To think I might be Lesbian/Bisexual?

[thinkingGirls]

Hi I know I'm not technically in the right thread but I need advice/ traffic!

I'm 25 and have a 1year old boy! I didn't have a great relationship with his father and so we split up. I've been focusing on raising my son and only just really thought about dating. However there is something that seems odd about dating at the moment! I've always found women attractive but never thought too much about it, I've never really found men all that attractive and tbh sex has never really been it for me. I think I assumed I was probably Asexual but I've been having dreams about women and I've noticed I've started to really check women out etc.

I just don't know how I'd do about starting to date women?
The few gay women I've known in my life have all said they are all a bit suspicious of new Bi/Lesbian women as they tend to find that there are just "experimenting" and see then as some sort of test!

I feel as inexperienced as I did at 16 before I ever slept with a guy!

Someone please help me figure out what I'm doing!

So I guess AIBU to want to see if I like women?

Be careful. There are very few places these days where lesbians can get together without men being present.

@Onlyawoman yeah I've seen that! I know the gay clubs in my city are full of straight men who find it such fun to hate on the gays and ogle the lesbian couples! They only go to gay bars because it usually pretty cheap alcohol especially on certain nights! I think it's one of the reasons I've never really been confident to explore things before now!

I've PMed you @thinkingGirls

I've gone through something similar over the last couple of years. I assumed I was asexual after many years of not being interested in men at all (have only had relationships with men previously) but then realised I was a lesbian. I've been gently trying to get into dating, but it's bloody hard work! I don't think that's because of it being gay dating though, just because I don't have a clue what I'm doing and haven't tried for at least 10 years.

Have you read the masterdoc? There is a lot there to help you work out your feelings and what they mean. I also recommend some of the lesbian subreddits, there's one called r/latebloomerlesbians which you may find interesting.
www.docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf

@ShinyMe I feel the same! I know some of my gay friends don't fine it that hard because they did the inexperienced dating thing at 16 when everyone was inexperienced! Now I feel like I just don't know what I'm doing!

I haven't read it but I'll definitely give it a go! I also completely forgot Reddit was a thing 😂 I'll re download it and have a look at the sub!

I'm sure it'll get easier for us! I'm in two minds, part of me says just jump in and give it a go and the other part says ease in gently! Either way I'm pretty scared 🤦🏻‍♀️

I think really, there's very little difference between jumping in and easing in gently. They're both a big step from doing nothing. But I imagine it gets easier.
I've given up on the app for now, as I'm in a bit of a slump, but I'll go back and make a bit of an effort at some point. I've only talked to a couple of women properly so far - had a date arranged with one but she cancelled last minute to go back to her ex, and had a date with one which was fine, but she said she only wanted to be friends (and then never replied again), and maybe started half a dozen other conversations which just drifted into nothing because I wasn't feeling any kind of genuine interest.

@ShinyMe no I get that, you're right either way it's a big thing! I haven't really tried the apps much tbh but I'm sure I'll do it eventually I need to work up the courage first 🤦🏻‍♀️

I'd say am bi But with a male partner who wouldn't very supportive - Very hard in that situation as every time I've tried to bring it up it's been shut down

Pretty sure Onlyawoman is having a shitty dig at trans women there rather than cis gay men (to be expected on MN I guess, but still 🙄)

OP, plenty of people come out later in life (I’m one of them). You will get a few people not wanting to date women who haven’t already dated other women, but that’s on them I guess. Some dating apps are much better than others but worth a look.

What might be helpful is trying to meet others in the same situation, or just the LGBTQ+ scene generally.

Oh, and as for whether you are bi/lesbian… the best advice I ever got was that straight women don’t usually tend to ask themselves that question!

Sorry, that should have said cis straight men!

@Sunnydaze22 oh that must be very difficult for you! I'm lucky that I didn't feel/think about it until I was single! I think I'd have found it too hard to deal with but I guess that's also what's stopped me having meaningful straight relationships! Hopefully your situation works out how you want it to!!

