Head has not done what they said they would

[ShepherdMoons]

Dd in Year 4 has experienced bullying with two of her friends. It's been more of a mental bullying with them saying things about us (her parents) that we are going to die, her pet dying, criticising her body and looks, ostracising her, whispering etc.

The class teacher tried to resolve it but the problem persisted and then we spoke to the Head. At this point (7 months on) dd was suffering with anxiety and ocd. The Head told us didn't think the girls doing this behaviour really knew what they were doing and probably just needed an informal chat in his office. He also said that he would check in with dd every week to see how she was getting on.

This was over five weeks ago and the head didn't speak to the girls, he got the class teacher to have a 'little' word with them (according to the class teacher). He checked on them at lunchtime the day I had spoken to him and one of the girls went up to dd and hugged her. After that the head hasn't spoken to me or dd about the problem but it has persisted.

A new girl joined the school a few weeks ago and dd made friends with her and played with her at lunchtime. It made a massive difference to her mental health and we saw the bubbly girl we love returning. Yesterday the two girls who were bullying her have been playing with dd's new friend and started turning her against dd. They've been making nasty comments in class (the three of them) and dd cried herself to sleep again last night.

AIBU to think I have been to the Head once and really nothing got done? Where should I go with this now? The school website does not have a bullying policy, it seems to be a small part of the behaviour policy.

Honestly I would look at moving either to a different class or a different school. Once you lose cofidence in the school's ability to address issues it is not worth staying. The disruptive class doesn't sound good and the bullying between the girls if it is as sly as you say is much easier to ignore than other children running riot. She has two years left, best to make them happy years. Have a look at a few other schools and get her on some waiting lists. There is often movement over the summer.

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor thanks, you could be right. I really wish I could feel more faith in the school right now to resolve these problems.

I would have kept your daughter off today OP as it is not a safe enviroment for her to be in regarding their lack of safeguarding and impact onher mental health and well being. due to their inaction..they will soon shift and sort things out if you do that..

Have you read OP's post? Obviously it wasn't sorted. OP presumably wants the head to do his job.

Ask for a meeting with the head. Go along with a copy of their bullying and discipline policies, and go through the bullying policy in particular asking what he's done under each heading. Ask him for a defined plan of what he's going to do to nip this in the bud. It doesn't have to be confrontational, emphasise that you intend it to be constructive to ensure your child is safe in school - and that includes safe in terms of her mental health.

Ideally take someone with you for moral support and to take detailed notes, then get the notes typed up as minutes in particular recording what he has agreed to do and give him a copy of the notes. If you can't take someone with you, record the meeting and use that to take minutes. You don't have to ask for permission or even let him know you are doing it under the Data Protection Act so long as you keep the recording solely for your own purposes.

i knew before you said it that the school would have other (read:loud, physical boys and behaviour problems) issues that would make them see a girl’s issues as not as important.

Go in and make a fuss. Repeatedly. And point out that nice little chats with the perpetrators is completely ineffectual.

You might also want to read “Bully Proof Kids” by Stella O’Malley. Unfortunately, teaching your daughter to be less kind is a good defence.

How detailed is the anti bullying policy? It’s a statutory requirement to have one and to display it on the website. I would do as others have said and ask for a formal meeting to discuss the policy and how it has been implemented. If you are unhappy with the outcome of the meeting and any follow up, I’d write a formal letter of complaint to the head and start taking it to the governors.

Its so frustrating, because competent leadership could have sorted this for your dd months ago. I am so sorry she is having to experience this. As someone has suggested, if the head is unable to take control of this situation I’d have serious misgivings about his ability as a head and that would concern me about the school more widely and I’d start to explore the possibility of moving your daughter.

I hope you are able to get it sorted.

I've looked at the school website again and there isn't a separate bullying policy. It is part of the overall behaviour policy. It does state that bullying would be taken seriously, logged and also the parents of the children involved would be informed.

Thank you for the advice about the governors. I will ensure I make a formal complaint.

I have sent my dd in today as I am worried about her missing her education but I have assured her that I will try to sort this out for her.

