To ask for positive stories about a school refusing DC?

[Worried2478]

DS is extremely anxious at school and has been struggling the past couple of weeks. He's been going in but texing me from the toilets telling me he can't stop crying and he feels like he's having a breakdown. We deicded to keep him home for a few days so he can have a mental rest so since yesterday he's been home and is fine, but gets anxious at the mention of school. I should mention he has ASD and is in year 7.

We haven't had any obvious issues all year but he is high functioning and masks really well. He has friends and plays football, is in top sets and he seemed to settle in really well. In fact his friends aren't even aware of his ASD. I think the past couple of weeks have been really tough with assessments, some name calling from friends and general sensory issues. When I ask what's wrong at school he replies it's everything and he cant really pinpoint what's triggered the anxiety but he just can't face it and wants to be homeschooled. I don't know anyone who homeschools in my small hometown or local area.

We have a meeting with SENCO tomorrow and I'm hoping we can work together to help support him. Has anyone been through this and come out of the other side? I feel close to tears all the time wondering what I should do, homeschooling is tough but not impossible. I worry about the social side, he can be a hermit and has spent his time at home gaming.

Any advice for tomorrow?

There's a lot of good guidance in this document prepared by Manchester City Council.

hsm.manchester.gov.uk/kb5/manchester/directory/advice.page?id=17Mj5WlOnyE

But I can't offer a positive story sorry... 🙁

Maybe he needs a different school! My son goes to a Sen school for mild : moderate learning difficulties. I was surprised to see so many outwardly NT children there but they cope so much better without the stress of a big school !

If it’s any help I thought end of term at secondary would be easier than at primary but DS is at the end of year 7 and a recent meeting with the senco after our toughest period she said that for a lot of children even when not directly involved they struggle from when the GCSEs start through to the end of term because there is so much change.

does he have an ehcp?

does he have a safe place/person he can go to when struggling? Ds school have a learning support room which is always staffed and he can go and work or escape there when needed.

would he be able to join you for all or part of the meeting tomorrow so he feels he ia part of the team making decisions about his education?

Following as my year 5 DS has been having panic attacks at school following being bullied and we are currently keeping him off while we get a course of CBT arranged (easier said than done - 5 days and counting for GP referral to be typed up and have been told a minimum of 5 days for private insurance to review and approve treatment). We’re also starting to think about moving him for year 6…

A friend of DDs became a school refuser in year 7. Previously she had never really liked school but had always gone & coped with a small group of friends. She is super clever so had always gone a bit under the radar as far as the school was concerned.

Year 7 was awful for her & she pretty much had a full breakdown - didn’t go to school for 18 months & was diagnosed with Autism.

Thanks to a lot of pressure from her parents the LEA found her a place in a specialist school for girls with autism & she has flourished (great GCSE results last year & far happier) she has made the transition into 6th form & is doing well.

The change of school was absolutely key for her.

There are no specialist schools nearby that cater for high functioning ASD children as they don't offer gcses. Sending him to another mainstream school would probably have the same result we face now.

I think you might be right @sirzy i think theres a definite shift in the school environment in the last few weeks. No EHCP. The school weren't aware of his ASD as he is newly diagnosed (earlier this year) and the paperwork has failed to reach them. I genuinely thought they had received it. But DS told me not to discuss anything with the SENCO because he's fine and he didn't want his friends becoming aware of his ASD. And if he felt the need for support he would approach them himself. I naively went along with it. Yes he will be with me for part of the meeting.

I’m glad he will be with you. It sounds like he is struggling with his diagnosis (understandably) and the idea of being “different” so hopefully the senco can help with that side of things too.

good luck for tomorrow

@Worried2478 what about private schools? The school DDs friend went to was fee paying (I think the 6th form is too) the LEA paid the fees as they were unable to offer a school that could deal with her needs

Thank you. I really hope we can work together and offer him the right help he needs. He's always been the sort to want to fit in and be 'one of the boys' and he struggles to come to terms with his diagnosis. He is worried about being pulled out of class for any support or counselling and the questions this will raise.

@nancy75 I'm not aware of any fee paying schools locally that cater for ASD either 😞I will check again.

I don’t know where you get a list of specialist schools, I know friends mum was looking for over a year & only found this one because someone mentioned it in passing (friends mum is very on the ball & had looked in to every possibility.)
I know the whole situation was awful & hugely emotionally draining for the child & her parents, I hope you manage to find a solution xx

I have a school refuser. 3 years of battles, anxiety (hers and mine), tears, being called to pick her up every single day if I can get her there in the first place, eating disorders etc etc etc.

I deregistered her in March and she is a different child now. Wish I had done it sooner.

We will home school. Right now she's recovering from probably something along the lines of PTSD.

Current year 9.

I was a school refuser - stopped going towards end of primary then years of going/not going (mainly not)/trying different schools until I was put in a pupil referral unit (after having a home tutor for a while) in first GCSE year and went there fir the 2 GCSE years.
I don't completely know why I started refusing to go - I wasn't being bullied, had friends - was 'popular' even, could do all the work without struggle. I suspect it was something more sinister due to after school activity that was held there but I only have snippets of memory.
Anyway, that's by the by just wanted to say that my parents ensured that even though I wasn't in school I did social stuff outside of it and for that I'm grateful. It was awkward having to explain to people why I wasnt in school as I didn't really know myself but continuing to do 'normal' things with friends realy helped.
Despite only being able to take 4 GCSEs at the PRU and having no real teaching in 2 subjects I went to college and did A Levels then got a degree.
I hope your son starts to go to school again. It's only now that I'm a parent that I have some idea of the stress that it must have caused my parents. I can't remember much about the time now but can still remember feeling absolutely petrified of going. My parents offered me everything in desperation to go including money but I just could not. Please try not to go down the route of forcing him to go, my parents tried that a couple of times and I ran away - it was not helpful at all but understand why they did it.

