13yr old vs 19yr old

[TeenageNightmare22]

DS15 is a nightmare teenager. His older siblings were NEVER this challenging, so I don't think its a parenting issue as such. Tbf, he's massively advanced academically for his age, and looks a lot older than he is. Short story is, he got involved with a 19! Year old a few months ago and since then his behavior has gone from challenging to diabolical. DH and I were not happy with him being involved with a 19 year old, but he just runs away every time we try to put limits on him. The 19 year old bought him cigarettes, alcohol etc. The police bring him home every time, but say their hands are tied. Anyway, after A LOT of talk from us, and advice from others, he broke up with the 19 year old. The 19 year old has since turned nasty and is accusing DS13 of being abusive, and of shoplifting and saying they were blackmailed into purchasing alcohol etc. DS is upset and angry and ran away again the other night when we queried his online behavior - we had a call from a counselor saying he had been abusing the 19year old online and they wanted the harassment to stop. When we asked DS about this he kicked off big time and ran away again.

AIBU for thinking the 19 year old is in the wrong here, not the 13 year old?

15 or 13?

Is ds13 a younger sibling of ds15 or are ds13 and ds15 the same person?

This

Sorry, DS15 was with 19 year old, also have a DS13 who is nowhere near as challenging as DS15

Im only referring to DS 15 in OP, please replace DS13 with DS15

Regardless of 13 or 15, the 19year old is committing child abuse.

@Rookiemistake that's my take on it too, but I'm rather taken aback on how many people IRL think DS15 is in the wrong . I think he probably has shoplifted (no proof), but it was likely due to pressure from the 19 year old.

For clarity, I'm horrified by the shoplifting, but can see how he would have been pressured into it. He looks, and can act, a lot older than he is, but he's still your average immature 15 year old.

I don’t think it has to be one or the other. Sounds to me like they’ve both done things they shouldn’t have. But the 19yo is obviously spinning it well to her counsellor.

Obviously DS15 is bang out of order if he's been shoplifting or abusive online. BUT I've zero proof of either happening other than the 19year old claiming this AFTER he broke up with them. Which leads me to think the 19 year old is making stuff up to cover the fact they got involved with a 15year old

I can't help but feel that if DS was a girl, the response would be very different.

She is an adult. He is a child. This needs to be made abundantly clear in any further communication.

The op hasn't made it clear that the 19 year old is female. (Not that it matters really I guess).

Your son is being groomed. 19 year old is an adult. The police are talking shit when they say "their hands are tied" that's bollocks

. Demand a meeting with the chief inspector

Is it a sexual relationship op? I think some communication with him to point out he's basically being having sex with a child might be a good place to start, but perhaps that's why he's getting his defense in early? I might be an adult and him a child but look how much he bullied me etc.

How is DS at school? Is there any support they can access he's take?

You don’t know who did what. You can only play the ‘one is an adult’ card. Keep your powder dry and try to get proper support. 15yo is going to have to engage with you to get through this but you will probably have to get him to come to you. Any close friends of 15yo who could act a go between to start the conversation, whose parents you know well enough to take into your confidence? You need outside help.

What was the challenging behaviour before he met the 19yr. What is the relationship with the 19yr?

I would LOVE outside help, but the majority seem to think he's living the dream having a 19year old at the age of 15. I strongly disagree. They says they have screenshots of his abusive behavior online, but refuses to provide them until they're in a safe space with support people.

I agree with this. I'm appalled by the response from the police.

If the relationship was sexual, the 19yo has committed child sexual abuse and should be arrested. Your DS challenging behaviour is very common reaction to being groomed and sexually abused by an adult. I’m sure that the police and parents are minimising this and victim blaming your DS because the 19yr old is a female predator…and society has a huge blind spot when it comes to female predators.

I noticed your DS runs away every time you query him about his behaviour. I’d suggest you start focussing on what the 19yr old has done to your DS and show that you support him.

Disgusting attitude.

If it was a 15 year old girl and a 19 year old man, it's be very different. (Even if the 19 year old is a man in this case, some people think it's okay because they're both men sickening.)

Challenging behavior before he met the 19year old? Always insisted on being very very independent, eg if we had to go to town he would run off while I was sorting out the other children and catch a different bus into town by himself - this was from age 8. He looked 12 then. Now he's 15 and looks 18, he just takes off whenever he feels like it. Normal sanctions have no effect. He can be reasonable to an extent - if I explain the anxiety this causes me, he will text and call to let me know where he is.

@Discovereads you have hit the nail on the head. But how do I show him I support him without condoning the shoplifting and online abuse? I do not want him thinking this behavior is acceptable.

Yes some DC seem to lack the ability to assess risk such that they engage in risky behaviour compared to their age and maturity. This personality trait actually is what makes him vulnerable to grooming/exploitation….you see that? An 8yr old mistakenly thinking/convinced that the world is so safe he can ride busses all alone? A 15yr old trusting a 19yr old….it’s all due to his vulnerability of not being able to accurately assess risks.

@Discovereads yes I'm very aware he has zero ability to risk assess - this is why he's my most challenging child. Any ideas on how I can parent this child? Especially a child that most adults seem happy to treat as an adult. It's terrifying.

So there could be a number of possibilities here. Your DS has always run off this is not new, so if it is a response to grooming then not sure it would be from a 19yr old he has only recently met. Further investigation needed on that point
19yr could be grooming him, could be a predator, could be in a sexual relationship with a child, again further investigation needed.
19yr could be a vulnerable adult that challenging 15 Yr old is taking advantage of to purchase cigarettes and alcohol that he doesn't have the money or correct I.D to get for himself. Again further investigation required.
The 19yr is obviously breaking the law whether there is a sexual relationship or they are just purchasing age restricted products for your child, so you do have grounds for police investigation