You also need to look at and use their safeguarding policy as they are not safeguarding your child. Be clear on both the behaviour and safe guarding policies escalation process and tell them the time scales you will make the next escalation. You can escalate safeguarding concerns to the local authority...They will try and minimise...Use social services info on different domains of need...one is social and emotional well-being. Be resolute clear and set some smart goals with them. Ask them to evidence their action plan (especially in light of the last one). Research and present them with info on relational bullying and the impacts (there are gender differences).... Point out you are near to school refusal...(this screws their stats). In short make a very very big deal and be relentless. I have bitter experience if this shit so massive hugs to you and your girl...

Nothing worse than a school that refuses to come down hard on bullies.

Keep kicking off, OP. They're hoping the problem will just go away.

The head emailed me about ten minutes ago. It was a bit curt, just enclosing the bullying policies and he said he'd observed dd at break time playing and she was playing with someone and all was okay. He said the class teacher is also keeping an eye out.

I think you should meet with the Head again. Follow up with a letter to the governors regardless. And have a plan B for moving to other schools if the matter is not resolved.

Thanks yes I think that would be a good idea. I feel like I'm annoying to him, it's like he doesn't want to know about any issues or problems.

Problem is if they don't want to sort it out you can't make them - as they often "don't see the problems".

If it's two form entry insist on moving forms - that worked for one of mine - just a break from the relentlessness was enough.

In another case our older child stepped in - teacher insisted she saw nothing but everyone else did - it was enough to stop it.

Otherwise look at changing school - that does tend to be frowned upon but if it's the class make up it can work I know many children who flourished after doing so. I'd see how feasible this is - get information of which other local schools have places.

Right, now the head has failed to engage you can go straight to governors with your complaint - unable to safeguard your child, poor response to parental complaint, unable to look after your child’s mental health and well being.

I'm raging! Just because she has someone to play with today doesn't make it ok that there is regular ongoing bullying.

Yes I agree, I'm still going to send the letter to the Head. I felt the letter was very dismissive and it was like he was trying to make out there were no issues at all.

Sorry I mean to say the Head's email was dismissive. I have letters on the brain!!

Whatever you do put it all in writing! My son is in yr 6 soon to leave and has been through bullying by one individual throughout he's primary school life and the school refuse to acknowledge he was bullied and go as far as telling me I'm lying about him being bullied. So put it all in writing because you never know when you'll need to reference it. I made the mistake of not doing that and now it's my word against there's. Keep on it and definitely speak to the head again if nothing is resolved then if your school has governors you should cc them into emails or send letters to them. Make them aware nothing is being done and it cannot continue. I hope you get it sorted from one mum who has been there, it isn't easy.

Thanks everyone, sorry for a late response. I've given a letter in to the Head. Dd really didn't want to go to school this morning (imagine going into her room and sitting behind the door, refusal to get dressed, crying, etc.). We made it in a bit late but she went in all the same. Today nothing has changed. The class teacher has not even checked in with me. The Head has not checked in with me. Dd says she didn't play with anyone again (her old friends play together with the new friend she made).

In these circumstances would you consider moving schools?

Don’t call, email. I’m a teacher and my head sounds similar to this one 🙃 Either give them a chance and just email them directly first stating what has happened or if you’ve already done that email them, copying in their boss. I’m in Scotland so we have local authority heads of education but I know it’s all different in England

@ShepherdMoons did you keep a copy of the letter? You need a paper trail to prove you have sent it to them, if you have an email I would send it via email too. I haven’t read all the comments but the class teacher is no doubt on her knees and she does sound as if she has been left to deal with it up to this point. Was she informed today to be able to do something about it? 9 times out of 10 I’d say the class teacher would be trying her best, it’s usually management as well as the lack of any sort of sanctions or consequences that is the issue. All she is physically able to do is have a ‘little chat’ 🙄

Yes move schools. Of course you shouldn't have to etc. But your child's mental health is worth the disruption. Move her swiftly. This school won't change.

I've got a copy of the letter, I have not spoken to the class teacher today as we were late into school. I feel like the Head is nearly ready for retirement and doesn't really want to know of any problems. That's just the impression I have.