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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Employee stealing from a food bank

326 replies

QQWWEERRTTTYYY · 22/06/2022 14:44

NC'd for this. I run a food bank. I have a (paid) assistant Mary, along with lots of volunteers. My assistant used to be a volunteer, for context, but this is now her first proper job. She's on the autistic spectrum but very high-functioning. She is due to leave at the end of this month (travel, then uni). She's 19.

Anyway - I'm pretty sure she's stealing stock. Not donations from the public, but corporate type donations - bulk packs of biscuits, crisps etc. Always treat-y things rather than the (many) more mundane foods we have. Eg we receive two boxes of Dairy Milk at 2pm on Monday, I see them on the shelf, I head off at 3.30 and leave Mary there to finish whatever task - and when I come back in at 7 the next morning, one of the boxes is open and two large bars are missing. That sort of thing, again and again. On some of these occasions other people are in too, but the common denominator is Mary (and she'd always be the one in last/locking up). It's also extended to leaving the wrappers lying around on occasion, which is both dumb and infuriating.

Lives at home in a very well-off house, no expenses/money issues, no shortage of food - I'm quite certain. It feels, instinctively, like "teenage bottomless pit" type behaviour.

So:
Catch her out definitively?
Give her a vague but pointed chat about our stock and what it's for?
Say something before I wave her off at the end of the month?
Ignore?
Some other thing?

I don't think the value of what she's stealing is any great shakes, but a) really, who the hell steals from a food bank? b) theft is theft c) I trained her up and gave her a brilliant opportunity with this job, so I find it quite hurtful. I also would rather she learn her lesson now rather than when she's, I dunno, Chancellor of the Exchequer.

I don't have any other managers etc to bounce this off. I have trustees, who I suspect will leave it with me to make a decision as I see fit. WWYD?

OP posts:
Theoldwoman · 22/06/2022 15:32

Possibly a binge eating disorder. Her parents may be unaware.

BattenburgDonkey · 22/06/2022 15:33

What did she say when you asked her why the boxes were open or what the wrappers were from?

OverTheRubicon · 22/06/2022 15:34

She could have an eating disorder - they're unfortunately fairly common among young women in general and neurodiverse young women in particular. People with EDs are also often drawn to food-related roles , and control issues around 'treat' food is a common issue.
She did initially volunteer at the food bank, so presumably she wants to help those in need and isn't generally out of herself.

Doesn't mean you should allow it to continue, but having known people in this position, do think it's worth trying to be kind. My relative is now a wonderfully kind and caring person, but at her lowest point once ate somebody else's birthday cake, the night before the party, which took us all a long time to get over.

I'd be direct, say you know it's an issue, you're setting up a camera and if it happens again it will have to be immediate dismissal, but do consider that she may be absolutely full of shame about this situation, and if she's otherwise decent, maybe give her a chance to make it right financially.

IWishIWasABaller · 22/06/2022 15:34

Her parents jobs and big house don't come into it. My kids have a friends who live in a huge house , parents are private doctors , several big luxury holidays abroad a year, new expensive cars and the kids are constantly underfed. It's well known in the village that the kids are constantly starving and my kids often bring extra food to school for them . So who knows despite her background she could be hungry?

Winniewonka · 22/06/2022 15:34

Tell ALL the staff that as items, particularly the luxury items are going missing from the stock room, you'll be installing a camera in there. Say it's unfortunate that you have to say this to everyone but it's happening regularly.
Anyone found taking goods without permission or deliberately covering up the camera will instantly dismissed.
I would put printed notices up too. Nobody can claim unfair dismissal if they have been informed.

goldfinchonthelawn · 22/06/2022 15:35

When I worked at a food bank we logged everything that went out in each parcel. So you could see at a glance whether stock tallied or not.

I would say that stuff has been going missing and you just want everyone to be aware that it is treated as stealing and in particular, stealing from the poorest people in the country as well as dishonouring the donations from companies who provide food in good faith that it will go to feed people who are truly hungry not volunteers who fancy a snack. Tell her you will have a word with everyone but since she is a paid assistant it is essential that you clear this up with her first.

Vates · 22/06/2022 15:35

You need to question everyone (not talking about an interrogation) but if you can't prove it is her for definite then it must be hard to accuse her to your colleagues or boss. But, lol, at the poster who said 'is she overweight?'. I am fat, still haven't and wouldn't ever steal.

AquaticSewingMachine · 22/06/2022 15:36

If you are pretty sure she will lie if asked, I would probably go with having an all staff meeting reminding people that taking donations is not allowed and due to persistent issues with this, you will be introducing a camera system. Then either it never happens again, or you have your cast iron evidence.

Fulbe · 22/06/2022 15:39

This is theft, of the absolute worst kind as she is essentially taking food out of the mouths of those most in need. It's unpleasant to have to face this, but you have to talk to her about this and reinforce how bad this behaviour is. as you say, she's young and probably isn't thinking of it in this way but needs to understand.

daretodenim · 22/06/2022 15:41

The OP has no proof it was Mary she just has strong suspicions. If she accuses Mary directly or says something that is clear that she only suspects Mary then it will be disability discrimination. I don't think the OP wants to be forking out to defend herself and her organisation at an employment tribunal.

