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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH if he is asexual

49 replies

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 16:23

We have been together since our early 20s and are now in our late 30s. we have a ten year old daughter

Since we started dating, he has never been hugely interested in sex. Looking back, I think he only initiated it because it was “expected” of a man.

we did have sex regularly when trying for a baby, but as soon as i was pregnant it stopped, as he was scared it could harm the baby (it took a while to conceive)

over the years we only really have sex if I initiate it. very seldom does he.

I believe that despite this he loves me completely. He’s the kindest husband and this aside is the best husband and father to my child that I can ask for.

i ended up crying the other day because it just feels like he doesn’t desire me. He tells me he loves me, and that I’m beautiful (I’m actually not), and I believe he does. He has photos of me all over his phone.

he has been trying since then to initiate sex, but I feel worried that it’s pity sex rather than real desire on his part.

ive been looking online about asexuality, and it makes me think he is asexual.

i don’t want to upset him, but I really think he is asexual, and I don’t know whether to speak to him about it

OP posts:
SandyWedges · 23/06/2022 16:26

He's your husband of course speak to him about it. Calmly and gently.

LittlestBaoBun · 23/06/2022 16:32

Not unreasonable. Specially as if he is secretly keeping potential feelings of disgust or upset through feeling he has to have sex, it's important he can let that out. It's not always that bad but I have asexual friends who have described it this way. My ex husband is asexual. Only initiated if he'd been drinking, was very vanilla, boring, unskilled and whenever I initiated it felt wrong somehow. We were able to separate amicably and are still friendly.

He may harbour feelings of shame or inadequacy too. Whether asexual or not - might be a separate issue. Or just a very low drive.

My ex husband was attracted to me and said lovely things to me, just wasn't a sexual person.

It is potentially opening a can of worms, relationship wise obviously, but if you aren't feeling ok about initiating anymore, or feel he's forcing himself for your benefit, you won't enjoy it anyway so it's better in the open.

Ahgoonyegirlye · 23/06/2022 16:34

Ask but don’t be surprised if he’s gay or having an affair…

Original poster
Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 16:37

I think that’s my fear:
opening a can of worms. It absolutely horrifies me that this could cause the end of our marriage. But at the same time, it’s really not nice to feel that you are getting “pity” sex. I’m crying at the moment at the thought of it. It would break his heart, and mine too.

at the same time, I don’t want to go through the rest of my life either not having sex or having “pity sex” for want of a better word.

when we do have sex he always makes sure that I come first. But then doesn’t always come himself.

I don’t blame him for this. I think it’s just who he is, and isn’t something he really has any control over.

prior to meeting me he had sex a handful of times, but didn’t really enjoy it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 16:39

I’m certain he’s not having an affair. I don’t think he’d actually be interested in sex with anyone else.

I highly doubt he is gay. He hasn’t shown any inclination to being gay. He’s not homophobic either; we have joint gay friends etc

OP posts:
Skelligsfeathers · 23/06/2022 16:42

Can I ask a question? How did you end up married? Sex is obviously important to you. How did you end up married to someone who doesn't enjoy sex?
It is worth thinking about it. At some point you have obviously thought the compromise was worth it? Ie...this man is so nice, i can spend the rest of my life having bad sex?
What has your thought process been?

BigFatLiar · 23/06/2022 16:45

He may have been brought up to view sex as wrong. I have read that some men put their partner on a pedestal and consider sex wrong. They miss the point of being with a real person and may need to be convinced it's OK to enjoy it. Talk to him, if he doesn't always finish what does he actually enjoy, make extra effort to satisfy him sexually and let him see you are able to dnjoy it together.

LadyLolaRuben · 23/06/2022 16:46

From what you have said so far, sounds like he has a very low sex drive

HangOnToYourself · 23/06/2022 16:47

I suppose you have to consider what will happen if he is, how will you deal with it?

zingally · 23/06/2022 16:54

Maybe he is.

But he's your husband. Surely you can talk to him about it?

Original poster
Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 16:54

@Skelligsfeathers because I love him. Because he loves me too. And he’s my best friend. And we are happy together (with this exception). I remember on our wedding night he wasn’t interested in sex, but we were both drunk and had a flight to the US in the morning. On honeymoon we had sex a few times, but again, I felt like he could take it or leave it.

the idea of breaking up our marriage and life together is too painful to bear. I’ve had relationships which were better sexually but never felt as loved as I do with DH, or felt the same amount of love for anyone else

OP posts:
Wimblepeep · 23/06/2022 16:57

I relate to this. OH is the same. And to answer a PP, you don’t really notice at the start, because your own excitement in the moment (and drive to initiate) covers over the fact that they aren’t putting in the same enthusiasm or effort. If the OP’s partner is like mine, then he will have tried. My OH is gentle, kind, and considerate. But he seemingly has zero thought or desire for sex. I’m pretty sure he’s on the autism spectrum. Have you considered that, OP?

