Me or my partner bu

[vauxhaul]

I have a 12 yr old son who is very difficult. He can be rude, demanding, cheeky and. respectful. He has always had anxiety and tends to shadow me. His father left us three years ago . His self esteem and confidence has plummeted. His father. Always picked on him, criticised and generally found fault with him.

I know that most of my family don't like
My child but they love him and want the best for him. I've been guilty of over compensating for his fathers treatment of him to the point that he tries to control me And Often succeeds.
I love him of course but see why he is so unlikable.
He has had all sorts of counselling and still receives it.
Family and my partner have said that they hate how he treats me.

Anyway I've noticed that my
Partner has taken it upon himself to teach him things.
It's hard to explain but he constantly
Comments on his activities and tries to show him' better' ways of doing things.

He is good to him but I can only
Imagine that privately he must feel frustration towards him for the way he speakers to me and treats me.
He doesn't
Criticise him directly but almost tries to show him/ teach him
Better ways of doing things.
Sometimes I wish he would just affirm
The positive as it feels like he is always picking apart how and why he could do something better.
It's pissing me off.
He is a kind loving and good partner and has been amazing support to me and god knows, my son hasnt Made it easy.
Partner doesn't live with us and never will be. I don't believe on blending families, for me at least , but do believe in my partner being a positive influence in my
Kids lives but not just feels like it's a constant negative .
Maybe I'm
Being triggered ???
AIBU.

I completely understand because this is exactly how my son’s father behaves, it’s as though he thinks of parenting as one long opportunity to lecture and opine, cannot seem to walk alongside our son and praise the positives And my son does not have difficulties like yours, he is very well-mannered.
My son’s father did not have a positive role model in his own dad so I’m guessing that he has a lot of anxiety about parenting.
I try so hard not to be critical but it is sad when I see my son crushed.
what I have done is encourage him to take parenting courses, and I’ve done them too so it doesn’t seem like a criticism. I wonder if your partner would do that?

It is very sad that you describe your son as unlikeable, that’s a very damning appraisal of a child. Please try to get some professional help for yourself and your son to address this before it becomes irreversible.

No, your instincts are correct. Your son sounds extremely fragile. I cannot imagine how miserable he must feel when all the adults in his life think of him as unlikeable.

He needs tons of praise for every thing he does well, and a lot of investment in opportunities to succeed.

And you need to take guidance on putting in and maintaining boundaries for your son so he knows what is and is not acceptable.

But you and your partner must be on the same page. It won’t happen overnight but you can do it if you are honest, patient and will accept professional help.

My son walks all over me and I am beaten down by it all

So what are you going to do?

It sounds like you are way too passive with your son. You admit your family literally dislike him due to his behaviour yet you basically think he should never be called out, steered in a better direction, taught to improve etc .

And yet you complain about the one person who has at least stepped up to try and help! Your complaints about your partner seem like the least of your troubles.

I try to assert boundaries but his behaviour is relentless. I have organised all different types of therapies. Plus GP/ HV etc. He is deeply and badly affected by Dad leaving and is very torn between his love for his Dad and hatred for him due to what he did.

Dad isn't hugely involved or bothered. Thinks it's a phase and when son doesn't do what he's asked , I am simply told ..' he just won't do X Y Or z'

I actually think it sounds good - your DP is taking an active interest in your son, and taking the time to guide him and speak to him about things.

You say your son doesn't like being corrected, sorry but that's tough shit, and a lesson that needs to be learned in life.

Does your son kick off when your DP says these things to him? If he does then maybe tell your DP only to mention things he can do something about (i.e. no point mentioning the hair cut) but honestly I would be happy to have a DP who was willing and able to talk to my DS like this.

Maybe your bf is struggling with how ds treats you.
You sound like you really aren't preparing him for Real Life op.

I'm struggling full stop.

It depends on the way he's being 'corrected' though is it?
Say you were chopping something for dinner and your partner came in and took the knife out of your hand and said 'now now what are you doing there, that's not the best way to chop a carrot. I'll show you how to chop a carrot. There, now, see? Cut them this way then that. Much better'

How would react to that?
You'd be feeling patronised and made to feel like a child.

If your partner is only catching and commenting your son on stuff that he's doing 'wrong' or stuff your partner thinks needs to be 'fixed' then that'd be a problem.

Sounds like you could do with help on setting boundaries with your son and implementing consistent consequences that are not mood based.
As parents it's our own feelings too that make the boundaries difficult to implement.
There's a very good book here. It's not too long either. Written for parents in the USA, but the basic messages are universal.

How to Talk so Teens will Listen & Listen so Teens will Talk
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-will-Listen/dp/1853408573

Your son needs correcting, he’s 12 and running roughshod all over you, at 16 he could be a real nightmare. Hating being corrected? Yep most people do but it’s still important. If he’s butchered his own hair for example I don’t think your DP correcting that is a bad thing at all. It sounds like he’s doing the parenting you aren’t willing to do.

Sorry to hear that you're struggling OP. It sounds like your son's control is a response to the trauma he experienced and he's trying to create safety for himself. Have you looked at therapeutic parenting techniques - loads of info online and Facebook. I wonder if some family therapy might help you both?

Thanks for your kindness.
I will buy this book

This .

It sounds like partner is protective and trying to help