13yr old vs 19yr old

[TeenageNightmare22]

DS15 is a nightmare teenager. His older siblings were NEVER this challenging, so I don't think its a parenting issue as such. Tbf, he's massively advanced academically for his age, and looks a lot older than he is. Short story is, he got involved with a 19! Year old a few months ago and since then his behavior has gone from challenging to diabolical. DH and I were not happy with him being involved with a 19 year old, but he just runs away every time we try to put limits on him. The 19 year old bought him cigarettes, alcohol etc. The police bring him home every time, but say their hands are tied. Anyway, after A LOT of talk from us, and advice from others, he broke up with the 19 year old. The 19 year old has since turned nasty and is accusing DS13 of being abusive, and of shoplifting and saying they were blackmailed into purchasing alcohol etc. DS is upset and angry and ran away again the other night when we queried his online behavior - we had a call from a counselor saying he had been abusing the 19year old online and they wanted the harassment to stop. When we asked DS about this he kicked off big time and ran away again.

AIBU for thinking the 19 year old is in the wrong here, not the 13 year old?

He already knows shoplifting is wrong as is online abuse (if he actually has done this). Too, these are allegations from the 19yr old, not proven fact he’s done these things. So I’d say, look until I see proof of these allegations, there is no reason for me to discuss this with you at this time. Because right now, it just sounds like malicious gossip. You know these are wrong things to do, so that’s all we need to say about it.

I’d then say to him that the 19yr olds allegations are distractions from the elephant in the room and that is the 19yr old potentially having groomed and abused him. So, you would like him to tell you the entire story from start to finish of the 19yr old from when they met to when he broke their hold over him. Tell him, you’re there for him and you love him and nothing he can say would ever change that. Hopefully he will open up and tell you what happened.

@sweeneytoddsrazor the 19 year old is at university and holding down a job. I don't see how they'd qualify as vulnerable. All DS15's friends are aged 17 and over. They met through mutual friends and ALL of them told D to stay awa from the 19 year old. He did not listen. I don't think the 19 year old is vulnerable or being taken advantage of here

I wish I had ideas! I really sympathise with you on this. I think though his inability to assess risk makes him more vulnerable than the average 15yr old. So that in itself makes it far less likely that the relationship between himself and the 19yr old was consensual with him being “mature for a 15yr old”. The police need to know that despite his physical appearance, he is actually mentally a vulnerable child.

The 19 year old has committed crimes, buying alcohol for a child is illegal. So is buying cigarettes for a child. There is a possibility of a sexual relationship with a child. So at least two crimes. Possible shoplifting too.

Tell 19 year old and their counsellor to have no contact with your son.

Complain about the police. and escalate it.

I'd ask for some legal advice about getting some form of non molestation / restraining order to stop the 19 year old from contacting your son, you and anyone the family.

A for your son, have you discussed his running away?

I don't mean just, 'don't do it' but gone through various scenarios with him? Some people just don't have the imagination to understand the danger unless it is spelled out.

EG saying never go with a stranger doesn't always compute when that stranger is a child or a woman or is walking a dog.

So you have to go down the route of what if it's snowing and someone offers you a lift?

So explain what the various dangers are to him and you when he runs away.

That running away doesn't stop the problems.

Make a plan together (him, parents, other children) for him to do something instead, does he have a grandparent near by? A trusted friend who's parents you know so he has somewhere to go when he feels he needs to get out, even a time out card which gives him 30 mins in his room without you asking any questions.

Just some way he can be safe.

Sorry I can't think of anything more, good luck with this.