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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or my partner bu

41 replies

vauxhaul · 21/06/2022 17:10

I have a 12 yr old son who is very difficult. He can be rude, demanding, cheeky and. respectful. He has always had anxiety and tends to shadow me. His father left us three years ago . His self esteem and confidence has plummeted. His father. Always picked on him, criticised and generally found fault with him.

I know that most of my family don't like
My child but they love him and want the best for him. I've been guilty of over compensating for his fathers treatment of him to the point that he tries to control me And Often succeeds.
I love him of course but see why he is so unlikable.
He has had all sorts of counselling and still receives it.
Family and my partner have said that they hate how he treats me.

Anyway I've noticed that my
Partner has taken it upon himself to teach him things.
It's hard to explain but he constantly
Comments on his activities and tries to show him' better' ways of doing things.

He is good to him but I can only
Imagine that privately he must feel frustration towards him for the way he speakers to me and treats me.
He doesn't
Criticise him directly but almost tries to show him/ teach him
Better ways of doing things.
Sometimes I wish he would just affirm
The positive as it feels like he is always picking apart how and why he could do something better.
It's pissing me off.
He is a kind loving and good partner and has been amazing support to me and god knows, my son hasnt Made it easy.
Partner doesn't live with us and never will be. I don't believe on blending families, for me at least , but do believe in my partner being a positive influence in my
Kids lives but not just feels like it's a constant negative .
Maybe I'm
Being triggered ???
AIBU.

OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 21/06/2022 17:13

Can you give us examples please? It’s hard to say without knowing exactly what you mean

Original poster
vauxhaul · 21/06/2022 17:19

Son cut his hair on a certain way. Partner advised him to ask in a different way as the barber cut it in a strange way rather than saying it was lively or well done for being so independent.
Partner advising him how to do
Certain jobs around the house rather than thanking him For doing said job.
Partner advising him
On correct training clothes to wear.
Partner showing him how to do different things the way partner does it so it will be done right or efficientlyZ
I know his heart is on the right place but each and every exchange they have seem to begin with a negative

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 21/06/2022 17:20

Can you ask your partner to stop?

Original poster
vauxhaul · 21/06/2022 17:21

Yes I can but it's like he can't help himself. Thinks he thinks he's a father to him
Or something

OP posts:
AyeUpMeDuck · 21/06/2022 17:23

From the limited information, that sounds like what I'd call 'parenting'

Kid does something, gets shown how to do it properly or better. It's how kids have learned things since Jesus was a kid.

Is there something in his tone that isn't coming across in text maybe?
Because just what you've written, it sounds like your OH is doing the best he can to show this kid how things should be done.

aSofaNearYou · 21/06/2022 17:24

I think you are probably being somewhat unreasonable given your description of how frustrating it is. All things considered your DP sounds relatively patient.

BattenburgDonkey · 21/06/2022 17:25

Sounds like your allowing both males in your life to ignore you and what you want, I think you need to be a bit firmer with both of them OP. It doesn’t matter wether your partner thinks he’s right or not, that is YOUR son and what you say goes.

11Hawkins · 21/06/2022 17:26

I don't think he's trying to be funny. He's probably picked up on his behaviour and thinks if he helps advise/support him he may improve.

Onceuponaheartache · 21/06/2022 17:28

So being criticised triggers your son and your dp is going out of his way to not do this but handle it in a more empathic manner and you are pissed off?

If you don't believe in blended families then keep your partner away from your son.

Otherwise accept that, form what you have posted here at least, he is trying his hardest to be a positive role model and influence on your child.

RestingPandaFace · 21/06/2022 17:28

vauxhaul · 21/06/2022 17:19

Son cut his hair on a certain way. Partner advised him to ask in a different way as the barber cut it in a strange way rather than saying it was lively or well done for being so independent.
Partner advising him how to do
Certain jobs around the house rather than thanking him For doing said job.
Partner advising him
On correct training clothes to wear.
Partner showing him how to do different things the way partner does it so it will be done right or efficientlyZ
I know his heart is on the right place but each and every exchange they have seem to begin with a negative

Nothing that you’ve said here seems mean or out of line to me. If your son is unlikeable, controlling, rude cheeky and disrespectful (your words) maybe he needs the feedback and guidance.

If everyone including your family think there’s a problem maybe you are being way too soft and indulgent with him and need to try a tougher approach rather than getting your partner to soften his.