@nahnothanks mmh possibly I didn't see that at first but yeah that could be true!
Yeah I've found it's a hut like going for a job that asks for experience but no one is willing to give you the experience to get the job 🤦🏻‍♀️
Yeah I need to get in the LGBT+ scene a bit more but it's pretty dead lesbian wise where I am unfortunately!

You have a very solid point with that tbh! A straight woman probably would never think of it!

I am in a similar position as you although I am a bit older.

I have only had disappointing relationships with men and sex has always been pretty unfulfilling.

I put this on the fact that I lacked self-confidence and ended up dating men who only cared about themselves and treated me poorly. I have had counselling which has helped me build up my self-worth again.

I know I am not asexual as to be blunt I find ''self-satisfaction'' pretty easy to achieve and very enjoyable but sex with men is just not working...

Now I am starting to wonder if I missed something. I did have a little flirt with a couple of women and drunkenly kissed them when I was in my mid-20s but put it down as experimenting and silly nights out.

Now I am really considering trying to try to get back on the dating scene and meeting women.

But like you I am worried I will be seen as just a bi-curious, rejected for not having had proper relationships with women before and I don't quite know where to start and where to go. I was looking at Meet-ups as a less pressured way than dating apps to meet people and I am volunteering at Pride as a steward next Saturday!

Hope you manage to meet interesting women too.

‘know the gay clubs in my city are full of straight men who find it such fun to hate on the gays and ogle the lesbian couples! They only go to gay bars because it usually pretty cheap alcohol especially on certain nights!’

Dont know what city you’re in but any straight men behaving like that in the places the bars and clubs in my city would be booted out by the clientele and the bouncers!
start slow, go on an app like HER, go to a local Pride or a girls’ night. Plenty of women come out later in life.
just be honest, no gay/bi woman wants to feel like she’s someone’s experiment but you’ll find women very forgiving about any past relationships with men if you are gay, or bi.

How about a weekend in somewhere like Brighton or Manchester with a friend? Go check out some events or nights. Brighton is super gay friendly and I can promise you now, there are no straight people in the pubs and bars in Kemp town taking the piss out of gay people or harassing gay women.

Have a look around your house and see how many rainbows there are. That's a sign.

@Whitehorsegirl yeah it's so nerve wracking isn't it just starting out! I don't want people thinking I'm just using them to experiment etc!

I'm the same with men, I just thought they were all being selfish etc

I'm going to start to work on myself and then start dating in a different pool I think.

Working pride is a good idea though! I might do that next year!

Finger crossed for you! I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for!

@Ahgoonyegirlye noooo the gay bars in my town are the only places open until late so once the normal bars and pubs Chuck out they head to the gay bars, they only avoid them on paid event nights because tickets are usually pretty expensive and sell out fast, but on normal nights they would rather pay the £5 entry than go home! So there's usually lots of straight women trying to grind on gay men to get free drinks (that can be pretty funny to watch tbh, I saw a gay man actually throw up into his mouth when a woman was grinding on him🤦🏻‍♀️) there's plenty of straight men on nights out trying to pull women who have come out with gay friends etc it's terrible

I didn't know about HER I'll definitely check that out thank you!

I'm hoping I can find some forgiving women

@Mysterian tbf my house is pretty rainbow free, disappointingly!

Yeah, that's how I read that too, tbh. Trans women are women, trans lesbians are still lesbians, as I see it.

I found it really useful when I first started coming out to people, to talk to the local LGBTQ+ organisation. I had a nice chat with a lady from the local group, and it really helped me think through a few things. They have all sorts of groups running - so far I've been unable to go to any as the lesbian one clashed with a class I was doing, but the class is over now so I'm going to make an effort to go.

One of the things I'm finding hard is wanting to look and dress a bit more clearly gay. I'm trying to add little things, because I'd like to not look so middle aged straight woman, but I don't really know where to start.

@ShinyMe how can a trans woman be lesbian? They are male. Same sex attracted people are gay.

@jeaux90 trans women are WOMEN hence the term trans women!! They are born in the wrong body so transition to female with surgery.

@Rosequartz48

Absolute tripe. No one is born in the wrong body, homophobic rubbish calling males lesbians.

@jeaux90 I'm homophobic? I'm a lesbian!!