I can offer a positive story!

At around the same age a family member with ASC begun to avoid school. All in all his attendance was disrupted for about a year with maybe complete non-attendance for a term or so.

Anxiety was the main driver and antidepressants were a life changer. Eventually, after a staggered approach and some adjustments he made a complete return to school and did well in his GCSEs.

He is now happily in the second year of his university degree 😊

My oldest boy who is now nearly 20 was a school refused from year 7 until I de registered him in year 9. He then went to college from 14-18. He is on the spectrum, and is dyslexic. He left college with functional skills maths and English, and a btec in brickwork.

He now works full time at mcdonalds and is just about to become a crew trainer and then hopefully a manager. He truly has found himself and I am so proud of him. He did give me lots of grey hairs tho🤣🤣🤣🤣

Yes me, and l post my story on here alot as l know when l was in the thick of it there was very little, if anything in the way of positive endings.
My son was the same age as yours, you find this is a very common age for this particular issue, also the fact that most pupils who suffer with this are very bright and conscientious, so being unable to attend school is very much not a choice, we need to get that absolutely clear, "school refusal" is a stupid name and gives the wrong impression, it is not a choice, it is not an act of defiance, it is not bad parenting, it is usually a sympton of an anxiety or panic disorder, something agoraphobics suffer from, and just like agoraphobics are unable to leave the house, students are unable to attend school, however because there is so much ignorance and judgement concerning "school refusal" students get treated in a much harsher and damaging way, everything seems to revolve around the school attendance figures, not the students wellbeing. which often leads to HE being only choice.
In our case HE opened up a whole new world, ball was firmly planted in sons court, he was responsible for his education, l supported him and encouraged him, but he was responsible for finding the online resources, we used no tutors or online schools, the information is all freely available, alot of excellent resources on youtube by various professors etc, we are so grateful , and he's done a fantastic job. He achieved A ** in last set of exams, it can be done.
However, initially you need nerves of steel as they need to go through a process of de schooling, lots of info online and youtube, this is an important step, and for a while it can appear that they are not making any progess academically, what is infact happening is it is given the mind and body time to recharge and reset. Anxiety levels need to come down to function properly, don' t try and bring the classroom into the home, it doesn't work, as covid home schooling proved, let them find their own way of learning, their own routine.
HE has taught my son resourcefulness and self discipline, not just educationally, he is now much fitter, lifting weights, running and rowing. He is also very interested in computors so learning different computor languages by choice, and also working a part time job alongside studying.
So after a hellish time we got there.
I would reccomend Not Fine At School website, many parents in same situation, banging their heads against a brick wall due to lack of awareness and help.

Have pm'd you

Great to hear so many positive stories! I keep encouraging DS that everything always works out in the end and trying to be upbeat and positive even though the worry is killing nside me and not eating regular meals.

Interesting about the anti depressants, I will have to look into that or speak to the GP. Currently we are giving him something recommended by a renowned herbalist which helps calm him a little. It definitely helps but its a band-aid. We need a permanent solution.

The GP won’t be able to prescribe anti depeessants because of his age but it is well worth asking for a CAMHs referral now and the waiting list is likely very long

Yes the GP has made the referral to camhs so it's a waiting game. He has also referred him for speech and therapy so he is able to express himself better. I'm hoping it's not too long a wait.

@lovelyjubblyjubilee sorry, me? I've not received a PM.

Thank you for your story @Moonface123 I think if we do have to homeschool, I'd need some guidance on what sort of resources and websites we could use! I have absolutely no idea where I'd start. Money is tight so online schooling would be a stretch.

The school won't tell other children about his diagnosis. And lots of children go out of classes for various reasons so if he goes to a group others won't even notice.

My DS is y8 and has adhd (and doctor said potentially ASD but the ADHD is the bigger issue). He didn't think his teachers needed to know as he's medicated so 'normal' at school (he says!). But he certainly does have a few issues and school have noticed that he's quiet and withdrawn.

He goes to a special boys' club where they focus on building social skills by playing lots of games. He loves it and says the other boys are really nice. The TA that runs the club has introduced him to boys there with the same interests as him (sports!).

We did have a bit of a problem with mild bullying but school dealt really well with it and his tutor has moved the classroom around to put DS nearer people he might get along with.

I can't say that DS loves school but he's doing much better now. Big school is really overwhelming for them but with the right support.

None of the other children have any idea that he has Adhd (or if they do they haven't mentioned it).

And there are things the school can do to help anxious children- he could be allowed to go in a little earlier or later to avoid the crowds and the shock to the system. He could be given a pass to leave classes and go somewhere quiet if he's feeling overwhelmed (children leave classes all the time for various reasons so he could just make up an excuse in the unlikely event his friends notice!). Sometimes just knowing you can go off to a quiet room gives you the confidence to keep going.

They will have dealt with many children like him so should have some good advice and it will be completely discreet whatever they put in place to help him.

There may also have been some mild bullying like DS experienced (which caused him to come home begging to move schools or not go in again).

Thank you @perenniallymessy I do hope the school is discreet because his anxiety will definitely increase if the kids find out when he isn't ready for it.

Just been going over a long list with him of famous people with ASD. As soon as I mentioned Lionel Messi and Elon Musk his eyes lit up 😁 I want him to not be ashamed of his condition but tell his friends when he himself is ready. It's a horrible age when kids don't have the maturity to always understand these things.