I'm not going to contradict this but there does seem to be a problem if someone with a disability can't be told they're suspected of wrong doing, but someone without a protected characteristic can. But if it means OP could be in a sticky situation then definitely best pay heed to this.

Also other posters are saying it could be the autism that's causing her to do this. I'm quite surprised that a) it's not ablest to even suggest that and b) there's actually no way of proving either way. What is clear, however, is that this young woman knows she's stealing, because she's doing it when OP isn't there. She's not wandering around munching on chocolate in front of everyone. How can it be poor impulse control when the impulse is controlled when OP, if not others, are around. And it's not a one-off.

OP I'd be tempted to get cameras up ASAP and announce to everyone that they're going up because things are going missing - and if anybody is caught from now on it's a dismissal (or whatever your plan is). Put it in writing so there's no misunderstandings. I wouldn't wait for something to go missing again though, just get on with it. The goal is first to stop the items being taken and if someone is caught, that's second.

And if this woman wants a reference, then it just needs to be one to confirm she worked there and when (assuming she's not caught stealing).

btw She's 19, and about to go travelling and to uni, she's a functioning young adult. Calling/telling her parents is a pretty patronising suggestion!

DomPerignon12 · 22/06/2022 15:42

thenewduchessoflapland · 22/06/2022 15:29

It's an impulse control thing;I have family members who are autistic and things like crisps,chocolate,biscuits are like kryptonite to them;they are sweet,crunchy and more importantly easy to eat;there's no food preparation involved;you open and eat.

Early this morning I had a grocery delivery;between 6am and 8am my 13 year DS who has ASD had managed to sneak off with a 5 packet multi pack of crisps and scoff the lot;I'm not particularly happy about that;I have to physically hide packets of biscuits etc

You have to remember people with ASD have logic that doesn't fit with other people's logic.In Mary's mind if it's in a bulk corporate donation then it might not matter;if you confront her it's likely she might lie about it out of panic she might get into trouble.

You need to very tactful on broaching this with her.

So how would you do it? What would you say to her?

Saracen · 22/06/2022 15:42

I don't know whether this is likely in this case, but this sort of thing can be a form of self-sabotage. The fact she sometimes leaves the wrappers lying around almost seems like she wants to get caught.

There are various possible reasons for that: she doesn't want the job but doesn't want to quit because her parents would be cross, or she finds the job is too difficult and wants out, or she needs to get her parents' attention.

It reminds me of a situation in my uni hall of residence, where a very young student felt overwhelmed and homesick. He didn't feel able to say so, because there had been such celebration over his early uni admission and his escape from a challenging background. So he began stealing. At first everyone turned a blind eye, so he did it in a more and more obvious way. He wanted to be sent home, and eventually he was.

GettingEnoughMoonshine · 22/06/2022 15:43

I'd say you feel awful, you promised 2 families they'd have a chocolate bar and found 2 bars are unaccounted for and some very sad and hungry children left....

I wouldn't ask where they've gone. I'd do everything in my power to make her feel horrifically guilty. If she's going to university and travelling then she knows exactly what she's doing. Autism isn't aget out of jail free card, nor should anyone try to use it as such.

Tell her you'll be checking hidden CCTV if whoever it was doesn't come forward and tell you it'll be a police matter. Then when she comes forward sack her.

Beyond disgusting to steal from a food bank.

Fulbe · 22/06/2022 15:43

IWishIWasABaller · 22/06/2022 15:34

Her parents jobs and big house don't come into it. My kids have a friends who live in a huge house , parents are private doctors , several big luxury holidays abroad a year, new expensive cars and the kids are constantly underfed. It's well known in the village that the kids are constantly starving and my kids often bring extra food to school for them . So who knows despite her background she could be hungry?

I think this is probably something that should be reported to social services. Abuse can be covered up more by middle class families but it still happens.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 22/06/2022 15:45

Speak to her about it. If you have photos of before and after... you do really have proof.

You could start with the assumption that it is known that she is doing this (so no 'accusation' stage needed) do something along the lines of

'Now Amy, you are not supposed to take or eat items from our shelves yourself but if you ever do, it is really important to give me payment for them or to replace the item. You've quite a few to pay for from the last x weeks. Make sure you drop the cash/replacements off this week and before you leave next month.'

If she doesn't - do send a reminder to her ( and wait for payment) before giving a reference.

Applegreenb · 22/06/2022 15:48

I would ask her, but in a round about way. Ask for a meeting and say you have noticed x food missing, does she know anything about it? Can she help look out for where this is going?

Basically highlight to her you have noticed it but without confrontation. She then might stop knowing you are clocking it. Then if it continues, camera / more direct approach.

daretodenim · 22/06/2022 15:49

Can we put to bed the idea that autism = rationalising stealing?!

I have a number of family members who have autism and they would never in a million years steal anything. They'd be the ones upset by and reporting others stealing.