Sirzy · 21/06/2022 17:40

There is no point of guiding him when things aren’t right otherwise how will he learn?

your partner has stepped up to help when the rest of the family won’t. If his help isn’t right then maybe it’s not the right relationship for you.

Sirzy · 21/06/2022 17:45

Sirzy · 21/06/2022 17:40

There is no point of guiding him when things aren’t right otherwise how will he learn?

your partner has stepped up to help when the rest of the family won’t. If his help isn’t right then maybe it’s not the right relationship for you.

That should say there is no point not guiding him

Calmdown14 · 21/06/2022 17:54

Can't you just have a conversation with your partner?

"Thanks for showing x how to do y. I'm really grateful you make the effort with him
I'm a bit worried about his self esteem so maybe next time you show him you could just mention the bits he got right first and then show him how to do the rest so he doesn't feel you are putting him down. I know you are only trying to help".

How does your son feel about any of this? It wasn't really clear from your OP.

It sounds like your partner is trying but only you know how you want your life to be

Walkingalot · 21/06/2022 17:59

Sorry but I agree with PP's, your partner is stepping up and offering support and wisdom. It's something that all parents do naturally. Would you rather he was totally disinterested in him, because that's what you risk if you say anything. Totally assuming his delivery of advice isn't done in an overly negative way, putting him down etc. Sounds like you are bit too soft on your DS but he needs strong role models if he's going to grow into a well adjusted adult.
It's good that your DS is getting counselling but do you know what they are covering? Are they making progress? Could you benefit from some yourself? I mean that with respect as we all need a little help sometimes.

TibetanTerrah · 21/06/2022 18:06

Nothing you've said sounds critical. Do you mean you'd prefer if he did that management thing of (is this what they call it?!) A criticism sandwich, when you compliment something first, add something that could be improved, and then finish with a compliment?

You sound like you mollycoddle your son which feeds into his behaviour, and from your posts your partner is coming from a good place?

Original poster
vauxhaul · 21/06/2022 18:07

My son hates being corrected. I know it's good for him however

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 21/06/2022 18:09

It doesn’t sound like his being mean. Just giving advice on better ways to do things.

you need to stop coddling him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/06/2022 18:10

I think you’ve posted about this before.

You need help with your son and it must be difficult for your partner but since you don’t live together, won’t, and don’t believe in blending families then you need to limit contact between the two of them. Your son doesn’t need the interference of your boyfriend’s opinions on his failings and your boyfriend doesn’t need to spend time with a child he finds irritating. Manage your time to reduce how much they are together and don’t lean on your boyfriend for support with your son when you find his involvement too difficult.

SquirrelRed · 21/06/2022 18:13

I know exactly what you mean - my partner (& kids dad) is the same. It has caused loads of arguments between us because I can't stand the kids being moaned at alllll the time when they haven't done anything wrong. I don't have an answer for how to help but I can see how on paper it seems like you are being unreasonable, but I sympathise with the reality if that makes sense

STARCATCHER22 · 21/06/2022 18:14

It sounds like your partner is doing what your son needs.
I appreciate that your son “hates being corrected” but it is unrealistic to expect that he is never going to be corrected and he needs positive and safe examples to get used to it.
If his behaviour is as you described, it sounds like your partner is doing a good job.

STARCATCHER22 · 21/06/2022 18:16

I also can’t imagine describing my own child as “unlikeable” and not wanting to do something to help that. Giving in to him and never correcting him is not going to help.

Trinity69 · 21/06/2022 18:17

Is your son neurodiverse? My son is and can be controlling, aggressive, rude and generally nasty. My partner, who does live with us often steps up to help. I appreciate his input and feel my son needs a male figure in his life who is a positive influence. He guides my son and supports me and I think it's amazing that he does that for a child that isn't his.

Your partner is doing a good thing in my eyes.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 21/06/2022 18:23

I can't see any issue with what your partner is doing. It all sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

But I also can't imagine calling my own child "unlikeable" and then criticising the one person who seems to be trying to help him.

Nanny0gg · 21/06/2022 18:26

vauxhaul · 21/06/2022 18:07

My son hates being corrected. I know it's good for him however

No kid enjoys that!

But it's often necessary.

Is your partner wrong in what he says?

And does your son walk all over you?

SomePosters · 21/06/2022 18:31

Sorry op but I think yabu ❤️

this may seem a bit out of context but I recommend this book a lot, there is no parent who couldn’t benefit from it’s perspective shifting

how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.

it was originally a workshop programme that grew into a book, maybe you and your partner could look at it together and agree some ground rules?