Skelligsfeathers · 23/06/2022 17:01

I appreciate that you love him and he is sweet and kind etc
But unless you were celibate before your wedding night, this MUST have come up.

Skelligsfeathers · 23/06/2022 17:04

The point i am clumsily trying to make , is that ge must always have been like this and you decided it was worth it.
The same applies now- you won't change him so your choice is the loving relationship you have minus sex OR the opportunity to pursue a more exciting sex life and no marriage.

OR you talk about opening up the marriage

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 23/06/2022 17:04

If he is, or just has a very low sex drive, what would you do? Would you accept it but make more time for your own pleasure either with him or alone or would you find it a dealbreaker and either want to seperate or have an open relationship?

I think it's a really important conversation for you to have, not having an answer will bother you forever more and it's best to know the truth

Proudboomer · 23/06/2022 17:08

Why do you have to give him any label?
He clearly has a low sex drive and it is upto you whether you are happy with that but I don’t see how giving the man a label helps.

AngelinaFibres · 23/06/2022 17:08

I have a gay male friend. He tried sex with women when he was young, because that's what all his friends were doing. He looked like George Michael so he got a lot of attention. He didn't enjoy vaginas at all and experimented with sex with men. He is now married to a man. Your husband may be asexual, gay, freaked out by sex, have no sex drive. None of us can tell you. You must be prepared that you won't like the answer and that your life will never be the same again.
I asked my first husband if he loved me. I expected him to say "Of course I do, don't be daft". He said no he didn't hand hadn't for years. No way to carry on after that.

10HailMarys · 23/06/2022 17:10

I think you do need to talk to him.

He might indeed be asexual. Or he might have some psychological problems around sex due to upbringing or something traumatic in his past or some kind of hang-up, or he might have problems with the way he perceives his body in a sexual scenario. Or he might even have a physical problem like a hormonal imbalance or any number of other issues (I had an ex who had some significant problems in this area, and when he finally went to the doctor one of the questions they asked him was 'Do you know if you ever had any head injuries as a child?'!)

Presumably he isn't on any kind of medication? Antidepressants can really affect sexual function for some men.

If you talk to him (and you should do that) just make sure you do it in the kindest and most supportive way possible. He needs to feel psychologically safe enough to open up to you.

Original poster
Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 17:11

@Wimblepeep im sure he is on the autism spectrum too (not diagnosed)

@Skelligsfeathers I don’t know why, but it didn’t bother me as much in the past. But then I realised that I want sex. Started feeling attracted to other men a few years ago. Never acted on it at all, but realised that I was really missing sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 17:14

@AngelinaFibres I think I’m afraid that I won’t like the answer, and that it’ll break our marriage up

OP posts:
Confusedmonkey · 23/06/2022 17:16

It sounds like you have some sex. He may be asexual, but he also may have a low sex drive or be poor at initiating it. I would talk to him about it calmly and gently. Definitely don't take it personally. It sounds like he loves you. You could consider relationship counselling to discuss it if you think it might help.

Confusedmonkey · 23/06/2022 17:23

OP. I am sorry I didn't see your last posts before I posted. I had a long term boyfriend before I met my DH who I am sure had high functioning autism, but undiagnosed. We had relationship counselling with realte and it really helped. There were also some good books I read about relationship and ASD that helped (realise you may already have read lots about it anyway though). In the end we split up, but that was mostly unrelated to his probable autism and I do think the counselling was helpful.

LibertyBlues · 23/06/2022 17:25

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 17:11

@Wimblepeep im sure he is on the autism spectrum too (not diagnosed)

@Skelligsfeathers I don’t know why, but it didn’t bother me as much in the past. But then I realised that I want sex. Started feeling attracted to other men a few years ago. Never acted on it at all, but realised that I was really missing sex.

My husband was never sexual. When we did have sex he was very boring and didn't have a clue. He was my first so I didn't either! In time my attraction for him faded and we ended up drifting into a sexless marriage for over a decade. I think he is also on the autism spectrum but has gone undiagnosed.
I lived sexless (no affection, no kisses, no hand holding) for years and stayed for the sake of my children (one of whom was conceived artificially). I accepted it. Menopause changed that! Increased my sex drive dramatically and I ended up involved with someone else. I ended my marriage immediately after realising the way I'd been living for many years. OM no longer in my life after a few years but I regret living within a cold marriage for so long. I'm now alone and coming to terms with things but my biggest regret is that I didn't end it years ago. I have missed out on so much that intimacy/sex brings. I also realised I was suppressing my passions.

BattenburgDonkey · 23/06/2022 17:25

Is your marriage not over anyway though? Attaching a label to who he is won’t make him want any more or less sex, so I can’t see what different itl make, also if he says no it’s not that, he just doesn’t want much sex, what’s the difference? It sounds like you can’t live in a sexless marriage anymore, which is totally understandable.

LibertyBlues · 23/06/2022 17:26

You could ask him to get his testosterone levels checked.