online if you can avoid it. Ignore the numpties. Remind them of your loss. I had to do that quite harshly with some people who claimed to be struggling with dad’s death in spite of not having known him from a bar of soap.

Not far from my area there was a large group of young men illegally riding motorbikes, no helmets, causing misery to road users and residents alike . Riding dangerously with no concern for other road users. One of them.shot out of a junction and was hit by a car and killed.
He was elevated to God status and the poor innocent driver, predictably,was called a heartless murdering barsteward etc etc and should rot in hell.

I do understand your irritation at grief thieves. DFs cousin and his wife (who never visited my DF once in the 7 years he was widowed and gravely unwell), yet both howled like banshees at his funeral about how much they will miss him and how close they all were 🤥. It was so weird. They perked up no end whilst holding court at the bar at the wake but were most disappointed later on at finding that DF had not mentioned them in his will! DF would have been furious that they tried to make his death all about them!

I have a second cousin in my fb. His DP never closed his account down and she still posts on his page every birthday, fathers day, xmas etc about how wonderful he was and how much she misses him - despite having a restraining order against him when he died.

This. Disgusting thread. As for the 'it's pathetic when people put memorial posts up on an anniversary of someone's death' comment. (@RomeoMcFlourish ) How nasty. What the hell is wrong with that? What is wrong with people remembering their loved ones? Nasty mean spirited thread.

So grieving people aren’t allowed to talk about things that they have found difficult and distressing to deal with …… alrighty then …… message received and understood…..

I get what you mean, OP. A local man died yesterday in a road accident, and the comments on FB are horrendous - tagging the persons family. They may not have even had anything confirmed by the Police or let all their relatives know - it's like a race to the fucking bottom.

For anyone that has been bereaved recently, I'm sorry for your loss

I don’t think this is a nasty thread at all. It’s not about people who are genuinely grieving. It’s about people who treat the loss of a person’s life primarily as a way to gain attention for themselves through social media.

OP what you’ve said chimes with my experience on the loss of someone close to me. Sorry for you loss, and for that of others on this thread who are grieving.

The deceased person the poster is describing is my son's stepmother-in-law. May I describe my situation and ask for feedback? My son's stepmother-in-law died suddenly last Saturday, June 18th. We were never close to her or our son's father-in-law. They had created a scene in 2009 before, during, and after our son and daughter-in-law's wedding and my husband called them out on their behavior. Ever since then, they made it clear that we're not part of that side of the family, barely speaking to us at family get-togethers. We moved away to retire in a different state 6 years ago (2016) as well, so that has helped alleviate some of the animosity. Now I've checked the current prices for airline tickets to go back for a 2 hour viewing on Tuesday, 6/29 (no funeral) and they are over $1000. I mentioned to my son that we didn't feel that we could afford that right now and would probably not be able to come. That was on Monday, 6/20. We talked on Monday, 6/20 in the afternoon and that conversation deteriorated into some very disrespectful comments made to me by both my son and my daughter-in-law. Nevertheless, I said just I would come then (ticket price over $500 plus other travel expenses that come up) for their sakes, but that has turned into not good enough. I received a scathing e-mail at 12:30 a.m. Tuesday from my son, which I spent hours on Tuesday crafting a response to. Not good enough. The boy sent me another diatribe last night at 11:00 p.m., to which I responded that we could talk about it when I get there; no more e-mails, please. The boy and his wife are not 20 somethings; they're 40 years old and yet they're acting like their so grief-stricken that we need to be there to comfort them, in spite of having a large circle of other family and friends in their sphere. I believe it's more about the optics because they've said several times, what are we supposed to say when people ask where are your parents? Should our 40 year old child be entitled to expect his 70 year old parents to spend a large sum money on a credit card to attend a viewing for a person that they were never close to so "other people" won't ask where we are? His dad and I are very hurt and offended by the way he is talking to and treating us. Am I missing something? Looking forward to feedback. Thanks.

Just to clarify, I am not actually describing anyones stepmother in law. Just sounds like a the situation is very similar. Sorry @SheriSmith, sounds difficult.

I don’t think you get the point.
OP means people who come out the woodwork to pay their respects when they had no time for them in real life before they died!
Sorry for your loss and I am sure the people paying respects to your DH actually liked him!

An ex colleague died young and we were friendly enough to go to his funeral. His parents were so grateful but the 4 of our colleagues who carried the coffin, do annual Fb posts about missing him and were full on going etc were the 4 who were utterly shit to him while living. That was really hard to watch. Dh and I had to see them soak up the tragedy.

He probably wasn’t a selfish lazy arsehole when they met, though. She’s grieving the loss of what she was hoping for, not just what she actually lost.

But, @SheriSmith I think you're doing the right thing by not going. Your respects can easily be paid by a card, and that's only if you've any respects to pay in the first place. You don't need to be flying over to hold hands with them.

You're not wrong, OP. The modern fetishisation of death is extremely distasteful to me.

People are using social media as a medium but historically it's nothing new - Victorians especially were amazing at grieve tourism! There are some amazingly awful headstones inscriptions and obituaries out there - likely just as untrue as Facebook statuses. If it makes you feel better, think about the historians laughing at them in 150 years or so (if they can be bothered trawling through all our nonsense).

Ive noticed on FB certain people who rush to inform us when someone has died totally disregarding the deceased loved ones. Then others falling over themselves to inform us how well they knew them. It's like a competition to let everyone know how important they were to the deceased.

OP means people who come out the woodwork to pay their respects when they had no time for them in real life before they died!

the 4 of our colleagues who carried the coffin, do annual Fb posts about missing him and were full on going etc were the 4 who were utterly shit to him while living. That was really hard to watch. Dh and I had to see them soak up the tragedy.

These sorts of things are exactly what I'm on about: not grieving families who loved and will genuinely miss their departed relative. Twats who need attention and see a connected death as a brilliant way to get people to flock around them

“It would be alright if it was positive stories, like "I'll never forget when...."

But it's "my world has fallen apart, I don't know how to face this world without you, great uncle Bob who I met once when I was fifteen and occasionally accepted Facebook game invites from and liked a few statuses of"

It's so distasteful. I very recently lost a family member and the tributes are pouring in out of the woodwork from people who never bothered from one decade to the next, phrased as if they practically lived with my relative and never spent a day apart.”

There’s always been people who made it more about themselves than the deceased person or their immediate family but SM means they can star in their own show about it, lots of people will “like” what they say, sing, dance or whatever about it and that makes them feel as if they’re part of the drama.
I was so glad that neither DH or I used sm so I avoided all the false sympathy. Those who cared about me looked after me.

Fetishisation of death?! Most people in the UK pretend it doesn’t happen to anyone under 80!

My DH died age 37. A dear friend had just died aged 43. I know the challenges his wife is now facing because as a country we’d rather brush it under the carpet whilst paying lip service to mental health.

I agree OP, it can be a very over the top thing.

Having lost someone very close to me I understand why people do post. The comments are the equivalent of sympathy cards and they do help.

But I also don't completely understand why Sandra from the post office does.

I am sorry for your loss @tunnocksreturns2019

I agree that once someone's death is 'in the past' very few people want you to talk about it. People (who haven't also lost someone) go weirdly quiet when I mention the person close to me who died.

Thanks, Garth. After someone browbeats you enough times, you begin to question yourself. My husband asked his golf buddies what they thought of our son's behavior and they all said, He needs to grow up! Lol.

We live in a retirement community, so we're all 60'ish to 80 and on up, so I guess our old school generation looks at things differently. You would never consider to inconveniencing or burdening people for your own sake. But then again, they were put out when we moved away too. The entitlement mentality is ridiculous.