Autism is a wide spectrum and as such it's actually difficult to pin behaviours on the condition or not. But suggesting that people with it would be unable to stop themselves stealing food from hungry people is not necessarily true!

I actually think autism needs to be removed from this discussion, unless OP knows she has poor impulse control related to her autism, it's actually irrelevant.

Same with eating disorders. So what if she has an eating disorder, it doesn't make stealing food from a food bank ok. She deserves empathy for her condition, if she has it, but she simply shouldn't be employed around food as long as it's a problem.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 22/06/2022 15:50

Has it been made very clear to the staff that first dibs on donations isn't a perk of the job? I know that some places of work have a culture that free stationery etc isn't stealing, it's a perk. The fact some of the staff do get given food may blur the lines too? If you haven't already I'd make sure that everyone understands that the food is only to be distributed via the food bank - staff aren't entitled to it.

Yerroblemom1923 · 22/06/2022 15:50

@GettingEnoughMoonshine absolutely 100% it isn't a get out of jail card. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks like this!

Lovemusic33 · 22/06/2022 15:51

Don’t get a camera, I think there are rules around setting up cameras in workplaces without telling the staff?

Just call a quick meeting with all the staff and mention that the food isn’t to be taken. I wouldn’t make a huge deal out of it as she’s leaving anyway. She probably assumes ‘the food is given to the food bank for free so what does it matter if she takes a couple things?’, maybe she forgets to bring food with her for lunch? Both of my dc are on the spectrum and not very organised, one would take food without a 2nd thought though she's more severely autistic, she is great at lying too, where as my other dd would not take anything and can’t lie at all.

Ylvamoon · 22/06/2022 15:52

Ccrv imo and staff meeting about securit

Dread carefully. There are rules and regulations around this and how it can be used to monitor staff.

Blowthemandown · 22/06/2022 15:53

If you know of an occasion where it's definitely her (e.g. where you photographed, left, she was in, you came in, it was gone) then I'd have a non-accusatory word "When I left, this box was full. When I returned, it was open and some missing. Only you had access - just to remind you, that should not happen, but if there's a good reason then let me know".

Theft is always theft, no matter who the victim is, no matter how big or small. It is only 'not theft' when it's a known well-documented perk for example, or when you've said 'the donor has said we can each have a bar of this to thank us' or something. If someone was starving hungry then I might forgive if they came to me and said "sorry, I was really hungry here last night and I ate one, here's the replacement" but otherwise, no, there's no excuse.

If you have no proof, then the only 'non judgy' way is to remind everyone in a meeting "It looks like things are going missing, such as X, Y, Z. I know 99% of you would never steal, but just in case of any misunderstandings, may I remind you of our policy that nothing should be opened until it's put out on the shelves and whoever is doing it please stop as I shall be taking steps to identify and deal with the culprit"

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/06/2022 15:55

QQWWEERRTTTYYY · 22/06/2022 14:59

Do you really know her home situation? I'd tread very carefully.

I mean, she lives at home with dad a stockbroker and mum a GP, and it's a small community, so I'm sure she's not going hungry. We have volunteers who we also feed as they are in need - that's absolutely fine. But here it is only treats going missing.

To whoever asked if it could be a member of the public - no, this is all from a stock-room with limited access.

I don't think asking straight out will work, because in the past when I've asked her straight out about mistakes she has clearly made, she makes up a dumb rabbit-in-headlights lie. So I suspect I'd get "Oh, the chocolate? How strange. No, I have no idea" - even if she was the only one in at the time. And then what?

Doesn't mean they can't be controlling - keeping her wages or refusing her chocolate on the grounds that she isn't grown up enough to cope by herself or eat healthily.

My mother took my wages and when I was signing on, all but £11 of my unemployment benefit. Meant I didn't have money to go to job interviews, but if I didn't pay up, I would be thrown out. Just as well I found an amenable boyfriend, really.

Albgo · 22/06/2022 15:56

Chikapu · 22/06/2022 14:52

I would have a whole staff meeting and reiterate your policies with regard to the stock and who is entitled to it. It's disgustingly low to steal from a food bank.

Yes I agree with @Chikapu

QQWWEERRTTTYYY · 22/06/2022 15:57

Is she getting adequate meal breaks with somewhere to store a packed lunch? Do you have a system in place where there is a tea kitty and biscuits for staff? If you don't, perhaps it might be an idea to start one, with the explanation that it needs to be completely separate from the stock.

She is. Shifts are short (4 hours max) and there is an area for tea coffee etc. We had biscuits for staff (in a labelled tin) but I noticed them all vanishing while Mary was in. As in, I come in on Monday - full tin. During shift - no one helps themselves (it’s a clear Tupperware type thing). But then Mary is left alone at work and they all vanish before the next morning.

Volunteers who get food - these are in named parcels, so not a case of people going round helping themselves.

To those who asked if we had a policy, other managers etc - no. As in, I can sit down at my desk and write and issue a policy, but there’s no one else. I started the food bank. I have good trustees who are very experienced and I will ask them I think, but I’m thinking it all over at this stage. I had plenty of experience before doing what I do now, but never managing people.

OP posts:
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