Is my best friend ghosting me?

[Shazzo]

I left my job last year where I worked with my best friend. We met at work and have been best friends for five years and go on holiday and family events etc. Since I have left my best friend has hardly been in contact with me. In the past 8 months I have seen her twice. Due to mental health I haven’t been in contact with a lot of my friends. I told my friend I needed time alone and she didn’t reply now haven’t heard from her in three months. She’s constantly posted pictures of herself going out and I know she is always on her phone. I’m angry and upset. Before we stopped speaking to me I told her something really important and it took her three days to reply to my message which just makes me think she doesn’t care at all. Do I just leave it and move on?

Thank you. That is great advice. I guess I just miss her really.

I think that she's doing exactly what you asked her to do. You told her to go away and leave you alone, and she has.

If you now want to try to re-establish contact then it's you who needs to make the move.

I think that often people forget about the needs of their friends when they're in the midst of their own problems. Fine, you may have felt you needed space, but that doesn't mean your friend did. When you withdraw from people, their lives continue. Friendship doesn't just mean they're there for you as and when you need them, it means that you have to be there for them too, regardless of how you're feeling. You've probably inadvertently hurt her, and she's decided she'd rather spend her time on people who stick around and want her around.
I think it wouldn't hurt to apologise, and if she's not receptive to that, respect her decision, move on, and try to learn from the mistakes you made in this friendship.

I know if anyone I know asked me for space then that is what they would get.

I respect their wishes and trust them to get back in touch when they are ready.

I have a colleague who is one of my favourite people in the world and was my anchor during a tough time. The favour has been repaid. We are there for eachother in a job that some can not truly understand unless you are in the thick of it together.

He is one of the nicest men I’ve had the pleasure of knowing but has a life outside work and doesn’t always switch on his phone.

It doesn’t make me think I’m unimportant in his life. He’ll get to me when he is ready/looks at his phone or when his fabulous wife says ‘have you heard from Sheldon this week/lately?’

Just because your friend took 3 days to respond to a text doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. It might just mean she is giving you space and living her life in the meantime. And flat words on a text may not convey their importance.

Reach out when you are ready.

on top of what others have said

you have confused her - space doesn't mean "less contact" does it? Asking for space and being in touch is confusing.

to that end
when she got the message re your estranged father, she might have thought you wanted a gap before you got a reply.

I agree with others. You asked for space. Were you hoping she would be all over you if you already thought she was backing off.

I don't mean that harshly and sorry if it sounds that way

Thank you for great advice

It does sound as though she is not interested in staying in touch. There isn’t anything you can do but accept it, you can’t force her to be friends.

You asked for space and she’s given it.
work friendships can be intense, you’re seeing someone maybe 5 days a week.
When these end, and people move on, they create other friendships which may be easier and more convenient,
For work based friendships, a phrase I’ve heard is workships,

No, you’re wrong. I limited contact with my friends, so texting once a week before I asked for space.

But you still seem upset and confused that she's doing exactly what you asked her to do. You said that you wanted space,, and she's giving you space.

Yes agree, we would work five times a week together and go out after work most nights too. From past experiences I knew this tends to happen but did not think it would happen to us.

Tbh I'd feel fucked off if a friend kept ditching me. It's attention seeking telling someone to bugger off and then complain when they don't get in touch... Repeatedly.

She hasn't ghosted you've brought this on yourself and need to apologise and stop doing it.

If you read the thread I said I’ve done this previously once before. So I haven’t kept ditching her. I would ask her to do stuff and meet up but she would have plans or was busy. Like I said in the original post I have only seen her twice in eight months, both times I organised it and during them eight months she hasn’t ask me once to met up or do something.

You told her to leave you alone. She is doing what you asked, and leaving you alone.

Thank you great advice

It does sound like she's cooled off, OP.

If my friend messaged me to say her estranged dad had died, I would 100% respond to that.

She said she was sorry then changed the topic about a night out she had went out on.

Sounds like she's not offering the friendship you need, then. Rather than her ghosting you, why not take the reins and decide that you'll pull back, now. She might not get back in touch, but at least then, if she does, you'll know where you stand, because you'll be the one who's decided it.

Yes I think so. After I first left the job, she would take days to reply to texts when I know she’s constantly on her phone and has an Apple Watch. We would text for a while then I wouldn’t hear from her. I was helping her apply for a more senior position, so I made her CV and went through interview tips then after I did that I didn’t hear from her in two weeks. Just found it odd as we would call or text daily

This is true. Friendship is reciprocal. I have two friends who dip in and out of no contact because of 'being gentle to themselves' or perceiving themselves as having a hard time.

The effect on me is that I can't rely on them to be there for me the rare times I need it, so I seek out other, more reliable, equal friendships and am now letting those two drift.

Thank you for great advice. My ex partner said she might just think I’m a drinking buddy as we would go out a lot but once I left I had more responsibilities in terms of work and didn’t want to go out drinking all the time. I should say she is 7 years younger than me and single. Although I’m single too my hobbies have changed.

I completely understand that and it must be hard on the other person too, but I get it. I should say before I left we had a great friendship, it wasn’t one sided and worked both ways. I think I just got a shock and his little contact we’ve had. Before I asked for space I would continually text her asking about life and she would take days to answer or ignore me.

I think you have sent very mixed messages and you need to learn that people will take what you say at face value and not read your mind.

It’s hard to know how else to respond to someone saying they need space other than to withdraw. But you seem to have been expecting her to interpret this as you actually wanting more attention.

From what you have posted it sounds like you actually wanted to be at the centre of some drama and wanted all your friends to rally round you. But you have clearly done this before.

She may just be tired of the drama and not have time or emotional space for it. These sorts of friendships can be very draining and she might have just decided to use your “I want space” as an opportunity to step away from it for good.

I think you need to have an honest appraisal of how you conduct yourself in your friendships. Are you honest with your friends about what you need? Do you make grand gestures like saying you “need space” but not actually mean it?

It sounds quite me, me, me and immature and a lot of people have a very short fuse with this.