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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH if he is asexual

49 replies

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 16:23

We have been together since our early 20s and are now in our late 30s. we have a ten year old daughter

Since we started dating, he has never been hugely interested in sex. Looking back, I think he only initiated it because it was “expected” of a man.

we did have sex regularly when trying for a baby, but as soon as i was pregnant it stopped, as he was scared it could harm the baby (it took a while to conceive)

over the years we only really have sex if I initiate it. very seldom does he.

I believe that despite this he loves me completely. He’s the kindest husband and this aside is the best husband and father to my child that I can ask for.

i ended up crying the other day because it just feels like he doesn’t desire me. He tells me he loves me, and that I’m beautiful (I’m actually not), and I believe he does. He has photos of me all over his phone.

he has been trying since then to initiate sex, but I feel worried that it’s pity sex rather than real desire on his part.

ive been looking online about asexuality, and it makes me think he is asexual.

i don’t want to upset him, but I really think he is asexual, and I don’t know whether to speak to him about it

OP posts:

Original poster

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 17:26

@Confusedmonkey we’ve had sex about a handful of times this year. Probably even less than that over 2020 and 2021. Before lockdown it was probably once every one or two months

OP posts:

Justmuddlingalong · 23/06/2022 17:27

Reading your answers and your fear of the marriage ending if you have that conversation, I think you have to either accept how he is, for the sake of not upsetting the apple cart, or gently approach him, but you're therefore taking a chance on getting answers that you don't want to hear.

LibertyBlues · 23/06/2022 17:28

If you're attracted to other men the there's your answer!

Original poster

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 17:31

@LibertyBlues I think everyone gets attracted to other people sometimes? Don’t they? I don’t think fancying someone else necessarily means that you want to run away with them.

OP posts:

brookln · 23/06/2022 17:45

It's just almost 'iconic' that suggestions you're getting are that he's possibly autistic or gay.

When a man posts that his wife is not interested in sex the first suggestion he gets is 'do you pull your weight around the house?' Nobody is their right mind would suggest that a wife is autistic and therefore not interested in sex.

Original poster

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 17:47

Does autism result in a disinterest in sex? I didn’t think they were related?

OP posts:

brookln · 23/06/2022 17:51

It's been brought up by at least two posters.

Hallyup89 · 23/06/2022 17:55

I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know you're discussing him like this online. Keep some stuff between you ffs.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 23/06/2022 18:11

It's significant that you've decided to post this question on Mumsnet now. It's obviously something that's absorbing a great deal of headspace and troubling you a lot. I guess you will have that conversation with him sooner or later and you need to be prepared to find that your marriage ends because of it.

StanleyGreen · 23/06/2022 18:18

Hallyup89 · 23/06/2022 17:55

I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know you're discussing him like this online. Keep some stuff between you ffs.

Well you're the one who's carried on reading it. So if you're going to be self righteous, take a look at yourself first.

BigFatLiar · 23/06/2022 18:19

The only way to know is to talk to him. Could be any number of reasons why sex is lacking, if you are still both affectionate try looking up Madonna syndrome.

Pashazade · 23/06/2022 18:38

Nope autism and not being interested in sex is not a thing, I should imagine the rates of interested vs. Not interested are the same as in the NT population.

ThisWormHasTurned · 23/06/2022 18:43

I’m just wondering if you had any tests done when you struggled to conceive? I had this with STBXH, lack of desire for sex, difficulty coming…turned out he had a medical problem that caused low testosterone and one of the consequences was a low sex drive. It’s not irreversible if it is that..I think you need to talk to him and maybe suggest about seeing the GP.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/06/2022 18:54

Most likely has low testosterone - that's the most obvious answer once you've ruled out gay or previous sexual abuse/overly religious background/boarding school

Original poster

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 19:02

Nope, no sexual abuse nor a religious background, just boring old CoE/agnostic background.

OP posts:

Sarah2891 · 23/06/2022 19:42

Well he could be asexual, I don't think it would hurt to ask him if he's ever wondered if he is. Don't say it in an accusing way, obviously. But you could bring the subject up.

FitAt50 · 23/06/2022 19:48

Ahgoonyegirlye · 23/06/2022 16:34

Ask but don’t be surprised if he’s gay or having an affair…

What a thoughtless and stupid thing to say.

Naunet · 23/06/2022 20:05

brookln · 23/06/2022 17:45

It's just almost 'iconic' that suggestions you're getting are that he's possibly autistic or gay.

I sort of agree, but at the same time, men and women are different.

OP, (assuming he is asexual) do you think there’s any way he’d agree to an open marriage? Maybe that way things could work?

Bergamotte · 23/06/2022 20:17

If he IS asexual, some asexuals are sex-repulsed (so actively dislike it). But others just feel "meh" about sex and will happily engage in it with someone they care about, even though they don't get anything sexual out of it the self. I'm not explaining this very well but similar to how someone might happily give their partner a shoulder massage, because it feels nice to make to person you love happy.
So if he was asexual, it wouldn't necessarily be "pity sex" or anything to feel weird about. Might just need a bit of discussion to find out how best you can meet each others' needs, with neither one feeling their boundaries are threatened.

If he is open to checking physical causes like hormone levels though, that would be a good thing to look into.

Original poster

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 20:40

Thanks@Bergamotte

i feel a bit icky about the idea of an open relationship to be honest.

oh and did you know that daily Mail readers tend to have really low iqs?

the daily Mail is a scum rag

OP posts:

TheWayoftheLeaf · 23/06/2022 20:47

Ahgoonyegirlye · 23/06/2022 16:34

Ask but don’t be surprised if he’s gay or having an affair…

What? 😂

More likely he just has a low sex drive. My and my partner are both like this. We just don't really think about sex very much. We're not gay or having an affair... it's normal.

Nobheadex · 23/06/2022 21:28

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 17:47

Does autism result in a disinterest in sex? I didn’t think they were related?

Yes, a thousand times yes.

Original poster

Partyinthedark · 23/06/2022 21:31

@Nobheadex do you mean that they are related or not? (That sounds harsh: I’m not meaning to be rude!)

OP posts:

Wimblepeep · 23/06/2022 22:28

Autism and disinterest in sex are definitely related. That doesn’t mean every autistic person is disinterested, but there is a strong correlation. It’s often relating to sensory issues.

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